Ugh
Well, I meant to write before now, but I caught a gnarly stomach bug this weekend & didn't feel like doin' much o' nothin'...so there.
Basically, I'm feeling better, tho...last week was just filled with all kinds of uninvited stress. First, I found out my new car may now need a whole new transmission, then I got into a huge fight with my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother), who has about a dozen different chips on his shoulder that me & everyone else are just tired of hearing about & catching the brunt of. He's one of those guys that's just angry at the entire world, and has been for years. I'm about the only friend he still has left because of how he treats everyone, and the other day he started in about something, and I just got fed up & decided I could not take it anymore, so I told him that I was tired of it & that if he wanted to still be a part of my life, he was going to have to get some help & work out whatever problems he has that make him act this way. And that did not go well, at all.
We ended up screaming at each other for about 2 hours, and it ended with him telling me to fuck off, and that he blames me for tossing his sister away into the arms of a drunk, redneck lesbian & making her life into what it is. So, that, along with another argument I got into with another friend about (mostly) unrelated stuff, kinda got me down a little, to say the least. And yes, I know he's mostly wrong, and it was mostly not my fault....but only mostly.
Honestly, though, I'm pretty worried about the guy. Like I said, I was about the only friend left that he hadn't pushed away yet, and even though he's grown up into a bitter, unhappy person who makes everyone around him feel the same way, I still feel bad, and I'm still concerned about what will happen to him. I know the guy has some dark thoughts from time to time. But I just don't know what the hell else I can do...I've tried for literally years to help the guy, and he just can't see anything past his own unhappiness...which I don't even really understand in the first place. But then Lanie reminded me of what my grandpa used to say: he said "boy, you can't save everybody, just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!". Wise words from a wise man.
But I'm sure that's not the only thing that had me feeling down....I guess it's just been one of those months. My older sister has been having money problems, too, and I've been trying to help her out, but there hasn't been much help I've been able to give. And speaking of giving, I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do if my car really needs a new transmission, 'cus I can't just plunk down another grand on it right away. I was really hoping this summer might go smoother than the last one...maybe it still will, it's early yet.
Anyway, I know all you guys are right, as usual, about me & me guilt-filled luggage. I swear I really don't blame myself for everything that happens, but there have been a few things that, if you were gonna assign blame to them, the finger would have nowhere else to point, and those are the ones that bug me. I'm trying, though...I really am. I'll keep ya' posted...
Basically, I'm feeling better, tho...last week was just filled with all kinds of uninvited stress. First, I found out my new car may now need a whole new transmission, then I got into a huge fight with my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother), who has about a dozen different chips on his shoulder that me & everyone else are just tired of hearing about & catching the brunt of. He's one of those guys that's just angry at the entire world, and has been for years. I'm about the only friend he still has left because of how he treats everyone, and the other day he started in about something, and I just got fed up & decided I could not take it anymore, so I told him that I was tired of it & that if he wanted to still be a part of my life, he was going to have to get some help & work out whatever problems he has that make him act this way. And that did not go well, at all.
We ended up screaming at each other for about 2 hours, and it ended with him telling me to fuck off, and that he blames me for tossing his sister away into the arms of a drunk, redneck lesbian & making her life into what it is. So, that, along with another argument I got into with another friend about (mostly) unrelated stuff, kinda got me down a little, to say the least. And yes, I know he's mostly wrong, and it was mostly not my fault....but only mostly.
Honestly, though, I'm pretty worried about the guy. Like I said, I was about the only friend left that he hadn't pushed away yet, and even though he's grown up into a bitter, unhappy person who makes everyone around him feel the same way, I still feel bad, and I'm still concerned about what will happen to him. I know the guy has some dark thoughts from time to time. But I just don't know what the hell else I can do...I've tried for literally years to help the guy, and he just can't see anything past his own unhappiness...which I don't even really understand in the first place. But then Lanie reminded me of what my grandpa used to say: he said "boy, you can't save everybody, just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!". Wise words from a wise man.
But I'm sure that's not the only thing that had me feeling down....I guess it's just been one of those months. My older sister has been having money problems, too, and I've been trying to help her out, but there hasn't been much help I've been able to give. And speaking of giving, I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do if my car really needs a new transmission, 'cus I can't just plunk down another grand on it right away. I was really hoping this summer might go smoother than the last one...maybe it still will, it's early yet.
Anyway, I know all you guys are right, as usual, about me & me guilt-filled luggage. I swear I really don't blame myself for everything that happens, but there have been a few things that, if you were gonna assign blame to them, the finger would have nowhere else to point, and those are the ones that bug me. I'm trying, though...I really am. I'll keep ya' posted...
9 Comments:
Wow, low blow from the brother. Maybe he is home reflecting, as you are, about his behavior and will finally seek out some help.
Good luck with your car. Auto troubles suck. They are always so expensive.
it speaks volumes about your character that you do feel some sort of emotion or blame for other people's actions. but don't beat yourself up; while your caring is a good quality, it's not good for you sometimes! i used to blame myself for the whole thing i told you about in the family, and i realize that no matter what, i'm only responsible for myself.
i have no answers or solutions for you. but i try not to encourage repeat offenders by acknowledging their "bad" behavior.
it conditions them to think that people will pay attention to their antics rather than figuring out how to deal without the hysterics and fingerpointing.
hey guy, man, when it rains it pours! I was gonna post on your blog yesterday on your last entry but for somereason I couldnt. I just wanted to suggest that you need to get a massage, a professional one, then just relax...just say fuck it...you have to put in your mind what u want...u want happiness, put it there, concentrate...u want excitement, hype yourself up, if you just blahhh thru it all then it wont bring any excitement because blahhh aint fun, so, like I said, learn how to hype yourself up, just get crunk(that means really hype)....as for what you were talkin about regarding the women and keeping them when they could have found someone else, dont sweat it, they way i see it, the time wasnt right for them to find their happiness, people have to go thru things to see whats good for them, like you, you went thru mistakes with roxy, now u see that u fucked up, in time, she will learn that the lesbian she is with isnt good for her and she will move on...thats just how life is...and u know, I have been realizing that life now and life what you thought it would be way back when... and the feelings of both are never the same, when your young and you think, man, if I ever do this or if this happens, i will fell like this, but things happen in ones life and our feelings are far more complex than when we were younger that change the reaction to things we dreamed of but it dont mean that it isnt great to accomplish your dreams...so if your not jumping for joy at your golden opportunity, then just walk with a smile...;)
That WAS a low blow from the brother. It's not your fault that Roxanne is going downtown with another woman. I don't mean to be crass, but think about it. I've been screwed over royally, and at no time did I consider switching teams. That was something within her long before you met.
And as for the brother-- it sounds like the relationship is toxic. If he doesn't want to do anything to help himself, and is bringing everyone down around him, there's a limit to what you can do. You can't make this dude your pet project. Where are you in this friendship? Sounds like it's extremely one-sided. Like jumping on the see-saw with an elephant. No fun.
When it rains, it pours.
Wowzers I just found this blog and I am glad I did.
Consider me officially hooked and intrigued.
:)
Hey Ex, being able to deal with yourself is a great big step in itself. I must admit, I have to catch up on all your writings. I'm sorry I'd been away for so long! I hope all is well and that you are doing better. Peace!
Also, Sorry about your fallout with Jerry man. That just absolutely blows. I guess we all hit our threshold eventually... I hope things work out eventually, in all aspects of your life.
P.S. I have to agree. I was slightly disappointed in X-men 3 and thought Bryan Singer did a better job (though I LOVED Beast!). I can't wait for Superman though (hoping Bryan's done justice to it!). FYI: something that (MIGHT) cheer you up... Joss Whedon (of "Buffy", "Firefly" and "Angel" fame) had been tapped to work on Wonder Woman!!!How psyched are you? I certainly am!!!!!
It is ok to feel responsible..but guilt has to go sometime.
You are taking a bigger step than most guys would ever do and that is accepting responsibility and going through the hard work of change. (yes change is hard work that is why most don't do it)
I give kudos to you
:)
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