The Ballad of X
You know, once again, with everything that's been going on the past couple of weeks, I just haven't felt like living in the past here so much. I'm pretty sure that's been a big part of my problem all along. But then again, I get in these moods a lot, and I always fall back into it eventually.
In any case, I just haven't felt like writing about it all lately. I have felt like writing sometimes, but nothing that really belongs here. I've been thinking of starting up another blog, maybe; one that actually deals with the present, and doesn't have to exist solely under the shadow of my failed relationships...'cus I'm pretty tired of living there, myself. Not that I still don't want to finally bring all this up to date at some point, but there's something to be said for my day-to-day thoughts being separated from all this stuff I like to dwell on. Especially when I look at the cold hard facts; I haven't been motivated to even go on a date in 2 years now, but somehow I've managed to write about 500,000 words about women I haven't seen in a decade. You do the math.
It's not that I don't think I've been learning things about myself from doing this; I think it's been very good for me, overall. It just makes me think sometimes; the whole concept of it. I've been defining my entire life by this for so long that it's just become a part of who I am. I'm the guy with the one(s) who got away, and just can't get past it. I'm the guy that the lead character meets in a bar one night, who tells him some sad, poignant story about his past that puts everything into perspective for the hero & finally makes him resolve to go back & get the girl and face down the evil railroad baron & save the day. Sure, it's a good part & everyone who sees the movie remembers the guy...but I want to be the hero again for a change.
Then again, who knows; if there's one thing I have learned about myself, it's that there's no telling how I'm gonna feel when I wake up tomorrow. Like, when I woke up this morning, I still didn't feel like writing...but here I am. Right now, though, I feel like I've got get back to the future for a while...somehow. That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, but I do need to quit dwelling, and I'm feeling more & more like that's what this project is all about. Shocking, I know. Whatever I do, I plan to keep blogging, 'cus no matter what's going on, I'm always gonna want somebody to listen to me whine about stuff....it's one of my basic needs.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I'm thinkin' about it...and I'm open to ideas. Stay tuned...
In any case, I just haven't felt like writing about it all lately. I have felt like writing sometimes, but nothing that really belongs here. I've been thinking of starting up another blog, maybe; one that actually deals with the present, and doesn't have to exist solely under the shadow of my failed relationships...'cus I'm pretty tired of living there, myself. Not that I still don't want to finally bring all this up to date at some point, but there's something to be said for my day-to-day thoughts being separated from all this stuff I like to dwell on. Especially when I look at the cold hard facts; I haven't been motivated to even go on a date in 2 years now, but somehow I've managed to write about 500,000 words about women I haven't seen in a decade. You do the math.
It's not that I don't think I've been learning things about myself from doing this; I think it's been very good for me, overall. It just makes me think sometimes; the whole concept of it. I've been defining my entire life by this for so long that it's just become a part of who I am. I'm the guy with the one(s) who got away, and just can't get past it. I'm the guy that the lead character meets in a bar one night, who tells him some sad, poignant story about his past that puts everything into perspective for the hero & finally makes him resolve to go back & get the girl and face down the evil railroad baron & save the day. Sure, it's a good part & everyone who sees the movie remembers the guy...but I want to be the hero again for a change.
Then again, who knows; if there's one thing I have learned about myself, it's that there's no telling how I'm gonna feel when I wake up tomorrow. Like, when I woke up this morning, I still didn't feel like writing...but here I am. Right now, though, I feel like I've got get back to the future for a while...somehow. That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, but I do need to quit dwelling, and I'm feeling more & more like that's what this project is all about. Shocking, I know. Whatever I do, I plan to keep blogging, 'cus no matter what's going on, I'm always gonna want somebody to listen to me whine about stuff....it's one of my basic needs.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I'm thinkin' about it...and I'm open to ideas. Stay tuned...
8 Comments:
I think you should finish the story. Get it out of your head, on "paper" and be done with it once and for all. That doesn't mean you can't move on in the meantime, though.
you know people will read either.
so it's up to you. i think you should be done for now...
as you said, no use dwelling on the past!
I dont think u have to get a new blog, unless you think it absolutely neccessary. I mean yes, many come here to read about your past relationships, but I do come to see how u are doing. If you dont wanna talk about past gals, then dont, we understand and those who dont, fuck em, who cares what they think. This is your blog, you can make it about whatever u want, its your world, we just read about it ;)
Hope u and your mom have a great weekend ;)
I'm with painkey. Keep this blog. Just like in all relationships you move on-- the ex-boyfriend or girlfriend starts dating again, has new experiences and meets new people. It's all part of the same story. You can talk about the past if you want-- and if anything, I think it would be insightful to read about what you've learned and how the person you are now is in comparison to the person from 5, 10, 15 years ago. So I don't think you have to rigidly keep to the rubrick you initially laid out.
We all want the guy to get the girl, and we all love an underdog. You're our protagonist in this story, and we want to see you 'win' in whatever shape that takes.
Regardless of what you're writing...we all still keep coming back :-) If for nothing else then just to check that you're doin ok ;-)
Do whatever feels right for you...
Getting you to think about the present would definitely be a big improvement over thinking about the past. The new blog just might do the trick, at least symbolically at first.
I agree with Jamy on this. Writing about these women in this form can only be cathartic and permits you to move on. Besides, as time goes by, the details become fuzzier, thus preventing you from writing the details in a satisfying manner.
Consider the foggy details about J.C. Time will only make it worse.
I'm thinking there is still karma to be cleared up and that is what is preventing you from dwelling on the past. Until you can resolve that karma, and only you can know what it is, you will continue down that path. Not saying that it's a bad path, as this is the path you should be taking right now, and it is also the time you're finding out who you really are. Now, what happens after that is, once you have figured out the karma you need to clear up (perhaps it's making amends with past loves), you will find what you are looking for out of life and who you really are. I just wrote an article about this as a matter of fact. It's called "Are You in Relationshsip Remission?" Everyone falls into this once in awhile and it's perfectly normal. If you would like to read the article, go to www.soulmatequeen.com and you'll see what I'm talking about. Meanwhile, I'm finding your blog fascinating.
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