Thursday, June 1, 2006

Sick of Bein' Sick...

I think there's something seriously wrong with me...

Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'; that's what we've been reading about all this time, right? Maybe so. All I know is that a couple of conversations I had last night just got me to thinking about my life, and just how much I've actually progressed in trying to get out from under the shadow of my past, and I wasn't too thrilled with what I saw. I should be better. I should feel better.

Not that I really feel bad, or sad, or depressed or anything....I'm just not sure I feel too much of anything lately...at least not like I should. Oh sure, I was pissed that X-Men sucked, and I'm excited about Superman, but those things don't count. But why is it I can get excited about someone else's movie, and not my own? I'm working on what is, for all intents & purposes, the project I've dreamed about since I was 10 years old...my own actual movie...and I'm treating it like it's just another job. In other words, I'm putting as little effort into it as possible, and even after all this time, I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that it's actually happening. And I sure don't want to feel this apathetic when I'm standing there on the set in a few months....I know I'll look back on it years from now & I'll never forgive myself. Now there's something I'm good at...never forgiving myself.

Ok, fine...I've had some rough things happen in my life in the past year...but I've had plenty of good things, too. And it's not like I sit and dwell on the bad ones...I just don't spend enough time thinking about the good ones. And I'm afraid I'm just used to doing that not; that it's become second nature. And I don't like that.

I started this blog almost a year ago now, ostensibly to try and figure out why all my relationships keep going to hell, and why I keep letting them...and letting it cast a shadow over the rest of my life. I've spent the last 20 years of my life living in the past, pining for the ones that got away, and overlooking those in my present because of it, somehow always trying to lay the blame for it all at Kara's feet, or Veronica's, or even Andi's. But I know I can't blame all my problems on my failed relationships anymore. Truth be told, I feel like I've dealt with a lot of those demons now, through this project. I spent almost a dozen years wondering every day about what might have happened between me & Kara, but since I finished writing her story a couple of months back, she's barely crossed my mind at all. When I say barely crossed, that means I might only think about her once or twice a week, but still, it's been a big step. I know something good has come out of writing all this.

But it hasn't solved everything. I still carry enough guilt with me to weigh down an army. Guilt about all the years I spent with Veronica, just wasting time in both of our lives & keeping us both from finding someone we might truly have been happy with; knowing the whole time that I shouldn't be where I was, but sticking around anyway. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and it was her choice to be there, too....but I should have done the right thing long, long before I did. I feel like I literally stole part of her life away from her, and cost her the chance to have what she really wanted; a family, and the life that goes with it. She hung around as long as I would let her, and I let her because it was comforting to have her around, even knowing that she'd be better off elsewhere, and that if I cared enough, I'd see that she got there. But I didn't. Funny thing about it is, she's with someone else now, and hopefully happy finally. I'm here alone at 3 in the morning talking to you guys....

And that's only part of the guilt. I haven't even mentioned Roxanne yet....

But that's my own fault, too. This whole self-imposed relationship exile I've been on for 2 years now is a prison of my own devising. I know I don't have to be alone here, I just....am. I'm sure there is someone out there who would be here with me right now to take my mind off of it, if I would just let it happen. But, I can't seem to get excited or motivated about that part of my life again, either. Maybe it's just that the right person hasn't come along yet, but who's to say I'd know it if they did? Or if I'd react any differently? I sure as hell didn't when the right person came along before...

Speaking of whom, since all the drama a couple of months ago, my entire comminication with Roxanne since then has consisted of this e-mail exchange from few weeks ago.

ME: Hi...

HER: hi to you

ME: How ya' doin?

HER: crazy busy, but very well. you?

ME: I'm gettin' by. Just wondering how you were.

HER: i wish for you to do much more than just get by

ME: I wish for a lot of things....

Profound, I know.

When I told Lanie about that exchange, after she stopped slapping me, she asked me just how much longer I plan to keep putting myself through this...and I wished I had an answer for her. But I was too busy being slapped. I'm wondering now, though, if the real answer might be 'when I don't feel guilty about it anymore'. When I no longer stay awake at night knowing that I took her away from a promising career & a great life she had built for herself, only to bring her back down here & break her heart the first time I get a little freaked out. And then somehow convince her that I saw the error of my ways, only to do the same damn thing again almost immidiately. And no, I'm sure I didn't exactly make her switch teams, as it were, but I know damn well that it played some sort of factor; I know I said some things to her in the heat of the moment that would surely make me insecure with the opposite sex from then on if I were in her shoes. Things that weren't true. Things that I still feel guily about...

And yes, I know that other people's lives are their own, and I'm not responsible for them...but it's hard knowing that I made someoneI care so much about feel so bad. Again, and again...more guilt. But maybe that's not the answer; I mean, even if the guilt all magically dried up tomorrow, I'd still feel the same way about her...

But is that really what's wrong? Maybe. The time frame fits, since I don't think I've really been happy or excited about anything in about five years now. But I'm still not sure it's that simple. After all, when I look back on it, I wasn't feeling all that happy or excited when we were together in the first place. I know it wasn't anything to do with her, but she took the fall for it. So, what was it then? Sure, I had a lot of issues & stuff that I placed the blame on back then, and I know that was a lot of it...but was it all of it? Was I actually right in doing what I did? Could that be possible? Were we not supposed to be together in the first place, and my feelings back then were trying to tell me just that? Possibly...but my feelings aren't the most trustworthy ones in the world, so I wouldn't count on it.

So....hell, I dunno. I just know that I'm tired. And most of the time I can ignore it 'cus I'm so used to feeling that way, but sometimes I get hit in the face with reality, and I realize just how much of a mess I still am....and I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm back at square one here, in a lot of ways, even though I know I'm not really. I mean, I know I'm not crazy (not totally, anyway), I know I'm not depressed (I was depressed once, and I sure don't feel anywhere near that bad anymore), I know I'm not totally incapable of having a relationship if I were to actually keep my head in the present & try, I know that I have a lot of great opportunities ahead of me...but I take them all for granted, like I've always done. And now, I'm about to do something I've always wanted to do...and I'm sure I'll do it well...but I'd just like to be able to have a little bit of fun again.

I'd like to wake up with a smile on my face, and sing Journey songs loudly in the shower. I'd like to drive down the street & not see something that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I'd like to meet someone & not constantly compare her to someone else. I'd like to stop living in the shadow of every bad relationship I've ever had. And, above all, I'd really like to stop freakin' whining about it...

And yet here I still am. And now it's four in the morning....

20 Comments:

Blogger Jamy recalled...

Guilt is only useful when it warns us of something we are doing wrong NOW, in the present. You are NOT responsible for other people's lives--they make choices too. How vain are you that you think you have this much infulence on everyone you dated?

You are not all-powerful. You are just a guy. And you deserve to be happy, just like the rest of us. Don't you wish that for your exes? I'm sure (almost) all of them feel the same way about you.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 7:08:00 AM  
Blogger jkrunning--Just Keep Running recalled...

Dawson--you need to quit stressing about Joey, Jen and even Pacey and enjoy making your movie. Joey seems to be happy with Audrey and Jen has moved on...allow yourself to be happy.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 7:13:00 AM  
Blogger pookalu recalled...

your penultimate paragraph -- isn't that what we're all hoping for in our lives?

enjoy the fulfillment of your childhood dream instead, and i'll be excited for your movie!

(btw, i thought that X3 was decent, although i didn't like their scientific explanations. but maybe it's cuz i found lots of holes in their logic...and if i happen to see the filming of spiderman here, i'll take some pics and send them to you! but i don't think they'll be on my campus anymore...)

Thursday, June 01, 2006 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Jaded&Opinionated recalled...

Sounds like you've got a huge fear of success. Gotta figure out why succeeding is so scary to you, and work to get around it. Living in fear sucks.

I don't know what to tell you about living in the past that you haven't already heard. I hope that you find whatever it is that makes it all click for you, so you can look forward instead of looking back.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 8:06:00 AM  
Blogger D recalled...

Phew. Wow now THAT is an entry.

You sound like you're not only feeling guilty about what you have done, but you're feeling some sort of responsiblity for everyone else's actions, and then just to top it off, you're feeling guilty about feeling guilty! You must be exhausted.

I can feel the weight of your guilt all the way up here. I don't know what to tell you that could possibly begin to ease this torturous life you've created for yourself. I do think it's encouraging that you're open to the possibility that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be.

I don't know if you're open to reading self-help type books. I am not really into them, but I did read this one after a friend gave it to me, and it completely changed my life. I'm not saying it will work for you, but I thought I might suggest it.

We're here for you.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 8:35:00 AM  
Blogger Moon Watcher recalled...

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS!! Someone told me I should read that book so I bought it. I carried it around with me for a little while trying to get into it. I felt sleepy on a plane and stuffed it in the seat pocket and FORGOT IT! Someone else must have needed it more. I hope they enjoyed it.

From what I have heard about it, it probably would be a good read for you ex. It's not an incredibly large book by any means.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger cynical recalled...

You could spend your whole life "what-if"'ing anything to death and it won't change a thing.

I wish the one that got away from me thought about me as much as you think about your ex's.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 11:10:00 AM  
Blogger Karen recalled...

Re-read what jamy and d typed. Several times.

Ex, you're going to have to force yourself to sing Journey in the shower, and wake up with a smile. Be conscious of yourself. And get out of your head! If you have to, try meditation...just concentrate on your breathing for a couple of minutes, daily, and expand that to 15-30 minutes daily. Yeah, it can be rough doing it, but WORK at it, and keep at it, and you'll get out of your head.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

I'm ashamed to admit that I totally got JK's analogy & that it really hit home....

Thursday, June 01, 2006 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Jamy recalled...

Use that analogy then! Whatever works.

As Vixen suggests, acting like you are happy often helps people get to happy. You need to create new pathways in your brain instead of reverting back to the familiar (guilt and Roxanne).

We know you can do it and it will be SO worth it--because you have tons to offer to yourself, your friends, the world. :)

Thursday, June 01, 2006 2:52:00 PM  
Blogger Alison recalled...

Hey,
Even though I don't comment too often, I do read, and I just wanted to say I can relate to this particular post. Very well, in fact. The details may be different, but the whole thing about achieving something you've wanted for a long time, not being able to enjoy it, beating yourself up for not being able to enjoy it ... yeah. Totally get that.

I don't have any answers, but I can say that Vixen's comment about 'getting out of your head' struck me, because it's the same thing my friends have been saying to me lately. For my particular personality type, doing this is not easy (I tend to overthink everything) but I'm working on it. And I've found that when I force myself to do it, it really helps ... more than all the introspection in the world.

Anyway, I realize that's a huge over-simplification, but I just wanted you to know you're not crazy, others can relate ... and a big congrats on the movie thing, btw.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 3:13:00 PM  
Blogger Heather recalled...

Well, Lieutenant Dan, have you found Jesus yet?

Thursday, June 01, 2006 6:20:00 PM  
Blogger BiblioTECHa recalled...

I don't have much to add (I think JK, d, and Vixen have said it) but these two bits of tough love:

Happy is as happy does.

Ultimately, we choose how we feel.

You can't boil positivist psychology or cognitive behavior modification into two little maxims, but I would say those little things have helped me turn my life around (sounds dramatic but is actually true) more than anything else.

I am thinking about you, X.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 8:31:00 PM  
Blogger Give Your Head A Shake recalled...

I hope you'll read Unhooked Generation by Jillian Strauss. Changed my whole perspective on the messed up way our generation does relationship. I hope it affects you (and give you some freeing perspective) as well.
XO.

Thursday, June 01, 2006 8:50:00 PM  
Blogger kittie recalled...

Well... "get out of your own head" sounds like something my mom has said to me before. And it's true, I suppose. I spend a lot of time stuck in my own head... whether it's the past or the present I'm thinking about.

I also read the Four Agreements... I borrowed the book from my best friend. One of the things the book says... that I resonate with... human beings like to punish themselves over and over for the things they've done (or haven't done). I see that happening in you. There has to be a point where you can look at something in your life and just say, "Hey... it is what it is."

There's no changing what's already happened, what you've already done. You can learn from those things, but you can't change them. And somehow, you have to stop punishing yourself for everything.

Also, I sense a feeling of you not really being where you want to be. Yeah, you may have a great career and friends and whatever else... but something is missing. My guess is that you want a relationship. Hell, you've said as much... and that you want a relationship where you're not constantly comparing one girl to the exes. We bring our past with us to relationships, though. And maybe it's time for you to find someone new, and maybe it's not. Maybe you're ready, and maybe you're not. I think the key, though, is to decide. To decide where it is that you are at and what you really want. Make it a decision... take control of it... and work from there. That's the hardest thing for me... actually making the decision. But if I decide something... and commit to it... then at least I know I've done that much. I might fuck it up. But that's the risk we take. Take a risk. Make a decision. And allow for the possibility that you could fuck it all up all over again... whatever your decision is.

I don't know if that makes sense or not... but I know a lot of people are cheering for you and your happiness... no matter how that happiness comes to be. Your story, your feelings... it's familiar. And most of us don't have the foggiest idea what you should do... because we all found our own way... I still have to find the way every day. What's really important to you?

Thursday, June 01, 2006 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger jkrunning--Just Keep Running recalled...

Glad you enjoyed my little joke. Ex, you are a good person, enjoy your dream.

Friday, June 02, 2006 7:07:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

sometimes i read through these and think of how much you remind me of my cousin calvin. and i want to come over, wrap you in a blanket and MAKE you sing journey songs at the top of your lungs.

sometimes when i was in the worst of my depression, i would make myself pretend to be happy by watching a movie i really loved or listening/singing to a song i really really loved on repeat. and sometimes it would make me snap out of it, and sometimes it wouldn't. i'm lame on advice ... but i try. feel better!

Friday, June 02, 2006 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Tara recalled...

New to your blog..just thought I'd leave a comment about all this.

Life is way too short to spend another second being miserable, and feeling guilty. You aren't responsible for other peoples happiness. You're only responsible for your own. And the only reason you feel so guilty about things, is because you ALLOW yourself to.
Each day you spend feeling awful about everything is another day you'll never get back. Instead of dwelling on the past, use those experiences to become a better person, and to learn from. Thats really all any of us can do in this lifetime. Lord knows Ive had my fair share of crappy times, but I made it through, and things do get better. You will find someone that makes you just as happy as you make them, But first you need to work on being a HAPPY person yourself instead of a downer. You seem like a good guy. Keep your chin up. Walk with confidence, and only worry about doing the things that make YOU happy. Not everyone else.

*steps off her soapbox*

Take Care.

Friday, June 02, 2006 2:29:00 PM  
Blogger Grins recalled...

This post is so sad and so hopeful at the same time. May you find your way fully into the present and allow memories to be just that, memories not the focus of your days or nights (4AM? ouch)

Monday, June 05, 2006 8:32:00 AM  
Blogger Someones Ex recalled...

Nice post! Hot ex-girlfriends are here!

- Someones-ex-gf.com

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 4:24:00 PM  

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