Fat Bottomed Girls

I tried to be as casual about it as I could. "So, what are you doing this weekend?", I asked.

"I don't know...nothing much; I need to unpack some..." She had just moved to town again after living about an hour away. "What are you doing?", she asked me.

"Probably not much...I thought about going to see a movie..." I let it hang.

"What are you gonna go see?" She grabbed on.

"I'm not sure...I can't remember what's out..."

"Well, that new Pedro Almodovar film is opening at the (local artsy theatre)...do you like his stuff?" She asked.

"Absolutely!", I said. "You want to go see it?"

Let me take a moment to confess that, I guess I've seen a couple of Pedro Almodovar movies, and I might have enjoyed some parts of them, but basically there are two kinds of movie fans in this world; there are those who like subtitled foreign films & discussing the intellectualism they hallucinate into them, and there are those who would much rather be at the all-nite Friday the 13th marathon at the drafthouse where the audience formulates a drinking game based on the frequency of the shower scenes & decapitations...and this critical factor would, ironically, go on to become the crucible of our relationship...and I guess it's funny that our first date was sort of predicated upon that...and I've never really thought about that before...wow...first big revelation.

But anyway, my point was, I didn't give a shit about Pedro Almodovar...but if it got me in the door, I could deal with it.

So, we agreed that I would pick her up that Friday after work for dinner at the Japanese restaurant (did I mention I freakin' hate Japanese food?) down the street from the movie. And afterwards, if we felt like it, she also suggested a band that she knew of that was playing nearby. Did I also mention I hate bar bands?

In any case, I was pretty excited. Since most of my relationships have tended to just come out of nowhere or just get sort of tossed into my lap, I've really never had too many experiences in the world of dating, proper. I mean like the courtship kind of dating, where you go pick 'em up at the front door, and you make stupid small talk on the way to dinner, and then you have to try and get to know what you can about each other before the cheesecake arrives because you know you'll be sitting in a dark theatre for the next two hours, and you sure won't be able to do anything then but try and read each other's body language & figure out where the hell you should put your hands in relation to hers & the armrest, and then after you've both had a couple of hours two stew about it all, you face that deciding moment where....

....okay, I got a little off-track there....and that's the me of the present talking, because the me of the past was pretty hyped when I pulled up to her house that night.

I had borrowed a shirt from Alan, 'cus I had no idea what her idea of casual was, and I also wasn't 100% sure that this was an actual 'date'-type date. I knew she liked me, but it had all been pretty casual so far. When she opened the door, however, I smelled the perfume, which was pretty much a giveaway (that's a rule we go by, for all you ladies out there: if you're wearing perfume, it's a date). She smiled & invited me in, and I thought she looked pretty damn cute out of her work clothes. I can't remember what exactly she had on, but I know it was cute. Demure, but cute.

We didn't linger in her house long; we hopped into my truck & headed over to my neighborhood, where the theatre & stuff was. I remember I had Peter Gabriel on the stereo; it took me a few minutes before I had left home to decide on some music that wouldn't freak her out. I can't remember a damn thing we talked about on the way over, but I remember purposefully not smoking on the way over, and wondering if she noticed. Did I mention she hated smoking?

All I really remember about the food is that it was lousy, even though it looked kinda neat in those little black compartment-trays. I do remember what we talked about, though, because at some point, I asked her "So why don't you have a boyfriend?". And I sure didn't expect it when she answed with:

"Well...I sort of do."

Time out, I thought.

"You have a boyfriend?" I asked; maybe more accusingly than I realized. She was obviously a little conflicted about whatever it was that she was telling me.

"Well, I do...and I don't. I guess I don't really know if I do.", she said, searching for words.

"You don't know whether you do or not?", I asked.

"Well, I guess I don't. But I might.", she said.

Yes, I was confused, too.

"Ok, J.C., you gotta tell me what the deal is here.", I said...and I wish i knew how I sounded when I said it; I'd be curious.

"Well...there's this guy....(isn't there always)...and we used to date a few years ago in college, and we've sort of been talking lately, and we've been talking about getting back together..."

"But you're not back together with him?" I asked.

"No...I'm not. And I'm not sure I'm going to be...in fact, I'm probably not, but it's just all sort of weird right now..." she said, almost apologetically.

"It sounds like it...". I remember cursing myself for asking for the no-smoking section.

"Look; it's really not that big a deal...we've just been talking, and that's really all it's ever been between us: a lot of talk", she explained. I remember exactly how I felt that moment as I sat there trying to feel her out: I remember thinking that, on paper, it sounded like she was trying to steer me out of date-ville & straight on to the exit that goes directly to just-friends-ville or right out of town. But, everything about her voice & her body language said something different. It was like she telling me this almost grudgingly, and like the more the talked about it, the more she seemed to distance herself from the idea of it. I had the distinct sense that she wanted to see if I gave a flying shit or not; that maybe she didn't even know for sure if I was interested or not. So, I decided to throw her a bone...

"Well, that's a shame.", I said.

"Why's that?", she asked.

"Well, it just is.", I said with little smirk. "You ready to go to the movie?"

"Oh....ok!", she started to fumble for her purse.

"No, it's ok...let me get it.", I said, pulling out my wallet.

"You don't have to do that!", she said, "it's not like we're on a date, or something..." she said, smiling.

I thought for a second about telling her the perfume rule, but I didn't; I just smiled a little. Like I said, on paper it sounds like she was trying to find a loophole, but I got the feeling she was just trying to get me to jump through a couple of hoops to see if I was worthy, which turned out to be right, for better or worse. In any case, I let us split the check, I think...I can't really remember.

Nor do I remember a damn thing about the Almodovar movie, and I can't even recall the name of it now, but it was whichever one he made in 1998 so I guess I could look it up if it meant anything to the story, which it doesn't. I don't remember much about the band we went to see afterwards, either...other than they were just your average bar band. I do remember that she thought she saw one of her old boyfriends there, but lost him in the crowd, and that made me wonder for a minute if I was dealing with a girl who had dated everyone in town, which turned out not to be the case at all, but anyway...

I do remember doing one really stupid thing as we were leaving the club, though; we were walking out & there was this woman wearing a leather miniskirt that was, well, way too small for her frame, and, like a moron, I made some joke about her having a big ass. Yes, yes, I know...never joke about big asses around women in any way; don't even put the two words together. But, I did it, and she shot me a disapproving look & I kicked myself for once again not replacing my stupidity filter.

And I'll be damned...I just now remembered that we went to play Lazer Tag afterwards; there was one of those places downtown near the club, and we just walked in on a whim. And I remember it was fun...we shoulda done that again.

I do remember being a little nervous the rest of the night that I had been an insensitive jerk in her eyes after the ass-joke, but I don't really remember much else of what we did, other than it went pretty well, from where I sat. I mean, we hadn't jumped on each other in the middle of the bar, but we had gotten along really well all night, and there had definitely been sparks. I was wondering what I should do when we got back to her place; whether I should try for the kiss or the invite in, but with the new semi-boyfriend angle she had introduced, I figured I would wait & see what she did instead.

And, for the life of me, I can't remember what in the hell we did when we got back there. I mean, I know we didn't do the nasty...I didn't even kiss her...but I can't remember if I came in, or if I just dropped her off at the door, or what happened. The next clear memory I have is of driving home, listening to KISS at peak volume & feeling pretty good about the whole night. I remember thinking how I should have been totally put off by what she told me, but being amazed by the fact that I wasn't the least bit worried about it. I think I knew, even then, that this was going to turn into something, but I didn't know it would happen quite as fast as it did...