The Ex-Girlfriend Project

For Anyone Who Was Wondering...

2010-07-09T23:21:00.002-05:00

We were married on New year's Eve. Life is beautiful...and so is she.

...all the best.

-X

Ever After?

2009-07-25T12:13:00.003-05:00

She didn't go for it. Long story short.

I decided to try and move on...for real. Met a wonderful, amazing girl that I don't have to trick myself into liking. I think I'm in love. I'm pretty damn sure of it, in fact...

Life is wonderful. We have a beautiful house & a dog. We read comic books & watch horror movies together.

Found Kara on the Facebook. A mutual friend added her to his list. We spoke once online. She asked how I'd been. I told her. She never wrote back. I cared a lot less than I thought I would.

Writing all this down over the years helped me more than I ever could have imagined. Hope it's helped somebody else out there, somewhere.

Gonna go try & live life. Wish me luck. Thanks for everything...sincerely.

No time for losers...

2008-10-12T21:37:00.005-05:00

So what am I gonna do? Well, as always, things are not as simple as they seem...

When I heard the news that Shawna dropped on me, of course I thought right away that this was indeed my big chance...and I guess I just figured that, if this rumor was really true, then all the work might just be done for me...I'd just have to swoop in there at the end & finally get this thing over with once & for all. In any case, I knew that the only thing I could really do was wait a while, anyway.

What I figured would happen was: Roxanne & Shawna would talk before too long, and Shawna would tell her what she'd seen. Roxanne would be skeptical at first, if only because she so hates change & is so terrified of upsetting the balance of her life that she just wouldn't want to hear it, but that after hearing confirmation from Doug & confronting Laura with it, that the truth - if indeed it was true (which it all but certainly was/is), she'd eventually have to deal with it. Now, how she would deal with it is anyones guess, but I think I could influence things there given the opportunity.

I didn't know how soon any of this could happen, though...after all, Roxanne's show ran for the next six weeks straight. That means she'd have about 2 hours total of free time per day, and no matter what was going on, I sure didn't want to see her world turned upside down at such an important time in her life., and nobody else did, either.

Of course, that also meant that Laura was going to have plenty of time over the next month or so to dig her grave even deeper, if that's indeed what she was doing. In fact, it seemed to me that she almost wanted to get caught. After all, why would she have brought Shawna & Doug to her personal hangout where she supposedly conducts her illicit liaisons? I mean, I don't think she's all that bright in the first place, but it just seemed a little funny.

What seemed even stranger was what happened a couple of days after her show opened. 2 nights after I was there for the sneak preview, her whole family, Laura included, had planned to all attend together. Well, apparently at the last minute, Laura decided that she wasn't going to be able to make it because she was going comping instead...and guess who she was going with?

Now, I heard this from Shawna, who heard it from their friend Natasha...and I have no idea if Laura & this girl were the only 2 people going, or if Roxanne knew who was going, or anything. According to her brother, if she was upset about it, she didn't let on at the show (not that she would have, anyway).

But still, I heard nothing.

Next thing I heard was a week or so later...labor day weekend. Jerry had stopped by Roxanne's place to have lunch & came by my house afterward. I still had not told Jerry any of the things that I had learned (I knew that, if something was really going on and, if & when word got to Roxanne, that in no way, shape, or form could I let the news have come from me), so I asked him how the happy lesbians seemed to be doing. He told me that they seemed to be fine, but that Roxanne mentioned that she had a bone to pick with Shawna...because she was allegedly spreading false rumors about Laura having an affair, and Roxanne wanted to set her straight, or something.

I played dumb (something I hated to do with my best friend, but I did anyway), and asked him what was all this about an affair. He told me that Roxanne said it was nothing & he just assumed it was Shawna creating drama again for no reason. But, he found it odd that Shawna would make up some malicious rumor about the SO of her surrogate sister, and odd that Roxanne would even think that Shawna would do that in the first place.

I posited a theory: maybe Roxanne just wanted to talk to Shawna to get the real story, but there in front of Laura, she had to make a show of acting like it was all bogus. Who knows, he said...but if anyone ever cheated on his sister, he was gonna be plenty pissed, and he made that clear. I ached to tell him what had happened in the bar, but I kept my mouth shut still...as I have to this day. I figured it would all come out in the wash.

Finally, the next week, Roxanne called Shawna & asked her if she would meet her for lunch. Shawna said of course, but something was strange...she insisted on meeting at the bar where Laura works. So much for the theory of her wanting to probe Shawna for info.

Shawna agreed to go, of course, but she didn't know what to make of it (and neither did I). She asked me if I thought that maybe Roxanne wanted to ambush her there with Laura around to back her up...or vice/versa. I told her that, yes, it was weird, but that was almost certainly not the case. First of all, that would be manipulative, which Roxanna simply is not. Secondly, I'm sure that, affair or not, the last thing Laura would want is a confrontation where Shawna could spill the beans on her late-night bar disappearance.

I told her that, as far as I can figure it, mostly likely one of two things happened: either Roxanne is so overwhelmed with everything going on in her life right now & so worn out from running herself ragged, that she just wants to make sure that she doesn't have to confront anything right now...she wants to see her friend, but she knows with Laura there, that nothing will come up to rock her boat, and she won't have to deal with it yet.

The second possibility is that, somehow Laura has managed to convince Roxanne that nothing at all shady was going on; that she wasn't having an affair, that Shawna simply misinterpreted what she saw, and that Roxanne has already filed it away & doesn't want to deal with it right now. I hoped it was the former; I worried that it may be the latter...and I still thought that the whole thing was weird, in any case.

And, after they had seen each other, I still don't know, and neither does Shawna...because nothing at all was ever mentioned about it. Roxanne was obviously not upset with Shawna in any way, and they talked like sisters just they way they always do...just not about any of the current events.

So, still not knowing what was going on, I waited. I figured I would give it until her show was over & see what happened. It closed last week. And a couple of days later, so did my window. Maybe...

Roxanne & Jerry went to lunch a day or 2 later, and he - still not knowing what I know - asked Roxanne just what all this affair business was about, anyway.

Well, according to her, it was no big deal. She said that Laura is just a very needy person, and that, with her show going on & everything, Roxanne just didn't have a lot of time to spend with her, so Laura just latched on to this girl for a while...nothing sexual or romantic anything, you understand...she just needs to feel needed & needs her friends close to her. Or some kind of bullshit like that...Jerry didn't really buy it either. So, he pressed her further, and asked her if anything like this has ever happened before.

"Well...", Roxanne said, "there was one thing that happened...about 3 years ago."

Apparently, Laura had what Roxanne described as an "emotional affair" with another girl a few years back. Oh, nothing sexual, you understand...just emotional. It was difficult (and I'm sure that many of our exchanges went on during this time, whenever it was), and they almost didn't make it through it, but eventually she forgave Laura, and they were ok.

Jerry didn't know what to say. He knew that his sister was perhaps the most loving, forgiving person in the world, but he honestly didn't think she would let herself be walked all over like that, and he told her so.

She cut him off quickly, telling him that he couldn't compare this latest incident to the past one, and that everything between them was really going great, and that they were re-doing the living room, and buying a new flat-screen, and yadda yadda yadda....but he didn't really buy it.

And I sure as hell don't...but then again, I can't really trust my instincts when it comes to that, anyway.

So, that's where things stand, as we speak. I don't really know a goddamn thing for sure...other than I'm starting to feel that, no matter what is going on with their life, something, somewhere has got to give.

This thing can't go on much longer. I can't go on like this much longer.

I don't have another 20 years to waste on this. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the waiting & the wondering. I'm tired of the dancing back & forth, and the empty talk that gets us nowhere. I'm tired of trying to move on, and knowing that no other girl I'll meet in my life will ever get a fair shake until this is resolved, one way or another.

I've tried to bury it, I've tried to move past it, I've tried everything but one thing....to man up, take a stand, and actually try and do something about it.

And that's what I have to do...I have to just lay it all on the line for her & see once & for all if this is what's really supposed to happen. I have to present my case, and I have to ask her to choose. I've got to shit or get off the pot.

I don't know if it's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, or the bravest. I'm pretty sure leaving her in the first place was the dumbest thing, so at least I know it's not that. But I still don't know what's going to happen.

I mean, I'm pretty sure she still loves me...and I'm pretty sure that, if it just came right down to what she wants, I'm pretty sure that she'd go for it...but again, things aren't that simple.

Roxanne is a lot of things, and first and foremost, she's loyal. Loyal too a fault. She has a life that she's built with this girl, and she's heavily dependent upon her, financially. Not that she'd have to worry about that with me, but it'd still be a factor. And i know that she loves her. I don't know that she loves her the same way that she loves me (I could always be wrong), but I don't know that she would ever be able to bring herself to hurt Laura like that, even if it's what she really wanted.

And then there's the issue of me, and my track record. By all accounts, she should never have even spoken to me again...much less give me another chance...a third chance. Yes, I know she finally said that maybe we should try it again one day if we found ourselves single...but she's not single. And again, I don't have another 20 years to wait around for that to happen.

So, here I stand, a man with a mission that I've been preparing myself for for years...and I have no idea how to pull it off. Hell, I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing...I just know that I have to do it, for me if nothing else. Because this is it this time. After Annette & everything else, I know that I have to deal with all this somehow...I either have to finally make it part of my life, or I have to find a life apart from it. Somehow.

Now I just need a plan. Any suggestions would be most welcome....'cus as of right now, I don't have a fuckin' clue...

Brilliant Disguise

2008-10-05T16:51:00.008-05:00

NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I need to give a fake name to the boy/girlfriend, however hesitant I am to do so, if only for the fact that it's a bitch to type, and it'll appear frequently from now on. So, henceforth, Roxanne's partner will be known as "Laura".

So anyway, after Shawna told me that, I was speechless...for a moment. Then came the details.

Apparently, Shawna & her husband had gotten VIP tickets to see a concert that had come thru town a few weeks back. They had special box seats, or something, and it turned out that Laura (the boy/girlfriend...remember?) was also going to the show; not with Roxanne, but with her longtime best friend Natasha. Anyway, the two of them apparently got trashed, met up with Shawna & Doug (husband's fake name) and basically crashed their VIP section & made huge asses of themselves.

After the show, Shawna & Doug had had their fill of Laura & Natasha's drunkenness for the night & tried to go their own way, but Laura managed to play on Shawna's inability to disappoint people to drag them across town to her favorite watering hole - a really shitty, redneck dive bar that my little brother used to hang out before he decided it was too redneck even for HIM, which is saying something, trust me.

So they all sit down for drinks at the bar and, after a while, Laura (who was sloshed before they got there) gets all melancholy & starts pouring her heart out to Shawna's husband Doug (a guy who hates getting involved in other people's drama). She begins to tell him that she's worried because Roxanne never seems to want to kiss her anymore. Apparently, they haven't been being...um, 'intimate' lately, and even when Laura comes home from work or from whatever bar she's been hanging out in that night, Roxanne doesn't even like to kiss her goodnight because her breath tastes like beer (if you'll remember, or even if you don't, Roxanne is a recovering alcoholic).

Apparently the correlation there is lost on Laura, though, because she seemed surprised when Shawna said "Well, Laura, if you were a smoker who had quit, would you want your partner to come home every night & try to kiss you with 2 packs of Marlboro's on their breath?" She still didn't get it...hell, she's jus' a good ol' gal who likes to have a couple' drinks & party a lil' bit; ain't nothin' wrong with that, right?

Sometime around then, some girl named Mandy walks in. According to Shawna, this girl runs over to Laura, who squeals with delight, grabs her & they spin around, embracing & giggling like schoolgirls. Laura is a friendly person, so this doesn't raise any eyes at first, but after introducing this girl to Shawn & Doug, something started to seem funny. Laura said something like "Mandy, this is Shawna & Doug; they're good friends of mine AND good friends with Roxanne!". Hmmm...

Anyway, the talk about Roxanne stopped the minute that this Mandy girl entered the bar, and she & Laura were soon lost in their own little conversation, leaving Shawna & Dave completely out of their element, until Natasha came back over & sat next to them. Natasha was three sheets to the wind herself (she's apparently an even worse alcoholic than Laura, which is no mean feat), and made some snide remark under her breath about Mandy being there. Shawna didn't really catch it, but just about then, Laura's phone beeped. It was a text message from Roxanne, asking when she would be home.

Laura texted her back, letting her know where she was. Shawna said that Laura started saying how she had forgotten to let Roxanne know they were going out afterwards, and in her drunken stupor, she was feeling bad about it & started typing out a long message to Roxanne about how much she loved her & how she'd be home soon. Now...upon seeing Laura sending her love to Roxanne via cell phone, apparently this Mandy girl suddenly got all huffy & puffy...out of the blue & for no apparent reason. She made a little scene of some sort, basically acting like a jealous girlfriend, and then abruptly got up, declared that she was 'not sticking around for this shit' & stormed out of the bar, startling the whole table. Laura stood up & started calling after Mandy. Shawna & Doug looked at each other, puzzled, and started to say something. Laura, however, cut them off by saying "Hold on, I have to catch her! I have...um...my cigarettes are in her car!" before running out the door to follow her.

Shawna looked over at Natasha, bewildered.

"What was that about?", she asked her.

Natasha tried to dodge the question with some lame answer like "Who knows, they're drunk.", but Something was definitely fishy here...Ray Charles could see that. It became even clearer when, after another 15 minutes, Laura still hadn't returned. Finally, Shawna turned to Natasha & asked her point blank just what the fuck was going on.

Who knows if it was good or bad that Natasha was as drunk as she was at that moment, but in any case, she hesitated for a moment & then said to Shawna "Well...Laura's cheating on Roxanne. With that girl."

Shawna & Dave were shocked. They asked how long it had been going on. Natasha said that she wasn't sure, but she didn't think it had been very long or had gotten very serious. She said they had been spotted making out behind the bar several times, but Laura hadn't told her any details & that was all she really knew...or could think of, in her current state. She said that she hated to rat on her best friend, but that Roxanne was such a sweet person & she felt so bad about it that she just couldn't hold it in any longer.

So, they talked about it some more & waited a while for Laura to come back. She never did. She totally ditched Shawna & Doug after dragging them across town with her. They left & went home. Shawna said she debating calling me & telling me what had happened right then, but that Doug talked her out of it, knowing they should have all the facts first, which he was right about.

So, the next day, Shawna is pissed. She contemplates calling Roxanne (whom she refers to as her surrogate sister), but after debating it for a while, she decides to call Laura first, to give her a chance to explain herself. So, she calls her up & Laura immediately launches into a vehement apology for the night before & denies everything even before Shawna has a chance to accuse her of anything. She said that Mandy was upset about something else & she just went to try and comfort her & lost track of time. She tells her that it's not true that she's having an affair, it's just some horrible rumor that people have been spreading for...well, for no real reason apparently. She begs & begs Shawna not to tell Roxanne; that it's nothing that she needs to worry about & it would just upset her to hear such ugly, horrible lies.

Shawna, however, ain't gonna budge. Rumor or not, she saw some shady shit go down that Laura has no good explanation for. She loves Roxanne, and tells Laura point blank that she will, at the very least, have to tell Roxanne what she saw. So Laura breaks down & begs Shawna to at least let HER be the one to tell Roxanne about it...that way, she can explain to her that it's just a rumor and that she has nothing to worry about, yadda yadda. Shawna isn't buying it, but she tells her she'll think about it for a day or so (she told me this was because she wanted to have a chance to talk to Natasha about it when she was sober, so she could find out the whole truth). With Laura still pleading with her, she hangs up the phone.

So, next she tries to call Natasha, who doesn't answer her phone. Figuring that she's still passed out from the night before, she leaves her a message asking her to call when she wakes up.

After a while, she still hasn't heard from Natasha, so she calls her back. This time, she picks up the phone, but tells Shawna that she'll have to call her back in a minute...that she just woke up & that she's on the other line - with Laura. Finally, after another half-hour or so, Natasha calls back & Shawna asks her again to explain what's really going on. Then the backpedaling began...

Natasha told Shawna that nothing was really going on between Laura & Mandy; that she had been drinking & taking a lot of pills the night before & had made the whole thing up. She said she was sorry for having said such awful things about her best friend, and that none of them were true; she can't even remember what all she said or anything that happened the whole night. Conveniently.

"So, you just made it all up?", Shawna asked.

"Yeah...I must have", Natasha answered.

"Why would you make up something like that about your best friend?"

"I don't know...I was just fucked up, I guess". Mmm-hmm.

She had her story & she was stickin' to it. So, Shawna finally got off the phone. Five minutes later, the phone rang again. It was Laura. Shawna answered the phone & Laura started in again right away, pleading with her not to tell Roxanne & promising that she was going to tell herself when she got home from work. She was crying hysterically, and Shawna asked her why she was so upset it it was all just a rumor. in fact, if that's the case, why was she worried about it at all?

Laura said that she was so upset because she can't believe that someone would spread such a horrible lie about her...she couldn't imagine who would do such a thing, or why. She was mostly worried, though, about Roxanne hearing about it first and being hurt by it...especially right now with her big show about to start in a week or so. This was her first starring role in a big show in several years, and she was very nervous & totally consumed by it, working herself over 90 hours per week between both jobs. Laura didn't want her to have anything like this on her plate to deal with.

Shawna was getting more irritated by the second & finally told Laura that she was still deciding what she was going to do & that she needed time to think about it. She all but hung up on her again, with Doug looking on in disbelief.

Doug was convinced that they should call Roxanne right then & there, but Shawna was upset, overwhelmed, and wanted to calm down before they did anything. Besides, it was a beautiful day & they both had things they needed to do & their own lives to lead, so they left the house for a while to go run some errands & such.

They came back about 3 hours later...and found almost a dozen messages from Laura on their machine. All of them saying the same thing, begging Shawna not to call Roxanne, and assuring her that she was going to tell her herself. Protesting too much. When the phone rang a minute or two later, Shawna had had enough; she told Laura that she was not going to get dragged any further into whatever Laura had gotten herself into, and that she would let her tell Roxanne whatever she wanted first, but that she was going to make sure that Roxanne also knew what had happened that night...whatever it was.

This finally calmed Laura down & she thanked Shawna & got off the phone. Shawna was still torn as to what to do, though. She agreed with one thing Laura had said; that Roxanne didn't need anything like this to deal with at the moment with everything on her plate, but she needed to know...right? She asked Doug's advice, and being the sensible guy that he is, he laid it out rationally.

In his opinion, something was definitely rotten in Denmark. The way Laura & Mandy had acted at the bar, the storming out, the chasing after, the disappearing....all that was fishy enough. Then there's what Natasha said. Sure, Natasha is an alcoholic, and was (at the very least) drunk at the time, but she is also Laura's best friend. They've been close for years, they have no animosity between them, so why would she just make up a story like that about her best friend? Drunk or not, that just doesn't seem right.

Then, there's the way Laura reacted to Shawna. If someone accused you of an indiscretion that you were innocent of, would you break down in tears & panic about it, or would you - knowing you did nothing wrong - be dismissive of it & rest assured that the truth would come out? If she hadn't done anything wrong, why was she burning up Shawna's phone like about it, denying everything like Nixon. Like I said before, me thinkest she doth protest too much...

But, on the flipside...they hadn't actually seen anything happen between the two of them...at least nothing that would hold up in court. And the accusation did come from a conversation with an inebriated alcoholic under the influence of who knows what. And while it's pretty clear that something was going on, Doug didn't feel that they really had enough to go to Roxanne with....at least not right then, with everything she had going on. Shawna agreed with him...the opening of her show was next week & they would see her then, so they decided to just worry about their own problems for a while...

...and so that was the story up to that night, when we were standing outside on the patio of the theater after the show, talking. Shawna & Roxanne hadn't talked except for a text message confirming that they were coming to the show. So there we were, waiting for Roxanne to come out of her dressing room, and my brain is in maximum overdrive, complete with AC/DC soundtrack. And then the side door of the building opened & she walked out and swayed over to where were all stood.

I'll skip the usual paragraph where I'm in awe at seeing her & make up some lame metaphor, 'cus I hate to be predictable. Anyway, she looked beautiful, she had done an amazing job, and we were all incredibly proud of her. We hugged, we all talked for a minute or two, then she had to go back in to go over notes. Then, something crazy happened.

A short, bleached blond girl of about 24 in a striped green shirt walks past Shawna, notices her & says "Oh, hi!". Shawna waves back, speaks an almost inaudible 'hi', and turns to me, wide-eyed.

"That was her!", she says.

"Who was who?", I ask her.

"Mandy! THAT'S the girl Laura's supposedly doin' it with!"

"What? What the hell is she doing here?", I asked. (remember, Laura was not there that night)

"Well, she's apparently friends with Roxanne, too...she hangs out at their house a lot".

"I bet she does..."

So, I saw what she looks like. Suffice it to say, she's no Roxanne.

With me still in a daze, I said my goodbyes to Shawna & Doug & hopped in the car with Elaine to head home. My mind was racing so fast trying to process all this information that I didn't speak for several minutes until Elaine snapped me out of it.

"Well...here it is.", she said.

"Here's what?", I asked her.

"Here's your big chance. Watcha gonna do about it?. Hmm?

Good question...

Suspicious Minds

2008-10-01T14:50:00.008-05:00

So, longish story short, somewhere around a year ago, Roxanne wrote me one day with some scary news. Apparently her brother Jerry (who is also like a brother to me), was in a bad way. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman so crazy that she made Veronica look stable. She had managed to get them both arrested for pot possession & drunk driving, had blown through what meager funds they had, threatened to kill him & herself, and finally had to be forcibly evicted from their house, clawing & screaming the whole time. Now, he was on the tail-end of a week-long drinking binge & was depressed, out of control, and possibly suicidal. Roxanne & her family were worried sick, as was our good friend Shawna. That night, Roxanne, Shawna & I all talked & tried to figure out what we could do.

Eventually, the girls got him over to Shawna's house where they could keep an eye on him. I explained the situation to Annette & told her that I might be gone for a while, which she was very understanding about (remember, she never knew the full extent of the Roxanne situation; things may have been different if she had). His mom drove in from 3 states away, and we planned an impromptu intervention, which we were not convinced would do any good, but we had to try something. So, we sat him down (myself, Roxanne, Shawna & her husband, and his mom....Roxanne's boy/girlfriend had to work. Priorities, I guess) and just tried to talk to him.

Fortunately, it did do some good. We convinced him that he finally needed to seek some help. Roxanne found a live-in treatment center nearby that would take him on a sliding payment scale, and he agreed to go for the month-long program. We were all thrilled, and very hopeful that he might finally be able to beat the demons he's been struggling with for years.

So, because of the situation, Roxanne & I found ourselves seeing or talking to each other on almost a daily basis for a while; with the intervention, taking care of Jerry's affairs while he was gone, the 'family meetings' which I was always a part of. Sometimes the boy/girlfriend was there, most of the time she wasn't. What was strange was that, all of a sudden, the boy/girlfriend started being extremely friendly with me, treating me like we were old buddies now all of a sudden. I'm still not sure what that was all about, but my best guess is that because Annette was in the picture & I was supposedly getting married, that it was finally 'ok' for me to be around, in her eyes. At least, I'm sure that's the way she wanted it to look...I didn't buy the act for a second & I still don't, nor do I give a shit. But anyway, the point is that this was the first time that, at least according to the rules of their relationship, Roxanne & I were 'allowed' to actually spend time with each other...if only because we were all pulling together to help her brother(and I should make it clear here that, everything with Roxanne & I aside, I love Jerry like a brother & was going to do everything I could to make sure he got the help he needed, especially after our strained relationship over the last few years).

So, needless to say, it was a pretty intense few weeks for everyone involved, as it would have been even without all the personal drama. But...we were getting along famously. Maybe a little too famously for some people's comfort. The first time I noticed it was one day about a week into Jerry's stay at the facility. it was his first visiting day, and the whole family & I were there. The place was set on several acres of beautiful countryside, with a large pond right in the middle. We were all sitting out next to the water, talking & laughing, when Jerry's father put me on the spot by asking me if I had set a date for my wedding yet. I hesitated for a long second, obviously trying to sputter out an answer while all eyes went to me. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was described by Shawna's husband later as 'some serious backpedaling'. I told him that we hadn't set a date yet, and we were trying not to make a big deal of the engagement, and that it probably wouldn't be happening for a while, or something like that. The whole group was silent as I was struggling with my words, all of them shooting glances over at Roxanne, of course (who kept her head down the whole time, betraying nothing), except for the boy/girlfriend...who was staring a hole dead through me.

I don't know what I should have said...maybe I should have made up some bullshit about how we were going to have some grand wedding with the two of us in KISS makeup while parachuting from a plane...but I was totally caught unawares, and the truth just came out. I didn't know what the hell was going to happen or if we were going to get married or not; Annette & I were both already on the fence about it by that time. Plus, some internal mechanism that I honestly couldn't control made sure that I left that door open, and that everybody there knew it. And I'm sure everybody knew it...

Which is why I shouldn't have been surprised when, over the next few weeks, I started to hear from Roxanne less, and when we saw each other on the weekend Jerry was getting out of rehab (he did great, by the way), that things were very stiff & guarded between us....with the boy/girlfriend right underfoot the whole time. It took me a while to piece it together, but that's my theory, anyway: that Roxanne got the proverbial reins tightened around her after that day, and she, feeling guilty, went along with it (because that's how she is; for Roxanne, ever the fact that she & I talk via e-mail is almost cheating in her book, and I know that she felt like she was betraying the other one by opening up to me as much as she had), and began to try and toe the lesbian line again, so to speak.

And, with a few tiny exceptions, that's how it's been ever since, for the past year or so. I mean, we still email each other sometimes, and lately that has mostly transferred over to texting (which I fucking hate; you can't really express yourself that way...or I can't, anyway), but I could tell that she had started to patch that old wall back up again. And I guess I understood, for a while. After all, Annette was still around (even though she knew we were having problems; she gets Shawna to spy on me, not knowing that she also fills me in on it, as well), and there wasn't much that we could do about anything, anyway. Until recently...

She sent me a text a few weeks ago asking me if I knew that my favorite band was coming to town. In the course of our exchange, I told her that Annette & I had split up. I don't know how she reacted in real life, but she told me she was sorry & asked what happened & if I was ok, yadda yadda. We talked for a while that night until it was time for the other one to come home, but only about me, never about us.

In fact, we've talked several times now since then, but not about anything important, as it were, so I really have no idea what she thinks of the fact that I'm single again. But the thing is, she hasn't had a lot of time lately to think about much of anything: for the last six weeks, she's been starring in a play that runs 5 days a week, with 2 performances on the weekends. On top of this, she's working 40-45 hours per week at her regular job, and averaging about 5 hours of sleep per night. She's been doing this with no breaks & no time off, and she still has another week to go...so everyone has been a little worried about her. Especially in light of...well, things that have recently come to light. Let me explain...

So she invites me to come see her play on opening night (which, I knew, meant that the boy/girlfriend would not be coming that night), which I do, of course. I drag Elaine along with me & I make plans to meet Shawna & her husband there, as I haven't seen them in a good while. We go, we see the show, she's brilliant, yadda yadda. We're outside talking afterwards, waiting for Roxanne to get out of the dressing room when, out of the blue, Shawna's husband gestures to me & says to his wife "Tell him."

Tell me what? Shawna squirms around a little bit & tries to protest, but it's far too late for that now...I know something's up. So I tell her to fucking well tell me. She takes a big breath, looks at me & says "You can't say anything!"

"Anything about what?", I ask.

"We don't know this for sure yet, and it cannot get out that we said anything, because we didn't actually see anything, and if..."

"Will you just tell me, before she gets out here!" I almost yelled.

Another big sigh. Shawna looked over at her husband, then back to me.

"Well...we think [the boy/girlfriend] is cheating on Roxanne.", she says. I start to speak. She interrupts me.

"You CANNOT say anything! We're not for sure yet...but it's from a very close source, and we definitely saw some shady shit going down! But you CANNOT say anything yet!"

It took me a minute. Anger, hope, elation, more anger...they all drew straws in my head. Hope won. I asked her what it was that she knew, exactly....which is a long story.

Tomorrow.

Damned if I do...

2008-09-29T00:11:00.006-05:00

So a couple more days went by; I still hadn't written her back. I was still too overwhelmed to get my thoughts in any kind of order. A few days later, I got this:

>you never responded to my last msg.

So I did...and the floodgates opened again. I wrote:

> I know...I didn't. I guess I feel like I've heard
> you say all those things before...all the reasons
> why things are so difficult now. Trust me, I know
> them. I also know that the course we took was
> probably...maybe..the best one to take at the time,
> but I'm still not sure. I still know I'd do it all
> differently if I had it over again, but you know
> that, too.
> I've been thinking about you a lot lately; this past
> weekend I couldn't think of much else, and I had to
> stop myself & shake myself back into reality a
> couple of times. I'm not saying that to scare you &
> I hope it doesn't, but I guess it just says a
> lot...how easily you can still occupy my thoughts.
> The last time I saw you...do you remember it? (this entry), I
> really, really tried to take it all as some kind of
> sign...that I was going to be ok & that life goes
> on. After all, what are the odds of me being in a
> coffee shop at 9 in the morning, on the very day I
> was to leave for the movie, no less. And there you
> were...I remember hearing your voice while I was at
> the counter, and knowing it was you before I ever
> turned around...and I remember exactly what you
> looked like, and how I stood there with coffee
> running down my hand from where I'd sloshed a little
> out the side but I didn't want to wipe it up & I
> hoped you wouldn't notice. I remember you seemed
> like you were disappointed in me for what was going
> on between me & your brother, and how much it still
> stung me to know that I was somehow making you
> unhappy with yet another of my actions. And I
> remember leaving that day & telling myself that it
> was some sort of final test that the universe was
> putting me through, to see if I was man
> enough to go do what I needed to do to follow my
> dreams....until I remembered later that I don't
> believe in that kind of stuff. or maybe I do...I
> dunno sometimes. I know I believe in you....
> I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say now, I
> guess I'm just trying to put everything in
> perspective. I don't have any idea what your
> day-to-day life is like or how you're getting along
> in your relationship, but I'm hard-pressed to argue
> with anything that's made it easier for us to talk
> to each other (or whatever it is we do).
> [Annette] doesn't think anything about you, that I know
> of. She knows who you are, of course, but she
> doesn't know all the long history & I'm not really
> convinced that she should. I know she trusts me &
> that she knows I would never do anything to betray
> that, and I wouldn't, but she knows I had a life
> before, and that you were part of that. I don't
> think she'd react like [the boy/girlfriend] about us talking, but
> then again, [the boy/girlfriend] might have more reason to react
> that way. I have to say, though...the statute of
> limitations on her attitude has to be running out
> quickly; you can be jealous for a year or
> two...fine, but at what point is she going to be
> secure enough with your relationship to not feel
> that way? And if she's not, is that really what's
> making her feel that way? And why is it?
> In any case, I'm just really glad that I've been
> able to communicate with you again. I have no idea
> what the future holds, but I'd like the present to
> hold the promise of us at least letting some of our
> guard down & accepting the fact that we are still
> important to each other....to say the least. I don't
> care how it sounds, but there's always a hole in my
> life when you're not in it. I've tried to get used
> to it before, but it's always there...unless you're
> here. I could write & write to you all night, but I
> think I'll stop now....I'm getting better at
> quitting while I'm ahead.
>
> Love always...always.
> -[x]

The next day:

> i remember
> that day well. i remember that you looked
> good. i knew what you were about to do, thanks to
> my spies
> and jerry. i was proud. i remember thinking,
> finally he's really gonna direct! i remember feeling
> awkward. it was early and you were out! i know i
> came
> down a little hard on you that morning about jerry,
> but he IS my brother. mostly i felt proud of you,
> but
> i couldnt really show you that. over the years since
> we broke up when i see you i instantly feel
> protective of myself. stupid, i know, as you have
> beat
> yourself up for hurting me more than i ever could.
> i am glad [Annette] isnt the jealous type.[the boy/girlfriend] is
> insecure, it's true. i seem to draw the insecure to
> me. i also attract those that detest change.
> interesting, since resiliance and adaptability are
> strengths of mine. [the boy/girlfriend] HAS become more secure over
> the years. she has abandonment issues from her
> childhood. i know you're thinking 'blah, blah,
> blah',
> but i'm just telling it like it is. her jealousy has
> certainly wained over the years. she trusts me, and
> i
> felt it appropriate to limit contact with you, as
> she
> knew how deep my feelings for you have always been.
> there is nothing going on right now to change that.
> things in my daily life are truly terrific and
> happy.
> for some reason this time
> i just felt the flood gates open and went
> with
> my need to communicate with you, right or wrong.
> i wonder about your life. i wonder how things in it
> are going. i must admit it makes me smile
> to
> think you are marrying a musical theatre performer!
> it
> also makes me jealous, and i am certain she is
> better
> than me, more talented, more beautiful, whatever.
> (PS:
> jerry thinks she looks like kara, buti think she looks
> like kelly clarkson, and i know
> you
> love kelly clarkson) [EDITORS NOTE: neither Annette or Kara resemble Kelly Clarkson in any way, shape or form other than they're all hot...dunno where she gets this]
> i am jealous because she gets
> to
> know your friends and go on vacations and BE a
> couple
> with you, which i never got to do with you. i am
> scared to death i will run into [Annette] at an audition,
> or get cast in a show with her. i feel better
> knowing
> she doesnt think of me as 'the one who got away' and
> isnt the jealous type, but every time [someone]
> mentions
> you two i wanna slap her.
> i am very lucky to have [the boy/girlfriend] in my life. she takes
> great care of me. and i get to perform alot, even if
> it is for peanuts. i feel like i have so much ahead
> of
> me.
> i'm sorry, it's early in the morning and i am
> rambling
> on and on. i am not sure my brain is fully awake, but i
> like that we're 'talking'.

I liked that we were talking, too...even though I was technically doing it behind Annette's back...that hadn't escaped me. but what was I doing, exactly? I wasn't cheating on her; I wasn't scheming to get back together with Roxanne behind her back. I know that it would have killed me if I had found Annette saying the same kind of things to somebody else, but...fuck...what was I supposed to do? What would you do?

I just tried to do the right thing, be true to myself, and to not ruin anyone else's life, which is a habit I've been trying really hard to break for a long time. There was a part of me that wanted more than anything to leap through the crack in the door that Roxanne had opened & try to win her back once & for all, all others be damned...but, even though things with Annette weren't exactly storybook-worthy by then, there was another part of me that still felt like this might be some sort of test from the universe (you know, those kinds of things that I don't believe in & yet still allow to fuck up my shit) that I was supposed to rise above & do the honorable thing. So, that's what I did.

Only thing is, now, I realize that the truly honorable thing would have been to simply follow my heart; tell Annette the truth, end it before she could get hurt, and grab hold of the opportunity Roxanne had presented me with, never to let it go again...but I didn't.

And so, that's how it went for a while. Annette & I went on growing aprt slowly but surely, and Roxanne & I kept talking; less intimately, but just as frequently. For a while. About a month or so later, problems started to develop. Not with us, but with her brother, Jerry.

Jerry, one of my best friends in the world, is a beautiful but troubled soul. I'm sure I've mentioned much about it before. He has struggled with drug, alcohol, anger, and emotional issues all his life, and for the past few years, they had been coming to a head. Last fall, after a horribly failed relationship & a series of other setbacks, Jerry hit rock-bottom. Roxanne & I, being two of the closest people in his life, were, or course, drawn deeply into the situation together. And that's when things sorta got weird again...

True Confessions

2008-09-24T23:25:00.009-05:00

So, yeah. After the whirlwind of the previous year, and after all my steps taken towards semi-closure (wanted or unwanted), and almost a year into my new relationship with the woman I will supposedly marry...after all that (not to mention the better part of 2 decades), she finally says it. Then I get this:

>i'm sorry. i probably shouldnt have sent that last
>email. i probably should have kept it to myself.
>sorry.

I didn't know what the hell to say or do. I knew what I should do (nothing), I knew what I could do (probably nothing), and I knew what I wanted to do in my gut (something). I took a while to answer. I said:

> Dont have any alone time to write back today, but i
> will later. Thank you.....

>i completely understand, and appreciate you telling
>me, or i would be worried sick that i had said too
>much if i didnt hear back from you.

Couple o' days went by; I didn't have time to write her with Anette around, and I still wasn't sure what I should say. I figured that, just like everything else I do, I had to just sit down & see what came out. So I wrote:

> > Don't you dare be sorry...
> >
> > Timing. That's all I kept telling myself all
> these
> > years, too. I've never had good timing, I'd be a
> bad
> > comedian. You have to know I still wonder about us
> > all the time...and how things might have been if I
> > was able to be the man then that I am now, and did
> > what I knew I was supposed to. The last few years
> > would have been so, so different, one way or
> > another.
> > Now, here we are, and part of me just wants to
> grab
> > you & shake you & ask why you couldn't have just
> > said those words to me a few months ago, or a few
> > years ago...or anytime, when you know how badly
> I've
> > always wanted to hear them. And another part of me
> > wants to just hug you, and try to laugh at it the
> > irony of it all...
> >
> > It would be so nice to have the last couple of
> > decades & all we've been through finally all make
> > sense somehow, wouldn't it?
> >
> > I have no idea where my life is going to take
> > me....I think I'm trying to make better choices
> now
> > & some of them seem to be working, but who knows.
> I
> > know that if I ever thought that...how the hell do
> I
> > say this.....well, maybe i just wont say that
> > part...but I do know what i've always known; that
> if
> > we ever had the chance, through whatever
> > circumstance, to start over, that I would do just
> > what i told you before...I would never let you go
> > again. Timing can suck it.
> >
> > I don't know if I should feel bad saying that, but
> > it's nothing I haven't said before, and nothing
> has
> > changed about it. I guess the fact just remains
> > that, while there are certainly some other
> wonderful
> > people in the world, and while we both might be
> able
> > to find some kind of happiness elsewhere, without
> > you, I'll always feel like I'm just settling for
> > something...just like I always have. Now I should
> > probably be the one who's sorry....

And I was. I felt bad...really bad, for the first time in my relationship with Annette. I had my suspicions already on whether she & I were going to make it or not, but it was at that moment when I knew exactly what was going to happen; I knew that I wasn't in love with her. And it wasn't just because of Roxanne...at least I don't thinkit was. It was more the fact that, if I really was in love with her in the first place, I wouldn't even have been having that conversation with Roxanne. Which I was. I wasn't gonna do anything about it; I wasn't gonna do the right thing, and follow my heart, and take the opportunity that I had been waiting years for & thought that I would surely never have again. No, I was gonna do the honorable thing...the thing I had committed myself to...the thing that is every man's duty at one time or another: stay in a relationship that you aren't happy in out of some sort of misplaced sense of duty or responsibility.

Besides, it wasn't really an invitation to the dance, exactly. Sure, she finally voiced her feelings about me again after all these years, but she's done that in roundablout ways before, and it really wasn't a huge shock...other than being huge & shocking. But she did say IF we were to find ourselves single again, THEN yadda yadda yadda...and neither one of us were anywhere close to single at that moment.

So, I said what I said & I waited for her response, which was this:

> neither of
> us should be sorry.
> dont shake me and ask me why... you know why:
> timing.
> it didnt work because we werent ready. selfishly, i
> am
> glad to know you still feel this way. part of me
> assumed you didnt anymore. [EDITORS NOTE: WHAT THE FUCK??]
> obviously the choices you
> have been making ARE working for you, on many
> levels.
> you have a beautiful fiance and a career that is
> going
> really well. me too, i have great things in my life
> too. everything happens the way it is supposed to, i
> really believe that. i couldnt say those words to
> you
> at another time because i wasnt supposed to. i was
> very angry with you for a long time. but as i have
> watched you grow, at a distance, i have been so
> proud
> and i cant be angry through my pride. you did the
> best
> you could at the time.
> i only hope you are truly happy. i am genuinely
> pleased that you stopped waiting for me and allowed
> love into your life. i hope she is good to you, and
> lets you be you. i hope journey songs are
> featured
> prominently at your wedding and she gives you a
> whole
> wing of the house you will share together to hang up
> your movie posters.
> we tried... several times. and we are better
> people
> for it. who knows what will befall us in the next 50
> years. i have limited my contact with you the last
> few
> years because of my own anger and because [censored] gets
> jealous of you. rightly so, she was my friend when
> we
> were together. she heard how head over heals i was,
> and ulimately, how heartbroken i became. i
> understand
> her jealousy. i can only imagine what [Annette] must feel
> about me. but, that being said, you have never left
> my
> heart or my thoughts. and undoubtedly you never
> will.

So the night I got that reply from her, I was reading it on my laptop, lying in bed, while Annette was in the shower. I heard her coming toward the room & knew that I couldn't let her see me crying...there'd be no good way to explain that. So I closed the lid of the computer quickly & quietly, wiped my eyes with my sleeve, flipped over on my stomach & pretended to be asleep. A few hours later, I actually got there.

Behind the Lines

2008-09-21T22:25:00.010-05:00

So...it's been a month now.

The house is still a wreck 'cus I haven't had a lot of time to get it back in order. The first time I went to hang one of my pictures back up in the living room, I found that she had taken my hammer by accident. I did it with a shoe. But, it's my place again...same as it ever was.

I have no idea how to try and condense the last 2 years into a few hundred words...that probably won't happen for a while. I've already talked about why it didn't work out, and that's about the long and short of things. I'm sure there were several amusing anecdotes I could relate, but frankly, I'd feel like I was making light of things if I did that right now, so I wont. It's done & that's that.

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. I've had my moments, but overall things have been pretty good. It's weird though; this is the first mutually agreed-upon, organic breakup I've had in....well, since Maria, I suppose...and my psyche is obviously not used to it. After years upon years of hardcore breakup drama after drama, I've been having some trouble handling the lack of it in this case. It's like I have a little John Lovitz on one shoulder wearing a red suit & poking me with a pitchfork, going "What are you waiting for...freak out! Do something stupid!", and It's strange to me. Still...it's sad, but I'm ok, and I think she is, too. She's definitely going to be a lot happier than she was here with me, and she deserves that. I just don't like change.

Speaking of which...

(deep breath)

About 6 months after Annette & I moved in together, Roxanne & I started talking again. I honestly can't remember who made contact first, but I'm pretty sure it was her. In fact, I know it was...she sent me an e-mail congradulating me on my, um, engagement. At that point, her brother Jerry & I had not been speaking for several months, and I took the opportunity to ask her how he was doing. We started talking about him & struck up a fairly regular correspondence for a while. We skirted around talking about any actual issues, but it was pretty obvious that we were glad to be talking to each other again.

Yeah, I know...the irony. After all these years, she decides to open up the lines of communication just as I find myself in a serious relationship. I didn't know what to make of it, but I did know one thing; I was going to keep myself well in check. I had made a commitment, and I was determined to honor it for better or worse (although I was already pretty aware that it was the latter by that time), and I wasn't going to let my past derial my future yet again.

At first, I thought that maybe Roxanne now felt 'safe' with me, now that I was engaged; that she just missed our friendship & saw this as a chance to get that back without having to worry about, well, stuff. I didn't really buy that, especially once I realized that she was still keeping our communication a secret from her partner. Not that I'm one to talk...so was I.

In any case, I was glad to be talking to her again, of course. I hadn't had much luck having satisfying conversations with Annette yet, and if there was ever anything that Roxanne & I did well, it was talk. The setup was pretty perfect: Annette worked during the day, I worked at home, and Roxanne was working as a receptionist with nothing much to do all day 'cept talk to me. Still, it remained pretty innocent...if a little awkward sometimes because of it.

Right around that time, we were getting ready to have a local premiere for my film. I sent out a mass invite to all my peoples and included her on the list. I didn't think for a second she would come, but I felt I should at least ask. Included in the email was my phone number, which, until that point, she didn't have.

Anyway, she didn't show up for the premiere. Not that I looked or anything...

About a month later, I was on the phone with Elaine, pulling into a parking space at my local Target, when I got a call on the other line. I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it. After I got off the phone, I saw that whomever it was had not left a message. I normally wouldn't have thought twice about it, but for some reason that day I was curious. I called the number. I got Roxanne's voicemail.

I didn't leave a message; I was too surprised. Instead, I took a minute to think, and I did something that I had only done once or twice before in my life up to that point: I sent her a text message. I said something like "I can't believe you call me for the first time in five years & I missed it. Call back anytime." She didn't. I wondered about it for a day or two, but things were busy, so I moved on.

I didn't hear from her for about a week. Then, an email:

>sorry.
> i shouldnt have called you. you gave me your number
> and curiousity got the better of me.

My response:

>It's ok....but curiosity about what?

>i dunno, lots of things. just wanted to talk to you right
>then. why am I doing
>this?

I'm hesitant. Is she trying to open some door here? I'm not in a position in my life where I could walk through it, even if I wanted to. Careful...

> Because we've been a part of each other's lives for
> over half of it, and 'cus sometimes we miss just
> talking to each other? I'm not sure I
>buy that, but
>it seems like a good, simple reason, right?

>ok, simple enuff.

(2 minutes later)

>but i dont buy it either. ive been thinking about
>you a lot lately. i wonder about you & annette,
> and i sincerely want you to be happy. i want us
>both to be happy, but that doesnt mean i dont
>wonder about us sometimes. am i making any sense?

>I want us both to be happy, also. It took me a long,
>long time, but I finally came to accept the fact that
>you had found someone that made you happy. It's
>too early to know for sure yet, but I may have found
>that as well. Maybe. That doesn't mean I don't
>wonder about
>you. I have for almost 20 years and
>I'm not real good with change,
> as you know. I guess
>it's just weird for me to hear you say...well, whatever
>it is that you're saying. What are you saying?

>you're
> right. i know you're right. we have both found
> people that we are compatible with, that are good to
> us, that really love us. it's true though that we
> will
> always love eachother. i'll admit i think
> about what our life together would have been like if
> we could have made it work. but there is a reason we
> didnt and sometimes i think it always boils down to
> timing for us. your timing, my timing. (sigh) what
> do
> i mean by bringing this up? i have no idea. there is
> a
> reason we didnt work, but i must admit i will always
> wonder what that reason is. (beware of scary
> sentence
> to follow) and IF, for whatever reason, we just FIND
> ourselves organically single again, which of course
> i
> do not expect to happen what with you officially
> getting married and all, but IF that happens, maybe
> we
> should then try again... and see if the timing is
> still off.
> why did i say that? i am not trying to stir
> something
> up, it is just honestly how i am feeling. and what
> was
> rolling around in my head about you last night. i am
> not trying to cause trouble.

Yeah...she said that. Bedtime...more later.

Back Where We Started

2008-08-18T21:32:00.003-05:00

She's gone.

It took us a while to actually go through with it, but it happened. It wasn't ugly or unpleasant, but it was very sad. We do love each other, and I wish her nothing but happiness...but it just wasn't right.

I can't say it was wasted, though...I learned a lot, and I might actually remember some of it this time, who knows. One thing I learned, or at least remembered, is that I'm damn tired of wasting time...damn tired. So, gonna try & do something about that.

Anyway, I'm back, and I guess I'll have to think up another color. Maybe I'll go with this. More later....

Blind Faith

2008-03-29T00:49:00.002-05:00

So we've been talking about it...and, even though neither of us has actually come out & said or suggested anything concrete, my hunch right now is that she'll probably be leaving sometime in May. She has a contract at work that runs through April, and I know she's already thinking about that as a kind of cut-off date. I mean, anything could happen at this point, but that's my prediction...not that I believe in predictions.

And yes, I know that her beliefs should not be any less valid than mine...but it's not her ideaology itself as much as the way she lets it affect her life in ways that she doesn't realize are harmful. Last night, for instance, she called me after she got off work at 7:45 and said that it was a nice night & did I want to go for a quick drive through the park? She had a bad day at work & the park makes her feel better. I was in the middle of something & didn't want to break away, so she said that she was going to drive through there on the way home...even though it's about 15 miles out of the way and it was about 15 minutes before sundown (she likes to go to the park & 'connect with nature', as she calls it). I didn't think much of it, so I told her I'd see her when she got home in a little while.

So, I lose track of time & all of a sudden, it's 9:05. I haven't heard from her, so I give her a call to make sure she's ok. She doesn't answer. Finally, at about 9:30 she calls me back & says she lost track of time & was just sitting in her car meditating...which she does out there; this park is very remote & secluded. So she comes home a few minutes later & I...very politely...try to impress on her that it might not be the safest thing for a young woman to be alone in the park after dark....as I said, it is very remote & secluded, not to mention dark. She absolutely refused to recognize this point, telling me that I should have faith in her sixth sense to make sure she's always aware & safe. She says that she has a very deep spiritual connection to that park and that she knows nothing bad could ever happen to her there...after all, nothing bad has ever happened to her in her life, so she can go out alone in the dark all she wants and I just need to have faith & not worry so much...because, in short, she has a guardian fairy godmother angel. Oh, and apparently I was being very closed-minded & refused to believe in her.

So, Jaded, in response to your comment, it's not just that she plays with crystals & listens to Yanni...it's that she makes fundamental decisions about her day-to-day life & welfare based on a bunch of baloney. I felt like I was taking crazy pills....

And it's a damn shame, but I guess I knew it from day one....and then just tried to convince myself otherwise. I'm sure she feels the same to some extent. She needs somebody to believe in her fairy godmother...and I just can't do it. We'll see what happens.

More Fool Me

2008-03-25T14:32:00.006-05:00

So anyway...

I'm not saying that I'm the kind of person who demands that my partner automatically believe exactly the same as I do...I can be open-minded. Hell, I've dated enough Catholic girls to learn to at least pick my battles. And, at first, that's the way I tried to look at it...that none of this new age stuff is any crazier than what the christians believe (I can't believe Blogger tries to tell me 'christian' is misspelled by not capitalizing it; fuck Blogger). And that, being a late bloomer, she'll probably grow out of it to an extent.

So, I figured I'd give it a shot. She moved 500 miles to come live with me & we piled all her stuff into my tiny apartment and settled in...and it was good. Then, little by little, this stuff began to creep into our daily lives. She'd have a bad dream & wake up and spend an hour looking up interpretations & meanings of it on the web, convinced that it was telling her something. I'd notice her checking her horoscope in the mornings (not a huge deal) and then started to see her doing online tarot readings...again, not a huge deal I guess, if she didn't also make day-to-day choices based upon whatever it said, that is.

Then came the talk about the past lives. At first, I tried again to just tell myself that millions of hindus & others believe in reincarnation, so it's not that unusual. But then came the kicker; one day a few months ago, she asked me if I believed in aliens. I told her that I don't beleieve in Roswell & little green men, but that life out there of some kind is certainly possible. She then proceeded to tell me how she doesn't believe in little green man either...she thinks that all the aliens are beautiful angels who are in secret communication with some enlightned people, who....do you really even need me to continue?

So, at this point, I was officially concerned. I took the problem to Elaine, whom she had become friends with by that time, and told her what was going on. I let her read a couple of the crazy-ass websites that Annette had showed me, and she agreed that somebody should, well, say something. So, we did. We sat her down & asked her just what it was that makes her think any of this is true. She responded by saying, reluctantly, that she knows a lot of it is probably not true...but that reading it & believing it makes her feel good. That she doesn't like all the ugliness & pain in the world, at that this is someplace that she can kind of retreat to....a warm, fuzzy fantasy world where benevolent aliens & fairies sprinkle pixie dust on the evils of the world.

So, she basically confirmed what I had already thought...that she wasn't necessarily crazy, but that it just made her feel better to think that way. We then tried to explain to her how, while her feelings were understandable, that it really wasn't healthy to live in that kind of fantasy world, especially when she was already so....unexposed, shall we say, to so many aspects of the real world...such as anything having to do with history, or current events, or culture, or...anything, really.

She said that she understood that...and that she knows that she needs to read more, and become more informed & involved with things, and that she was just having a hard time being in a new place & needed some comfort & yadda yadda,. So, I felt semi-better about it & life went on. And for a long while, I didn't hear a single crazy word come out of her mouth...I started to think that maybe some reality had finally sunk it.

Nope.

In fact, all that was going on was that she was just repressing it all...in this new environment, she didn't have any of her crazy friends around to talk to about any of this, so all her new-agey-ness was just being bottled up, looking for a release. And it all came to a head over christmas...

We were going out west to visit her parents in the little town that she grew up in. I had met her parents many times before, and we got along well. They seemed to me like normal, reasonable people, and in fact, I was looking forward to spending some time with them because I actually wanted to bring some of these concerns up to them. Nothing had really come up about it lately, but there had been several embarrassing moments in public where she was trying to make conversation with people & ended up saying something that was completely out there & off-the-wall enough to make people step back a little...stuff like telling the mother of a new baby that she needed to go and look up the baby's star signs & plan out some kind of astrological growing-up chart for him. Stuff that, to her, was just normal, but that I couldn't get her to see how & why some other people might not think that.

So anyway, we go out west for the holidays...and during the 2 weeks that we were there, it all became perfectly clear....

The first thing I notice upon entering her parents house is a pamphlet sitting on the dining-room table. It was the monthly newsletter of an organization called the A.R.E.; or the Association for Research & Enlightenment. Alarm bells immediately went off in my head, because this was something that I was quite familiar with.

The A.R.E. is an organization based around the works of Edgar Cayce; a nearly-forgotten, early 20th-century 'psychic' con-man, who claimed to be able to tap into the spirit world & find information to cure almost any ailment. Cayce would, allegedly, fall into a deep trance & dictate litanies of folk-remedies to desperate souls who wrote him with descriptions of their illnesses. He also claimed that the U.S. would discover a 'death ray' weapon from the lost Continent of Atlantis in 1958, and that, of course, the universe was teeming with aliens, who were all watching our every move & guiding the human race toward enlightenment.

Apparently, her parents (in their 70's now) have been enthusiasts (if not exactly followers) of Cayce for the better part of a century. They have spent thousands of dollars on A.R.E. themed retreats & seminars, practice questionable homeopathic medicine, and, for all their seeming normalcy (and undeniable intelligence), are really just as batshit-crazy as I feared she was. And there we have our answer.

She was born into it...she's been around it all her life. It's all she's ever known. It's no different than someone who grew up in a christian or muslim home; they're not going to suddenly be converted if you just show them some literature or disprove one of their many theories. Her parents aren't gonna change, which pretty much means that she's not gonna change, either.

And when you think about it & look at the facts, it sort of makes sense. In the 40's & 50's, when her parents were young and Cayce was in the pop-culture eye, the world at large was much less skeptical, and the standards of media, as bad as they are today, were such that frauds & hoaxes often went undetected. We also did not have the science then to disprove many of the things we do today, so, in the cold light of hindsight, I can easily see how two young, idealistic people could get wrapped up in something like that. I don't really understand how they could ignore all the inconsistencies & disregard basically everything that science has learned about the world since then & continue to believe it for 50+ years, but I guess once you get comfortable with something, it's hard to shake it off. And it's probably hard not to pass some of it on to your children, too...

And yes, I know it's not my place to change anyone, or to try and tear down anyone's beliefs...although if I had somehow made it into adulthood still believing in Santa or the easter bunny, I'd desperately want someone to tell me. But that's the difference in us...she doesn't want to hear it. When I try and explain to her why the pyramids in Egypt are just big tombs & not secret energy portals that the aliens put here, it's like I can see the 2 sides of her brain warring; she hears me...somewhere inside she knows I'm right & she admits as much, but she just can't imagine having to face a reality without all this stuff in it, so she refuses to. There's literally nothing I can do.

And I can't talk to her anymore, not about anything meaningful...how can I take anything she says seriously? How can I trust one single decision that she makes? What the hell do I do? I know we can't work out together, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way (after all, who would want to be with someone who is constantly belittling that which you hold dear), but part of me is worried that, if I let her go, I'll come across her chanting & selling flowers at the bus station a year from now.

And yes, I may be exaggerating a bit, and yes, I know that's not really my problem....as my grandpa once said "you can't save everybody, son...just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!" But it's pretty clear to me that, at least in some way, she needs saving; she has to learn how to function in the real world or she's gonna be screwed; 'cus her parents aren't gonna be around too much longer, and she's got nobody else to stop her from dinking the kool-aid.

And how in the hell did I, of all people, wind up here?*

*=yeah, I know...it's rhetorical

The Shaming of the True

2008-03-24T00:33:00.006-05:00

Yeah, well....it ain't goin' so hot.

And I'm not sure if there's even anybody out there listening who cares anymore, but, as always, I'm writing this for myself as much as anything. It's been creeping into my mind for a long while now, and it's time I faced it...somehow.

At first, it was great. Well....let me qualify that; as first it was new, and in the wild world of romance, anything new is often great, at first. But, we've been together for almost a year & a half now; it's no longer new, and the greatness is gone, too. Don't get me wrong, we don't fight all the time, we still have sex, we do love each other..of that I'm sure....we're just very different, as I've said before. "Well, different how?", you might ask...

In short, she's fucking nuts.

Now let me qualify that. She's not exactly Veronica-crazy; she was crazy in a scary, boil-your-bunny kind of way. No, Annette (still no color, as she's asleep about 10 feet away from me as I write this) is crazy mainly because she was born into it, like some people are born into money or slavery. Let me attempt to explain....

Irony
i·ro·ny1 : [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -nies.
D: an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

Many of you have seen me use this word before; sometimes correctly, sometimes not. Often things are thought of as being ironic when they're really more darkly humorous than anything. Let me just assure you then, dear reader, that there could possibly be nothing more ironic than me: the most skeptical, non-religious, rational thinker I know, ending up with someone who's beliefs make Shirley MacClaine's seem mainstream.

I knew that, from the beginning, she had some personality quirks that were, let's say, wacky. She mentioned consulting her horoscope a few times early on, and said something about karma & past lives on occasion, but this, for whatever reason, didn't raise a huge red flag with me. Ok, let me take that back...even the slight mention of those kinds of things always raise a red flag with me, but in this case, I chose to ignore it. Why? I'll get to that.

You see, for those of you who don't know me (i.e. everyone), I've had something of a long & sordid history with religion. After being born southern Baptist, then raised & educated Catholic, I had the normal crisis of faith in my late teens that I assume most people go through. I spent years & years voraciously reading anything I could on the subject of faith, from both sides of the coin, and after several years of soul-searching, finally came to two happy conclusions. One, that I am agnostic, and two, that I am simply not one of those people who is driven to seek answers to the all-encompassing why-are-we-here type questions...I simply don't care. Or, to be more precise, I don't not care as much as I just think that it seems to have little bearing on how we go through this life...if there's something out there that we can only experience after we die, I'll find out about it then. If there is something out there beyond this world we see every day, then it's pretty obviously something that we're not supposed to concern ourselves too much with, lest we miss out on all the wonderful things we have to do in this world.

My feelings on this matter were also greatly affected by something that happened when I was 21 years old, when one of my best friends, whom you've heard me mention, fell into a religious cult. It wasn't the Moonies or Krishnas, and he didn't shave his head & sell pencils at the airport...it was a much more insidious, christian-based cult. He was, and still is, one of the brightest, most reasonable, well-educated people I have ever met, and it fascinated me to no end as to how this could happen to him...and yet it did. After a couple of years, he managed to come to his senses & see it for what it really was, but not before it had almost ruined his life in many ways. Over the next few years, the two of us became self-styled experts on fringe religions, mind-control cults, and the psychology of those who join them. For three years, we labored on a documentary exposing the true face behind this organization he had belonged to, only to see the cult itself crumble from within after one of it's leaders was implicated in a scandal.

During our research for the documentary, I had the chance to interview dozens of people who had gone through similar experiences. Some of their stories were truly heartbreaking, and I was shocked at how reasonable & intelligent many of them seemed, further reinforcing my theory that it doesn't matter how smart you are...some people just need to believe in something. I met wives who had lost husbands to cults, mothers that had lost their children, fathers who had been spit & cursed at by their sons. Most of these people eventually found their way out of whatever group they were in, but rarely before significant damage had been done, both to their lives & those of their families. At one point, I actually considered the possibility that this was my true calling; that I was supposed to use my talent for filmmaking not to be the next John Carpenter, but to help these people...to get their stories out, so nobody else would have to go through what they went through.

Then, as so many things do, the project fell through. After the scandal involving this group, there was no longer any cult for us to combat, and soon, my interests turned to other things, and my days as an amateur expositor/exit counselor were over. I never lost interest in the subject completely & I try to stay well-read on the subject...it just ceased to be an actual part of my life...until.

Until Annette.

So, anyway, we had met & fallen madly in infatuation with each other before I started to hear her talk about any of these things. One night, I remember she mentioned something about past-lives & I decided to ask her about it; she claimed that her parents had always believed in such things, and had just raised her that way. She tried to make it sound like she didn't really believe any of it; that it was just lip-service, no different than millions of people who profess to be christians but have never cracked open a bible or set foot inside a church in years. Besides, this was me we're talking about here, remember? Even if she did have some wacky beliefs, I was sure that it was simply because she didn't know any better. I don't mean that to sound condescending; the fact is that the vast majority of people in the world have very little critical thinking ability....that is, people tend to believe whatever they're taught or read with little questioning. Hell, I was a christian until I sat down & thought about it for a while...as were many people I knew. I figured that whatever wackiness she had been exposed to, I was the perfect antidote to come in & show her the light. Hell, I'll just explain it to her...that most psychics & astrologers are just con-men preying on the gullible; that much of this NewAge spirituality is just warmed-over eastern philosophy with a pop-culture spin & some warm & fuzzy maxims tossed in for good measure. It all makes sense once you just see it for what it is...wishful thinking, and I felt confident that any reasonable person would see as much, if given the chance to actually examine it. I'll have her cured inside of six weeks...no problemo! Right?

Yeah, well...

So that's how it began; with me trying to look past the kookiness & thinking that all she needed was to be exposed to some good old-fashioned common sense. I had all the books picked out for her to read on the subject (and encouraged her to go do research on her own, as well). I introduced her to my friend, who told her his horrifying story of life in a cult. I made sure we watched a lot of Discovery Channel because she seemed to be woefully uneducated on matters of science & history (among many other matters, that I would soon discover). In fact, after our first few conversations on the subject, I didn't hear a single esoteric peep out of her for a good couple of months, so I had basically thought that things were just working themselves out.

You see, I already had learned & accepted that she was a bit of a late bloomer, as it were. She had led an extremely sheltered life, had grown up with a protective stage mom, and was generally never encouraged to actually learn anything, other than how to sing & dance & look pretty (all of which she does amazingly well). She wasn't stupid at all, on some things she had remarkable insight, she was simply ignorant on many subjects. Her parents had failed her in that respect (which she would admit). The education system had failed her also, as I would later learn, because her mom was the school's music teacher at a small-town school, and all the other teachers took her mom's lead in not worrying about whether she knew anything except whatever would help her on stage. She graduated high school & went to cosmotology school...not exactly a paradigm of higher learning, but it's more formal education than I had, so that's no excuse. Anyway...all these were things that I naievely assumed would be cured by the simple fact of my presence. All she needed was a good example, right?

And you must also be asking yourself about now, if you know anything about me, why I was ever attracted to a girl who was not on the same intellectual level as me, as it were? For this, I have 3 answers...you decide the order of their importance.

1. She is a genuinely kind, loyal, and loving person, without a mean bone in her body.

2. She is very talented & we both shared a common interest in the same industry

3. Upon meeting her for the first time, my mom took me aside & whispered to me "Oh my lord, X, she looks just like Kara!"

...and I hear her waking up. More to come tomorrow....stay tuned

Roll With the Changes

2007-09-24T06:28:00.000-05:00

Wow...

I haven't written in the better part of a year, and this blog is still getting around 10,000 hits per month. Is it really that interesting? it's just my life....

Anyways, hi. It's me.

I know what you're thinking, "well, Lois ran off with Lex & he's back to assign her a new color and whine & blog about it for the next seventy-two years". Nope....not quite. I'm not married yet, but she's certainly still here. About 10 feet away, sound asleep, in fact. And why I'm in here wrtiting, I'm not sure....

Life has been pretty good for the past year...sometimes great, even. Many, many things have happened, as I'm sure they have to most of you, too (if anyone's still out there actually reading this, that is, and wasn't just drawn in accidentally by google thinking I'm a porn site). Life has changed...which tends to happen when there is another person added to the equation, and for those of you who know me, you'll know that change has never been my strong suit. But I've ran with it....and for the most part, it's been ok. Some of the change, I needed...some I never expected, but have accepted. I guess maybe I just wanted to see how it felt to come back here & talk about some of it...even though i'm not sure how much of that I'll actually end up doing....you know me.

But, on the off chance that any of my old readers are still out there, I'll at least make this worthwhile for all of us & throw a few bones out to summarize the past year. Let me see....(and let me try to remember my code names without looking, too)

1. Got a new roommate...as you may have surmised.

2. I finished my movie & premiered it on the big screen. it went pretty damn well...but we still haven't sold it & I haven't made a dime off it yet.

3. Spider-Man 3: very disappointed. Lazy work all around.

4. I went to Disneyworld.

5. Elaine & I have been in a fight & haven't spoken in over a month because I was 2 hours late feeding her cat while she was on vacation. Yet she's become good friends with my significant other...(no, no fake name yet...I need the right one)

6. Okay, fine...her name will be Annette(but she doesn't get a color...you know the rules). Anyway, we're very very different, and having to work through a lot of things, but I think if I wanted to, I could really make this work out in the long run.

7. Pete ran into Kara about 3 months ago. She now has 3 kids, lives about 2 blocks from him, is married to the same redneck asshole, and apparently smiled & said "Oh, that's nice" when informed of what was happening in my life. Fine.

8. I haven't seen Roxanne since the day I last blogged about her.

9. However, in the last couple of months, she has started writing me almost daily, and has basically told me that, if the two of us ever found ourselves single again, that perhaps we should give it one more try....yes, you read that right.

10. Other than wanting to pelt her with bean bags for not saying any of this stuff for the last 5 years or so, I'm not altogether sure how I feel about that. Very confused.

So fine, I'm no Letterman but there's your top 10. I think maybe I just needed to write something down...

Is anybody still out there? Beuhler? Beuhler?

Happy Endings?

2007-01-20T04:53:00.000-06:00

I know, I left everybody hangin'...I feel bad, trust me. I haven't forgotten all you guys, and I've really wanted to take time to tell everybody how great things have been going, but every time I start to take the time out to write, I decide I'd rather be out there living it than writing about it....right now, anyway.

Suffice it to say that I'm very happy...more than I've been in a long, long time. And for once, instead of dwelling on the past, I'm all about the future...it looks pretty bright. I'm sure I'll be back at some point, but I just had to say thanks to everyone for giving a damn & for letting me exorcise my demons here; it helped more than I can tell you. A lot more.

I never thought I would say this, but with any luck at all, there will be no more ex-girlfriends. I think I might have finally run out of colors....

I'll leave it up to your imagination.

Gotta run; someone's calling me.....love you guys!

2006-12-25T12:45:00.000-06:00

Better Days

2006-10-25T02:50:00.000-05:00

Just got back. I made a freakin' movie. And I met a girl. And life is pretty awesome. But I'm tired...and I got a lot to catch up on. More later...

Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart)

2006-08-17T15:12:00.000-05:00

Well, since I'm leaving for the shoot today, I had planned on just making a quick 'goodbye, wish me luck' post....and then I woke up this morning, went to my 8:00 meeting at a local coffee shop....and found myself standing in line behind Roxanne & the girl/boyfriend. Ya, I know; that's what I said, too...

I mean, even for me, those are crazy 1-in-a-million odds. I'm leaving town in like 8 hours, and it's as if fate itself woke up drunk this morning & said "Oh yeah, here...ya forgot THIS!". First time I had spoken to her in 3 months...and it was short & awkward as always, with the feel of the boy/girlfriend's eyes boring through the back of my skull the whole time. We talked about her mom, whom I heard had been ill recently, and then I told her that I was leaving today to go do the movie. She smiled politely & just said 'that's great; good luck'. Then I went to my table (where the guys I was meeting with had already been ogling her all morning before I got there), and she went to hers. She didn't say goodbye to me when she left a little while later.

Even as awkward & quiet as our interactions always are nowadays, she seemed even more reserved than usual this time, and I can't help but think it has something to do with the rift between her brother & I. Who knows.

And she looked just...gorgeous. At eight-o-fucking-clock in the morning, she could have stopped traffic a mile away. I'm honestly not sure I've ever seen her look so good, and that's saying something.

So, here I stand, having spent the past year trying to work past all this stuff, about to embark upon the biggest adventure of my life, proud of myself & excited for the first time ingod knows how long, looking forward to the future & enjoying the present....and then, out of the blue, there she is.

And I don't care.

Stop clapping; it's not what you think...I mean, I care. I still love her & I always will; but my life doesn't revolve around that fact anymore. For once, I'm out here doing something for me, and not her. I have a life to live, and she apparently has hers; I saw a glimpse of it this morning. And yes, I'm here writing about it now & thinking about it here now...but this is where I'm going to leave it, here on the page. it's not coming with me this time. I got stuff to do. And I don't even have any more time to waste writing about it.

See you guys in a month, and wish me luck. I gotta hit the road...

What a Long, Strange, Trip it's Been...

2006-08-02T01:05:00.000-05:00

Hi. Miss me? Don't answer that....

Anyway, the answer is no; I haven't left the country, or been in prison, or died, or found a girlfriend, or anything exciting like that. Yes, I did say a while back that I was getting a little weary of dwelling on the past all the time, and I guess I still am, but that's not really what's been keeping me away, either. No....the real answer is that I've been trying to be...brace yourselves...responsible.

Over the last month or so, pre-production on the movie I'm directing has shifted into high gear (or if there is a gear higher than high, then it's shifted into that one). I've been working on it literally around-the-clock, mostly out of town, or out of the house at the very least, and I've had precious little time to think, much less blog. I've even had to relinquish my actual paying writing gigs; I simply haven't had the time to get them done. And, although I've truly missed hearing from all of you on all the various misadventures that have been my life, I knew that the amount of time that I used to afford this blog (which was considerable for one as lazy as me) was simply better spent concentrating on what is undoubtebly the biggest opportunity I've ever had in my life.

I still have a hard time believing that this thing is actually happening; I've really only just wrapped my head around that fact in the last several weeks. But it is happening...in a big way...and it's all up me now to make it happen right. Well, not all up to me; there are other people involved (thank god), but I have more responsibility on my shoulders now than I've ever had...people literally have their entire fortunes riding on me right now, and it's getting pretty heavy. In fact, as I sit here pouring all this out, I find myself surprised that I haven't been blogging about it; this is pretty therapudic...I guess I've just forgotten how much. We start shooting in just 4 short weeks, and the pressure is really starting to become overwhelming. I just hope I can pull it off...

For basically all of June & July, I had nightly panic attacks (not literally, but close) about the script; it just wasn't as good as I knew we needed to make it, and it took almost 2 months of hardcore wrangling & wrestling with the writer to get it into a shape that I felt comfortable with. It's still not 100% there, in my opinion, but it's what we've got, and I'll have to make it the best I can with what I have to work with. I always imagined my first big picture would be one that I'd written myself, and could have more control over, but I'm not sure I would have been any less nervous about it had that been the case. Then, a few weeks ago, we started having some huge personality clashes between some important members of our crew, and both the producer & I lost many nights of sleep wondering how to handle the situation; who to fire, who to keep, what to do in general...and truthfully, I'm not completely satisfied with some of the folks we've decided to go with, but there's nothing I can do about it now but to hope that everyone is able to play nice together & that the film isn't brought down by too much behind-the-scenes drama. I'm doing a lot of hoping lately...which I guess some would consider a step in the right direction for me, whatever the reason.

And to top it all off, I've actually had to get...horror of horrors...a cell phone (god, just typing it makes me cringe). It was totally forced upon me by my producing partner, and I told him that I knew it was expensive, and I knew it was important that I had one, and that I appreciated it very much...and that I would really, really try with all my heart not to throw this one out the car window at 75 MPH...really. So far, so good. It helps that I was able to set Tubular Bells as my ringtone...

So, that's why I've been gone, and what I've been doing. And I can't honestly say how often I'll be able to be back until it's all over & done with...sometime around the first of October. At which time, I'll either be the happiest guy on the block, or wind up drinking my sorrows away in the nearest alley...and we all know how well I handle alcohol. I've tossed around the idea of making a blog to chronicle the making of the movie, but 1. I'm not sure I'd ever have the time to write in it, and 2. that would require me to reveal my secret identity...but I'm not so sure that's such a big deal to me anymore. Reason being, all the stuff & all the people in my past that I've been hiding from simply doesn't bother me all that much nowadays. Maybe that's just because I haven't had a spare moment to worry about such things, but whatever the reason, it's felt pretty good.

I haven't spoken to or heard from Roxanne (boy, it has been a while since I've blogged; I almost typed her real name) in over 2 months now, and honestly, I really haven't thought much about it, either. I have no idea what she's up to, or who she's up to it with...although I doubt anything has changed in that department. For the record, her brother Jerry & I haven't talked since our little falling out, either...and I'm almost ashamed to say that my life has been much less stressful, at least on that front, ever since. Sometimes you just gotta let things go (yes, that was me that you just heard say that). In a lot of ways, this project accomplished more than I ever thought it would.

My mom finally bought herself a little house down the road, and my long-lost little sister is now back in my life proper, and doing very well. In fact, she's freakin' amazing; she's the smartest, prettiest, most well-adjusted kid you could ever meet, especially considering all that she's been through, which is considerable. We hit it off right away, and it was like we'd never been apart for five minutes. her mom is still stable, and although they're still having a lot of financial troubles, I've been helping them all I can, and my other sister has, as well. I'm thrilled that I have a little sister again, and the only bad thing about it is that now I realize just what a wonderful person's life that I missed out on all those years that she was gone. Thankfully, we have a lifetime to make up for it.

Alan & his wife had the baby a few weeks ago, and she was healthy as a horse & the cutest little thing you ever saw. Alan & I didn't get the name we wanted for her (his wife vetoed it for some ridiculous reasons that we'll never understand), but we at least got the same initials, which is what we planned to refer to her by anyway, so that's all good.

Lanie is still...Lanie, but she's doing well, and is finally over her ex-boyfriend, after months of pining & whining that made even me weary. To give herself something to focus on, she's now dedicating herself to the imminately attainable task of saving the life of every single goddamn stray cat on the planet, so if you see one hanging around outside your house that looks hungry, call her...she'll drive right over. And then she'll probably bring it over here. And make me sneeze. Again.

The rest of the idiot friends are all pretty much ok, too. Pete hasn't left his house in about 3 months, ever since he got World of Warcraft for a birthday present from our other friend Barry, who hasn't left his house in about six months.. Ted is going to be doing some of the music for the movie, as he's a phenomenal blues guitarist, so we've been working closely on that. My younger brother wrapped his beautiful '83 Skylark around a telephone pole while driving home drunk one night, so things are par for the course with him, too. All in all, it's pretty much the same ol' song....I just haven't had as much time to listen to it anymore.

And, of course, there was Superman. What can I say that hasn't been said already. I'm getting all vechlempt just thinking about it...

And to all my friends out there in blogland; I miss you all & I'm sorry that I haven't been able to keep up with any of you or your written lives like I'd like to. Frankie, Jamy, Brooklyn, Chica, Manda, Pro-Divorce, Bibliotecha, Paige, Charlotte, Vegas, Painkey, Pookalu, Mazer....and everybody else; I love you all & hope you've been doing fantastic...really & truly. Don't think I haven't thought about ya', 'cus I have, and I do so often. And, actually, I have kept up with most of you the best I can, even if you haven't known it.

But, for now at least, I have to leave you all with a certain amount of uncertainly (that would be a great album title...if people still made albums); I'll be around, but I'll also be pretty distracted for the next month or two. I leave town for good in a couple of weeks, and I'll be gone through the rest of August & all of September. I do most definitely plan to continue blogging when I get back, and maybe even while I'm gone if I have the chance, but I can't really say how prolific I'll be while I'm so focused on other things. If I screw this film up, I'll be...well, screwed, so for now, I'm going to have to concentrate on the task at hand.

So, that brings us to here...the uncertain future of the Ex-Boyfriend. I'm honestly more nervous than I've ever been in my life...or at least since the night I woke up and found that note from Kara on my roommate's bathroom mirror. And this time, I can't just try to fix it all by running away to the mountains. I'm about to have one of my dreams finally come true, but in the dream, it was always easy...this has been harder so far than I ever would have imagined. But I'll pull it off...somehow. I think. I hope. And when it's all over & done, the drinks are on me...even if I just have a soda.

Anyway, I gotta quit rambling & get to bed at a decent hour (still not used to that yet), but I guess I just wanted to drop in & say hi....and to tell everyone thanks for sticking around. I'll try not to be gone too long, but who knows what will happen. Oh, and for anyone dying of suspense because I never finished the J.C. story, I'll just spoil it for ya': we broke up. Now pick your jaws up off the floor & move on...I'm trying to.

Love ya'...be back soon!
-X

2006-06-29T11:34:00.000-05:00

Ya' Know...

2006-06-16T05:08:00.000-05:00

I wanna write somethin'...I swear I do. So...here's somethin'. More later...

Ugh

2006-06-05T14:24:00.000-05:00

Well, I meant to write before now, but I caught a gnarly stomach bug this weekend & didn't feel like doin' much o' nothin'...so there.

Basically, I'm feeling better, tho...last week was just filled with all kinds of uninvited stress. First, I found out my new car may now need a whole new transmission, then I got into a huge fight with my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother), who has about a dozen different chips on his shoulder that me & everyone else are just tired of hearing about & catching the brunt of. He's one of those guys that's just angry at the entire world, and has been for years. I'm about the only friend he still has left because of how he treats everyone, and the other day he started in about something, and I just got fed up & decided I could not take it anymore, so I told him that I was tired of it & that if he wanted to still be a part of my life, he was going to have to get some help & work out whatever problems he has that make him act this way. And that did not go well, at all.

We ended up screaming at each other for about 2 hours, and it ended with him telling me to fuck off, and that he blames me for tossing his sister away into the arms of a drunk, redneck lesbian & making her life into what it is. So, that, along with another argument I got into with another friend about (mostly) unrelated stuff, kinda got me down a little, to say the least. And yes, I know he's mostly wrong, and it was mostly not my fault....but only mostly.

Honestly, though, I'm pretty worried about the guy. Like I said, I was about the only friend left that he hadn't pushed away yet, and even though he's grown up into a bitter, unhappy person who makes everyone around him feel the same way, I still feel bad, and I'm still concerned about what will happen to him. I know the guy has some dark thoughts from time to time. But I just don't know what the hell else I can do...I've tried for literally years to help the guy, and he just can't see anything past his own unhappiness...which I don't even really understand in the first place. But then Lanie reminded me of what my grandpa used to say: he said "boy, you can't save everybody, just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!". Wise words from a wise man.

But I'm sure that's not the only thing that had me feeling down....I guess it's just been one of those months. My older sister has been having money problems, too, and I've been trying to help her out, but there hasn't been much help I've been able to give. And speaking of giving, I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do if my car really needs a new transmission, 'cus I can't just plunk down another grand on it right away. I was really hoping this summer might go smoother than the last one...maybe it still will, it's early yet.

Anyway, I know all you guys are right, as usual, about me & me guilt-filled luggage. I swear I really don't blame myself for everything that happens, but there have been a few things that, if you were gonna assign blame to them, the finger would have nowhere else to point, and those are the ones that bug me. I'm trying, though...I really am. I'll keep ya' posted...

Sick of Bein' Sick...

2006-06-01T03:57:00.000-05:00

I think there's something seriously wrong with me...

Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'; that's what we've been reading about all this time, right? Maybe so. All I know is that a couple of conversations I had last night just got me to thinking about my life, and just how much I've actually progressed in trying to get out from under the shadow of my past, and I wasn't too thrilled with what I saw. I should be better. I should feel better.

Not that I really feel bad, or sad, or depressed or anything....I'm just not sure I feel too much of anything lately...at least not like I should. Oh sure, I was pissed that X-Men sucked, and I'm excited about Superman, but those things don't count. But why is it I can get excited about someone else's movie, and not my own? I'm working on what is, for all intents & purposes, the project I've dreamed about since I was 10 years old...my own actual movie...and I'm treating it like it's just another job. In other words, I'm putting as little effort into it as possible, and even after all this time, I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that it's actually happening. And I sure don't want to feel this apathetic when I'm standing there on the set in a few months....I know I'll look back on it years from now & I'll never forgive myself. Now there's something I'm good at...never forgiving myself.

Ok, fine...I've had some rough things happen in my life in the past year...but I've had plenty of good things, too. And it's not like I sit and dwell on the bad ones...I just don't spend enough time thinking about the good ones. And I'm afraid I'm just used to doing that not; that it's become second nature. And I don't like that.

I started this blog almost a year ago now, ostensibly to try and figure out why all my relationships keep going to hell, and why I keep letting them...and letting it cast a shadow over the rest of my life. I've spent the last 20 years of my life living in the past, pining for the ones that got away, and overlooking those in my present because of it, somehow always trying to lay the blame for it all at Kara's feet, or Veronica's, or even Andi's. But I know I can't blame all my problems on my failed relationships anymore. Truth be told, I feel like I've dealt with a lot of those demons now, through this project. I spent almost a dozen years wondering every day about what might have happened between me & Kara, but since I finished writing her story a couple of months back, she's barely crossed my mind at all. When I say barely crossed, that means I might only think about her once or twice a week, but still, it's been a big step. I know something good has come out of writing all this.

But it hasn't solved everything. I still carry enough guilt with me to weigh down an army. Guilt about all the years I spent with Veronica, just wasting time in both of our lives & keeping us both from finding someone we might truly have been happy with; knowing the whole time that I shouldn't be where I was, but sticking around anyway. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and it was her choice to be there, too....but I should have done the right thing long, long before I did. I feel like I literally stole part of her life away from her, and cost her the chance to have what she really wanted; a family, and the life that goes with it. She hung around as long as I would let her, and I let her because it was comforting to have her around, even knowing that she'd be better off elsewhere, and that if I cared enough, I'd see that she got there. But I didn't. Funny thing about it is, she's with someone else now, and hopefully happy finally. I'm here alone at 3 in the morning talking to you guys....

And that's only part of the guilt. I haven't even mentioned Roxanne yet....

But that's my own fault, too. This whole self-imposed relationship exile I've been on for 2 years now is a prison of my own devising. I know I don't have to be alone here, I just....am. I'm sure there is someone out there who would be here with me right now to take my mind off of it, if I would just let it happen. But, I can't seem to get excited or motivated about that part of my life again, either. Maybe it's just that the right person hasn't come along yet, but who's to say I'd know it if they did? Or if I'd react any differently? I sure as hell didn't when the right person came along before...

Speaking of whom, since all the drama a couple of months ago, my entire comminication with Roxanne since then has consisted of this e-mail exchange from few weeks ago.

ME: Hi...

HER: hi to you

ME: How ya' doin?

HER: crazy busy, but very well. you?

ME: I'm gettin' by. Just wondering how you were.

HER: i wish for you to do much more than just get by

ME: I wish for a lot of things....

Profound, I know.

When I told Lanie about that exchange, after she stopped slapping me, she asked me just how much longer I plan to keep putting myself through this...and I wished I had an answer for her. But I was too busy being slapped. I'm wondering now, though, if the real answer might be 'when I don't feel guilty about it anymore'. When I no longer stay awake at night knowing that I took her away from a promising career & a great life she had built for herself, only to bring her back down here & break her heart the first time I get a little freaked out. And then somehow convince her that I saw the error of my ways, only to do the same damn thing again almost immidiately. And no, I'm sure I didn't exactly make her switch teams, as it were, but I know damn well that it played some sort of factor; I know I said some things to her in the heat of the moment that would surely make me insecure with the opposite sex from then on if I were in her shoes. Things that weren't true. Things that I still feel guily about...

And yes, I know that other people's lives are their own, and I'm not responsible for them...but it's hard knowing that I made someoneI care so much about feel so bad. Again, and again...more guilt. But maybe that's not the answer; I mean, even if the guilt all magically dried up tomorrow, I'd still feel the same way about her...

But is that really what's wrong? Maybe. The time frame fits, since I don't think I've really been happy or excited about anything in about five years now. But I'm still not sure it's that simple. After all, when I look back on it, I wasn't feeling all that happy or excited when we were together in the first place. I know it wasn't anything to do with her, but she took the fall for it. So, what was it then? Sure, I had a lot of issues & stuff that I placed the blame on back then, and I know that was a lot of it...but was it all of it? Was I actually right in doing what I did? Could that be possible? Were we not supposed to be together in the first place, and my feelings back then were trying to tell me just that? Possibly...but my feelings aren't the most trustworthy ones in the world, so I wouldn't count on it.

So....hell, I dunno. I just know that I'm tired. And most of the time I can ignore it 'cus I'm so used to feeling that way, but sometimes I get hit in the face with reality, and I realize just how much of a mess I still am....and I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm back at square one here, in a lot of ways, even though I know I'm not really. I mean, I know I'm not crazy (not totally, anyway), I know I'm not depressed (I was depressed once, and I sure don't feel anywhere near that bad anymore), I know I'm not totally incapable of having a relationship if I were to actually keep my head in the present & try, I know that I have a lot of great opportunities ahead of me...but I take them all for granted, like I've always done. And now, I'm about to do something I've always wanted to do...and I'm sure I'll do it well...but I'd just like to be able to have a little bit of fun again.

I'd like to wake up with a smile on my face, and sing Journey songs loudly in the shower. I'd like to drive down the street & not see something that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I'd like to meet someone & not constantly compare her to someone else. I'd like to stop living in the shadow of every bad relationship I've ever had. And, above all, I'd really like to stop freakin' whining about it...

And yet here I still am. And now it's four in the morning....

2006-05-29T01:26:00.000-05:00

I'm workin' on it; I promise....

On the Road Again

2006-05-20T17:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm off to Savannah again this weekend to take care of some movie stuff....and hopefully some much-needed beach time. Apparently, we'll be staying at the home of the lady who played the abused daughter in Mommie Dearest, so I'm bringing extra wire hangers. And, since being on the road usually makes me pretty contemplative & introspective, I'm sure I'll have at least something to write about when I get back in a few days.

I've been thinking a lot about the other blog idea I talked about the other day, and I think that I'm gonna continue here for the time being, whether I'm talking about the past or not....sometimes, I just need to talk, period. Thanks for all the comments you guys left in the last week; I've taken many of them to heart, even if I haven't said so. I'm gonna hit the road...hope it doesn't hit back. See ya Tuesday...

2006-05-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

Alright; I stole this from Dating Dummy's blog, but I wanted to do my own research. Just curious what you guys think...
Discuss....

The Ballad of X

2006-05-12T12:29:00.000-05:00

You know, once again, with everything that's been going on the past couple of weeks, I just haven't felt like living in the past here so much. I'm pretty sure that's been a big part of my problem all along. But then again, I get in these moods a lot, and I always fall back into it eventually.

In any case, I just haven't felt like writing about it all lately. I have felt like writing sometimes, but nothing that really belongs here. I've been thinking of starting up another blog, maybe; one that actually deals with the present, and doesn't have to exist solely under the shadow of my failed relationships...'cus I'm pretty tired of living there, myself. Not that I still don't want to finally bring all this up to date at some point, but there's something to be said for my day-to-day thoughts being separated from all this stuff I like to dwell on. Especially when I look at the cold hard facts; I haven't been motivated to even go on a date in 2 years now, but somehow I've managed to write about 500,000 words about women I haven't seen in a decade. You do the math.

It's not that I don't think I've been learning things about myself from doing this; I think it's been very good for me, overall. It just makes me think sometimes; the whole concept of it. I've been defining my entire life by this for so long that it's just become a part of who I am. I'm the guy with the one(s) who got away, and just can't get past it. I'm the guy that the lead character meets in a bar one night, who tells him some sad, poignant story about his past that puts everything into perspective for the hero & finally makes him resolve to go back & get the girl and face down the evil railroad baron & save the day. Sure, it's a good part & everyone who sees the movie remembers the guy...but I want to be the hero again for a change.

Then again, who knows; if there's one thing I have learned about myself, it's that there's no telling how I'm gonna feel when I wake up tomorrow. Like, when I woke up this morning, I still didn't feel like writing...but here I am. Right now, though, I feel like I've got get back to the future for a while...somehow. That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, but I do need to quit dwelling, and I'm feeling more & more like that's what this project is all about. Shocking, I know. Whatever I do, I plan to keep blogging, 'cus no matter what's going on, I'm always gonna want somebody to listen to me whine about stuff....it's one of my basic needs.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I'm thinkin' about it...and I'm open to ideas. Stay tuned...

Double Ow

2006-05-03T18:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, the world is kickin my ass again; as soon as the foot got better, a huge toothache came on & my face feels like I gave Mr. T too much jibber-jabber. I've been out of bed maybe a total of 8 hours in what seems like the past week, and the pain is just great enough to totally cancel out any of the fun the good drugs I'm on might give me. I gotta get a laptop so I can blog this stuff in bed...

Anyway, no new news on lil' sis or much else...life has just been pretty lousy the last few days. I'm goin' back to bed...somebody bring me some soup.

Family Ties

2006-04-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

Hurt my foot yesterday....much pain....can't walk....must whine....must...have...pity.

And aside from that, somethin' pretty crazy has happened. No, Roxanne hasn't broken up with her girl/boyfriend, and my immidiate family hasn't gone nuts again. However...well, see, I have this younger sister; we'll call her Sarah. She's about 20 years my junior, and I never even knew she existed until my dad died several years ago. My older sister & I met her back then, when she was about 5. Her mom, my dad's last wife, was a drug-addict & all-around shady person, pretty much like my dad. So, after his funeral, we tried our best to become a part of our lil' sister's life; my older sis (let's call her Mandy) started keeping her on the weekends & letting her get to know my nephews & neices, and I took her out for ice cream & burgers and hung out as much as I could. Sarah was an amazing little kid, and she reminded me a lot of myself when I was that age. Also, she was the last living relative I had that shared my last name; all my brother's & sisters have their mom's last name....she & I were the last ones left.

But that didn't last long. As I said, her mother wasn't the most stable person in the world, and after about a year of us spending every other weekend together, she just...disappeared. Her mom's phone was cut off, her apartment was emptied....she was just gone. Her mom, let's call her Shelly, had no family left that we knew of, and we had no way to get in touch with them if she did. We figured we'd hear from her before too long & find out what happened, but a week turned into a month that turned into a year that turned into a decade. We didn't know what to do, so finally we just let it go and hoped that one day we'd learn what happened & see our little sister again. That was 13 years ago.

So, flash-forward to the present. My friend Alan, as you may know, is a lawyer now, and being a lawyer gives him access to all kinds of nifty government records & the like. So, as soon as he got his degree, and after I'd already had him look up all the ex-girlfriends, I gave him all the information we had on Sarah & her mom and waited to see what he dug up. It took a few months, but finally, he was able to procure an address for us. Her mom was apparently living under her maiden name in a town about 2 hours away...or so it looked. So, I gave my older sister Mandy the info and we both sat down to write them a letter, not knowing if they would respond, or if they were even still at that address. That was about 2 months ago.

And yesterday, we got a letter back in the mail. It was from Sarah.

She is 15 now, and about to turn 16 in July. She had been living with her mom at Shelly's boyfriend's house for the last few years, but he had recently died of cancer, and her mom was also diagnosed with it recently. Shelly, her mom, is dying, and may only have another year or so to live. Sarah said that she was in school, and making good grades, but that things had been really tough at home, and she knew that they were really struggling...at least as much as a 15-year-old can know. She left her phone number for us to call, and she sent us a picture of herself; she got all the looks in the family, apparently, because she's turned out just beautiful (and my older sister is no slouch, believe me). She sounded, against all odds, like a smart, normal kid. We were thrilled, of course, and called her immidiately.

We talked to her for hours, about everything that had happened in her life the past several years. She had a rough upbringing, like we all did, but she's smart as a whip, and she has a great head on her shoulders; she really has turned into as normal a kid as she could, given the circumstances, which were not optimal, to say the least. She loves to read, she loves movies, she liked old music, she wants to try writing someday...she's most definitely my sister. But, she's in a bad place...

Her mom is dying, and hasn't been working for months. And, during our conversation, Mandy & I couldn't help notice that she mentioned food over and over; she was hungry. She said that they had recently gone to request aid, but with all the recent action with Katrina, they weren't able to get much help. They have a few neighbors who have been helping them out from time to time, but the situation is not good. Shelly has a one sister left alive, apparently, but it sounds like she's pretty screwed up herself, and there's no way she could take care of Sarah if anything were to happen to her mother. And something is going to happen to her mother...sooner or later.

So, the question is, when that does happen, what do we do? My sister already has six kids of her own to raise under her own roof; four of hers, two of her husbands. There's no possible way she could just take on a 15-year-old on top of everything else. My older brother (did you even know I had an older brother?) is about as irresponsible as they come, and neither one of us have heard from him for almost a year now, which is par for the course where he is concerned; there's no way he's parenting material.

So, where does that leave us? With me.

I can't even begin to imagine trying to raise a teenage girl; hell, I'm still screwed up just from dating teenage girls years ago...you guys know that. I don't have the means, the income, the space, or the patience to even consider it...but this is my little sister; what can I do? I mean, nobody has seriously mentioned it yet, but Mandy & I talked about the situation, and, if it were to come down to that, we don't know what else to do. My poor momma can't take care of her, and I'm certainly not going to let my sister go live with some foster family or be placed somewhere. I love that little girl like crazy, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anything else happen to her, so If it absolutely has to be done, then I will do it...but I have no idea how I'll do it.

Sure, she's almost 16, but when I was 16, I was nowhere near ready to go and face the outside world...and I don't know much about rearing teenagers, but I'm guessing that these next couple of years will be pretty damn important, and she's going to need somebody....

And I can't even really grasp the concept yet; it's hard enough to believe that we even found her after all these years, much less all this other stuff. I don't have any idea what will happen, but we're supposed to be going to see her this weekend, so maybe we'll get a better idea of the situation then. When it comes down to it, I'm just glad we found our little sister. I do wish I was rich, though...that'd make things easier.

I'll let you know what happens...back to the past later.

Yawn

2006-04-26T02:56:00.000-05:00

Well, so far, this has been a crazy week, too...but thankfully not due to anyone else crawling out of the woodwork; been all wrapped up in work, family drama, Lanie-breaking-up-with-boyfriend drama, hockey playoffs, and riding my sweet new mountain bike & haven't had any time to blog. Be back tonight, tho. Go Sharks!

Double Jeopardy

2006-04-21T01:14:00.000-05:00

Alright; that was weird...but strangely ok. And no..she didn't find the blog. Thank god...

She just called to see how I'd been doing; she said she saw an ad for the new Superman on TV & it made her think of me, though I doubt she was picturing me in the suit (then again, she did buy me a sweet Spidey suit once long ago, but that's another story). It was actually sorta nice to talk to her, almost...it had been well over a year. Even though, whenever I talk to her nowadays, I have a hard time seeing how we got together in the first place. But somehow it happened.

She's just the same...but it just occured to me that you guys don't know exactly what that means yet, so I'll save it for later. One thing that bugs me, though...and this bugged me that last time we spoke...if I didn't know any better, and if it was any other person, I'd almost say she was coming on to me. But it's J.C., so you'll just have to take my word for it that she couldn't have been...I don't think.

And another thing that bugs me is that, as soon as we broke up, J.C. all of a sudden started liking things that I had always liked; she suddenly started reading comics & watching hockey in particular; two things she never did before, and never seemed all that open to when she was with me. What's that all about? Where was all that interest when I could have used it? She told me she just got back from vacation, where she got a freakin' Wonder Woman tattoo! I mean, come on! Please!

And no, I know what you're thinking; it's not gonna happen again, tattoo or not...trust me when I say that we are not compatible, not unless she's gone through some drastic personality shifts in the last few years, 'cus lord knows I haven't.

In any case, at least it got it out of the way for a while. And for a huge added bonus, my e-mail to Veronica seemed to work like a charm; shouldn't be hearing from her for a long while, and that does make me rest easier at night. Seriously, though...two in 2 days; what are the odds? And why is it never the ones I want? Okay, lose the 's' after that 'one'....

Back to the past later...

Expect the Unexpected...

2006-04-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

In a really freaky twist of fate that I still can't really wrap my head around, I am talking to J.C. on the phone right now as I type this....she called out of the blue about 20 minutes ago. Gotta run...

Gimme Shelter...

2006-04-19T01:56:00.000-05:00

I swear to god, these things come in waves.

I woke up this morning fully aware that it was Roxanne's birthday & prepared to have to ignore that all day. I didn't wake up at all prepared to receive an e-mail from Veronica, telling me that she just wanted to know if I was "doing ok". Well, I was doing better....

I wrote her back a short, but polite letter that said I was fine and hoped she was, but still didn't feel like we should be talking; I guess we'll see if she leaves it at that. Still, it bothered me just to know that she's thinking about me, as it always does, and I had to try and shake that off all day.

Then, for the kicker, my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother) calls & says that he needs a big favor from me, which turns out to be giving him a ride to the stupid skating rink where they're holding her goddamn birthday party...and where they probably have signs & guards posted to keep me away for a six-block radius. Still, I did it; he would have done it for me. I dropped him off a block away, though. Then I went & got drunk. Alone. And that sucked.

And I got home & sat down here just a little while ago thinking that I felt like doing just about anything but thinking about another ex today, but the more I think about it, I figure that if I'm writing about J.C., at least I won't be thinking about the others for a little while, so what the hell...

(sound of Wayback machine)

The next Monday at work, I remember seeing her as I walked in, but we both had our hands full that day & I remember being really frustrated that I didn't have a chance to talk to her. After work that day, everyone was gathered around the front room, and after they all cleared out, I hung back a few minutes to try and steal a moment with her. We talked a little bit as we walked out & somehow, we started talking about television. She mentioned that she hadn't gotten cable hooked up in her new apartment yet, but that a friend had lent her a stack of movies to watch, and that night she was planning on watching The Stunt Man, which, no bullshit this time, happens to be one of my favorite movies. So, I mentioned that to her, and she asked if I'd like to come over & watch it with her. She was going to do laundry after work, but she told me to come by around 8 or so.

I showed up at her house a few minutes late, because I remember realizing on the way over that I hadn't trimmed my fingernails & they looked pretty ratty that day, so I had to turn around & head back home (which was only a couple of miles away) to take care of them. When I got there, she gave me the little tour of her apartment that we hadn't had time for the other day, and then we sat down to watch the movie. We barely got 10 minutes into it, though, before it was totally drowned out by our talking. We did the whole getting-to-know you thing some more & found that we really had a lot in common. And I remember noticing the way she laughed for the first time; it was this really goofy, yet adorable kind of gasping chuckle, and when I noticed it, it made me aware of how much she was growing on me. I got the sense she was on the same page, as well.

The movie eventually ended & when we finally noticed, she picked out another movie from her stack for us to watch...but I don't remember what it was. Yes I do! It was Romy & Michelle, and for some reason, we actually got sort of caught up in it. While we were watching it, we slowly & gradually both relaxed on the sofa, until she was basically leaning her back against me, and I remember wrestling with whether I should put my arms around her or not, and thinking that was an awful high-schoolish thought to be having at 26 years old. But, by the time I decided to go for it, I looked down & she was fast asleep, with her head resting against me. It was almost 11 by that time, and we both had work in the morning, but I remember sitting there, looking at her for a minute or two, just studying her face & watching her as she breathed. I remember noticing the slightly-odd yet totally cute shape of her nose & how nice her skin was, and I remembered wondering if she was a snorer (turns out she was, big time). After a few minutes, I slowly moved to get up while trying not to wake her, but she popped her eyes open as soon as I stirred.

She giggled & apologized for falling asleep, and gave me a big hug before I left. I drove home that night wondering if I should have kissed her; I was pretty sure I could have pulled it off, but I still hadn't gotten to the bottom of this whole psuedo-boyfriend thing, so I figured I'd just see what happened.

I don't remember what happened at work that day, but the next night, she called me at home. It was a little after seven or so, because I remember I had already eaten, and I was a little surprised to hear from her; I don't think she had called me before. She asked what I was doing & when I told her nothing much, she asked me, in what I remember was the shiest, cutest voice ever, if I'd like to come over for a while. I remember distinctly thinking Jackpot!, but I didn't show my cards yet; instead, I asked her "Well, what do you think your boyfriend would say about that?".

She got quiet for a second, and I could hear her searching for words before she said "Well, I guess we need to talk about that, don't we?".

"Well, I don't know...do we?", I asked.

She sighed. "yeah, we do....just come over & we'll talk about it. I'll explain it all to you, I promise."

So, I did.

When I got there, she had some candles lit, and a really sheepish look on her face. I remember we hugged each other, sat down on the sofa, and she pretty much jumped right into it, so I just sat & listened.

"Well, about this boyfriend thing...", she began.

"You mean the boyfriend you don't know if you have or not?", I said, raising an eyebrow.

She sighed deeply, as that was one of her things to do, before she said "Okay, technically, I don't have a boyfriend..."

"Ok, so what do you have?"

"Well, nothing, really...I mean....well, it's a long story...."

And it kind of was, but it went pretty much as she had explained it before. There was this guy whom she used to date about three years ago, and at the time, she had wanted to get more serious than he did, so they had broken up. Apparently, right before she had moved back to town, he had called her up from where he was living a few states away & tried to re-kindle the relationship. At first, she said, she was excited about it, but after talking to him for a while, she had begun to realize that maybe he wasn't what she was looking for. They hadn't even seen each other yet since they had started talking again, but he was coming through town in a couple of weeks & they were supposed to meet up & talk. She had already decided, however, to tell him that she had reconsidered.

So, I asked her what it was that had made her reconsider, and she got quiet for a minute before she said "Well, I sort of met somebody....or at least I think I did."

You don't say?

"So, then you don't have a boyfriend, after all?", I asked.

"No...no, I don't", she said.

"Well, what about this other person you've met", I asked coyly.

I remember she looked up at me for a second & smiled shyly. But then she kind of freaked out on me...or 'spazzed out', as she would have said. I don't remember exactly what she said, but all of a sudden, she was a little ball of neurosis. She started going on & on about how, yes, we had met & we had obviously been flirting and we obviously liked each other, but that she was nervous about getting into a new relationship and she didn't know what it was that she wanted...and yes, she had been thinking about me a lot lately & wondered if I had been doing the same, but she was apprehensive about getting involved with someone from work, and on & on & on and yadda yadda yadda until I just figured this was the time...

So, I pulled my trusty old move: the ol' dramatic, mid-sentence, grab-by-the-shoulders & plant one firm on the lips kiss. And she went for it. Big time.

We kissed for a moment, and I remember reaching up to brush the hair back from her face as we pulled away & she smiled at me as she blushed, turning bright red. "I've wanted to do that for a long time, now.", I said.

"Me too", she said.

So, we did it again. After a few minutes, we parted again & she looked me right in the eyes.

"Ok, if we're gonna do this, there's some things you should know about me...", she said.

"Well, good, 'cus there's a lot of things I want to know", I told her.

"I'm not the type to just casually date people here & there; I just can't do it. I don't mean I expect us to be exclusive right away, don't freak out or anything; I just mean that if I'm dating you, I'm going to be dating only you...I don't know how you feel about those things, but that's just the way I am.", she said.

Somehow, during the last minute or two, we had ended up holding hands, and I noticed her rubbing my finger with hers. "Good, because If I'm going to date you, I want to date only you...I'm not one of those guys who can go out with a different girl every night of the week, either". At least, not anymore...

She smiled at me. "Well, that's good to hear". I remember we just looked at each other for a long moment. I also remember feeling like something important had just happened, and it kind of freaked me out a little bit, but in a way that I was vaguely familiar with, but couldn't quite place. In any case, it was a nice moment.

She looked down at my hands in hers & I think she was still blushing, which I thought was about the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I tried to break the ice & asked her "So, what do we do now?"

She looked up at me & said "I don't know...."

I scooted a little closer to her & said "We could do that again?", and I kissed her. We made out there on her hard, uncomfortable sofa like a couple of teenagers for what seemed like hours before we were interrupted by her phone ringing. I remember being almost relieved, because I had no idea how far to try & take it....and also think I secretly wanted her to not let me take it too far; I wanted her to be a nice girl, whatever the hell that means.

She talked to who I think was her mom on the phone for a few minutes, and I remember walking around her living room while she did, checking out all her books, pictures & stuff. She had just moved in, so there wasn't very much in the way of decoration, but I remember there were no pictures of any guys that looked like ex-boyfriends anywhere to be seen,and I took that as a good sign.

After she got off the phone, she walked over to me & we kissed again for a minute, a little less passionately & more...I dunno...I want to say tenderly, but that sounds so wussified. In any case, we were both a little nervous about how far to take things, and I'm sure we both knew it. So, we agreed that it was getting late and that it was best we call it a night, I remember her telling me that we'd have plenty of time to pick up where we left off later.

So, I kissed her goodnight, told her that I had a wonderful time, and that I'd see her in the morning. She watched me from the doorway as I walked to my car, and I remember smiling all the way. Until I got in the car, thought about what I'd just said, and realized Holy fuck! I'm gonna see her in the morning! I freakin' WORK with her! This could be bad! And this is ME we're talking about...this could be REAL bad! What did I go & do now?

But that lasted about eleven solid seconds; I was far too excited to let logic bring me down. I cranked up the Queensryche & drove home floating on air, not giving a good goddamn that I had just violated the cardinal rule that my grandpa had told me when I was just a buck: Son, you don't shit where ya' eat....

(sound of Wayback machine reversing)

Ya know...that didn't really help. Happy freakin 'birthday....

Fat Bottomed Girls

2006-04-14T02:54:00.000-05:00

I tried to be as casual about it as I could. "So, what are you doing this weekend?", I asked.

"I don't know...nothing much; I need to unpack some..." She had just moved to town again after living about an hour away. "What are you doing?", she asked me.

"Probably not much...I thought about going to see a movie..." I let it hang.

"What are you gonna go see?" She grabbed on.

"I'm not sure...I can't remember what's out..."

"Well, that new Pedro Almodovar film is opening at the (local artsy theatre)...do you like his stuff?" She asked.

"Absolutely!", I said. "You want to go see it?"

Let me take a moment to confess that, I guess I've seen a couple of Pedro Almodovar movies, and I might have enjoyed some parts of them, but basically there are two kinds of movie fans in this world; there are those who like subtitled foreign films & discussing the intellectualism they hallucinate into them, and there are those who would much rather be at the all-nite Friday the 13th marathon at the drafthouse where the audience formulates a drinking game based on the frequency of the shower scenes & decapitations...and this critical factor would, ironically, go on to become the crucible of our relationship...and I guess it's funny that our first date was sort of predicated upon that...and I've never really thought about that before...wow...first big revelation.

But anyway, my point was, I didn't give a shit about Pedro Almodovar...but if it got me in the door, I could deal with it.

So, we agreed that I would pick her up that Friday after work for dinner at the Japanese restaurant (did I mention I freakin' hate Japanese food?) down the street from the movie. And afterwards, if we felt like it, she also suggested a band that she knew of that was playing nearby. Did I also mention I hate bar bands?

In any case, I was pretty excited. Since most of my relationships have tended to just come out of nowhere or just get sort of tossed into my lap, I've really never had too many experiences in the world of dating, proper. I mean like the courtship kind of dating, where you go pick 'em up at the front door, and you make stupid small talk on the way to dinner, and then you have to try and get to know what you can about each other before the cheesecake arrives because you know you'll be sitting in a dark theatre for the next two hours, and you sure won't be able to do anything then but try and read each other's body language & figure out where the hell you should put your hands in relation to hers & the armrest, and then after you've both had a couple of hours two stew about it all, you face that deciding moment where....

....okay, I got a little off-track there....and that's the me of the present talking, because the me of the past was pretty hyped when I pulled up to her house that night.

I had borrowed a shirt from Alan, 'cus I had no idea what her idea of casual was, and I also wasn't 100% sure that this was an actual 'date'-type date. I knew she liked me, but it had all been pretty casual so far. When she opened the door, however, I smelled the perfume, which was pretty much a giveaway (that's a rule we go by, for all you ladies out there: if you're wearing perfume, it's a date). She smiled & invited me in, and I thought she looked pretty damn cute out of her work clothes. I can't remember what exactly she had on, but I know it was cute. Demure, but cute.

We didn't linger in her house long; we hopped into my truck & headed over to my neighborhood, where the theatre & stuff was. I remember I had Peter Gabriel on the stereo; it took me a few minutes before I had left home to decide on some music that wouldn't freak her out. I can't remember a damn thing we talked about on the way over, but I remember purposefully not smoking on the way over, and wondering if she noticed. Did I mention she hated smoking?

All I really remember about the food is that it was lousy, even though it looked kinda neat in those little black compartment-trays. I do remember what we talked about, though, because at some point, I asked her "So why don't you have a boyfriend?". And I sure didn't expect it when she answed with:

"Well...I sort of do."

Time out, I thought.

"You have a boyfriend?" I asked; maybe more accusingly than I realized. She was obviously a little conflicted about whatever it was that she was telling me.

"Well, I do...and I don't. I guess I don't really know if I do.", she said, searching for words.

"You don't know whether you do or not?", I asked.

"Well, I guess I don't. But I might.", she said.

Yes, I was confused, too.

"Ok, J.C., you gotta tell me what the deal is here.", I said...and I wish i knew how I sounded when I said it; I'd be curious.

"Well...there's this guy....(isn't there always)...and we used to date a few years ago in college, and we've sort of been talking lately, and we've been talking about getting back together..."

"But you're not back together with him?" I asked.

"No...I'm not. And I'm not sure I'm going to be...in fact, I'm probably not, but it's just all sort of weird right now..." she said, almost apologetically.

"It sounds like it...". I remember cursing myself for asking for the no-smoking section.

"Look; it's really not that big a deal...we've just been talking, and that's really all it's ever been between us: a lot of talk", she explained. I remember exactly how I felt that moment as I sat there trying to feel her out: I remember thinking that, on paper, it sounded like she was trying to steer me out of date-ville & straight on to the exit that goes directly to just-friends-ville or right out of town. But, everything about her voice & her body language said something different. It was like she telling me this almost grudgingly, and like the more the talked about it, the more she seemed to distance herself from the idea of it. I had the distinct sense that she wanted to see if I gave a flying shit or not; that maybe she didn't even know for sure if I was interested or not. So, I decided to throw her a bone...

"Well, that's a shame.", I said.

"Why's that?", she asked.

"Well, it just is.", I said with little smirk. "You ready to go to the movie?"

"Oh....ok!", she started to fumble for her purse.

"No, it's ok...let me get it.", I said, pulling out my wallet.

"You don't have to do that!", she said, "it's not like we're on a date, or something..." she said, smiling.

I thought for a second about telling her the perfume rule, but I didn't; I just smiled a little. Like I said, on paper it sounds like she was trying to find a loophole, but I got the feeling she was just trying to get me to jump through a couple of hoops to see if I was worthy, which turned out to be right, for better or worse. In any case, I let us split the check, I think...I can't really remember.

Nor do I remember a damn thing about the Almodovar movie, and I can't even recall the name of it now, but it was whichever one he made in 1998 so I guess I could look it up if it meant anything to the story, which it doesn't. I don't remember much about the band we went to see afterwards, either...other than they were just your average bar band. I do remember that she thought she saw one of her old boyfriends there, but lost him in the crowd, and that made me wonder for a minute if I was dealing with a girl who had dated everyone in town, which turned out not to be the case at all, but anyway...

I do remember doing one really stupid thing as we were leaving the club, though; we were walking out & there was this woman wearing a leather miniskirt that was, well, way too small for her frame, and, like a moron, I made some joke about her having a big ass. Yes, yes, I know...never joke about big asses around women in any way; don't even put the two words together. But, I did it, and she shot me a disapproving look & I kicked myself for once again not replacing my stupidity filter.

And I'll be damned...I just now remembered that we went to play Lazer Tag afterwards; there was one of those places downtown near the club, and we just walked in on a whim. And I remember it was fun...we shoulda done that again.

I do remember being a little nervous the rest of the night that I had been an insensitive jerk in her eyes after the ass-joke, but I don't really remember much else of what we did, other than it went pretty well, from where I sat. I mean, we hadn't jumped on each other in the middle of the bar, but we had gotten along really well all night, and there had definitely been sparks. I was wondering what I should do when we got back to her place; whether I should try for the kiss or the invite in, but with the new semi-boyfriend angle she had introduced, I figured I would wait & see what she did instead.

And, for the life of me, I can't remember what in the hell we did when we got back there. I mean, I know we didn't do the nasty...I didn't even kiss her...but I can't remember if I came in, or if I just dropped her off at the door, or what happened. The next clear memory I have is of driving home, listening to KISS at peak volume & feeling pretty good about the whole night. I remember thinking how I should have been totally put off by what she told me, but being amazed by the fact that I wasn't the least bit worried about it. I think I knew, even then, that this was going to turn into something, but I didn't know it would happen quite as fast as it did...

As I was saying...

2006-04-12T01:46:00.000-05:00

I met J.C. about eight years ago yesterday, give or take...

I was working at a production house, making really cheap, lousy commercials for local car dealerships & the like, when word came through the grapevine about a job on a documentary series that was being produced by a sister company. They needed a supervising editor for the project, and because I used to get high with one of the executive producers, I was able to weasel my way into the gig.

They set us up in a little house & sent me to work early setting up the equipment for the show. The plan was to hire (I think) six producers to work on the series, doing two episodes each, with me doing the remaining episode. The first producer they hired was a guy whose claim to fame was producing the video for....well, an extremely famous theme song to a big hit comedy from the 80's, so basically they spent about half of the budget to hire this guy, and filled the rest of the positions with some journeymen around town, and a couple of first-timers. By the first day of production, I had met everyone else, except for one of the first-timers; all I knew about her was that she had worked as an assistant editor at a rival company to the one I had worked for, and that her name was J.C.

On that first morning, I was setting up an editing system in the middle of the front room, when this mousy little girl with short, brown hair & glasses walked through the door, carrying a cup of convenience-store coffee. I remember her holding out her hand to shake mine & introducing herself to me as I brushed the dust from the floor off my hands. I didn't really think twice about her, other than she seemed nice. It's not that she wasn't attractive, but she just didn't immidiately catch my eye, and there was no golden light shining behind her head the first time I saw her, like some other people.

The only other clear memory I have of her that first day was that something was wrong with the computer I had put together for her, and she called me over to ask me if I could fix it for her. I remember that, as I leaned in next to her, I noticed that she had bad breath. I wasn't repulsed by it or anything, but I do remember it, and I remember thinking about it months later, when she asked me what the first thing I had noticed about her was, and deciding that I should make something up, instead of telling her that...

We worked in the same room, basically, for another few days, but I don't really remember anything that happened then. Next thing I remember is getting a call from the head office a few days into the job; they had another show in the pipeline that less than a week away from the deadline, and some huge tragedy had happened where they had lost several weeks work & had to make it up in about 3 days. I was apparently the only person who could get the job done fast enough, for little enough pay, and with no regard whatsoever for my personal health, so they drafted me away for a few days to save their ass. So, I did.

I came back to the new office a few days later, and I remember I got there a little late that morning, because I was getting new brakes on my car. When I arrived, everyone was moving furniture out the door, becuase the boss had apparently found another office down the block that he could rent for about $50 cheaper, and he was having his whole production staff haul everything over. So, I rolled up my sleeves & prepared for moving day.

And then it happened...

I remember seeing one of those long, fold-up office tables being carried out the door by a pair of unknown hands. As she put the table down, I could see that it was J.C.; she was wearring jeans & this little rainbow-striped shirt that reminded me of the seat covers in my mom's old Volkswagen. She had her hair up in a ponytail & she was huffing & puffing from carrying the big table out the door, and her face was all red & flushed. She had a light sheen of sweat on her face & neck that made her all shiny & rosy in the sun....and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she was hot.

I also noticed that she was considerably more...well-proportioned than I had thought...maybe it was the clothes she had been wearing, I didn't know. All I know is that she had one particular asset that I had no idea how I had missed. But still, I should be honest & say that I was just more surprised at her sudden cuteness rather than lovestruck by her beauty, and the only blinding light was still the natural one from the sun outside. I still didn't have any thoughts at the time of persuing her.

In fact, I hadn't been persuing anybody for a while, then....about five or six months, as I recall. I had broken up with Veronica yet again the previous September, and the whole ordeal with Jenna had just happened that Christmas & it all still had me a bit reeling. So, I went on about my business & we moved into the new office. There was a little space upstairs that I immidiately claimed as mine, and the rest of the crew moved in downstairs. It was a day or two later that we finally got everything set up & unpacked, but the first thing I did in my office was the first thing I always do: hang up the Springsteen poster. And that's what really started it...

I was sitting in my office a couple of days later, cutting together some footage, when I head J.C.'s rather charming, southern voice behind me ask "Do you like Bruce?".

Ha. Do I like Bruce...

She came in & checked out my poster, and then we talked for a while; about Bruce, at first. Turned out she liked the more recent, happily-married, acoustic-heavy Bruce, while I'm still more a fan of the old streetwise, hot-rodding, blue-collar, steel-mill Bruce...but in any case, a female Bruce fan was somewhat rare in my life at that time (this ain't New Jersey, folks), and I was quickly enraptured...sort of. I remember thinking about five minutes in to the conversation that we were flirting with each other, but I still wasn't sure. She left after a few minutes & we exchanged a couple more words that day, but she was definitely growing on me.

So, the next day (it might not have been the next next day, but I think it was), I was pretty hyped when the exec. producer came to me that morning & asked me if I could go over to the big office & help J.C. with putting some images on the photo manipulator (an ancient, dinosaur of a machine used to put still images on film that has been obsolete for years, and is roughly as difficult to operate as a stealth bomber), which was apparently about to come alive & crush her. I remember I stopped to buy some gum on the way over, so at least one of us in the room would have fresh breath.

When I arrived, she was wrestling with the controls for this ridiculous machine and listening to Semisonic (a band that I would have never known existed were it not for her) on the little CD player she had brought in. I showed her how to manipulate the manipulator, and then just hung out the rest of the day talking to her. We talked about music, mainly, I remember, and we were definitely flirting. So, when lunchtime came around, I asked her to come with me.

We took my car to a nearby generic chain restaraunt, and I remember asking her if it was ok for us to sit in the smoking section; she agreed although she didn't like smoke, and I remember thinking that was probably a pretty good sign that she liked me, as deadly & thoughtless on my part as it was. It would also be the last time she & I ever sat in a smoking section.

We had a really good time that day at lunch, and we laughed a lot. I remember the first thing I asked her was what her initials stood for. She told me that she didn't like her full name, but that it sounded like "a type of stone, a color, and a part of the body". She was right, but I would have never guessed what it was...she had a very unusual, southern name, like a heroine in an old Tennessee Williams story. Personally, I thought her full name was lovely, but she always insisted on being called by her initials.

We talked a lot about movies & what it was that made us want to get into the business...and I remember thinking that her taste in movies was pretty cool. She was a big fan of Blade Runner (or at least she said she was, although thinking about it now, it was never in her collection & I never remember her mentioning it again), and that scored some points with me. We also exchanged short life stories, and realized that we knew a lot of the same people. In fact, small world as it is, she had gone to school with Roxanne...although she, being only a year younger than me, was not in her class.

I remember us driving back to work that day & definitely having the sense that something was going to happen between us, but I still wasn't sure what. For one thing, she seemed like a much more...together person than the women who usually come my way; more in Maria's league, and we know how long that lasted. Still, she interested me enough to make me take a shot, so at the end of that day, before I went back to the new office, I asked her if she'd like to go out that Friday night. She said she would. So, we did...

2006-04-06T01:46:00.000-05:00

I'm alive...more to come.

FYI...

2006-03-31T19:08:00.000-06:00

Leaving now to go hang out w' the guys. Fuck the show...everybody wang chung tonight.

Craps

2006-03-30T20:08:00.000-06:00

She said she's going with another friend of hers, who is also friends with the boyfriend one, so she can't go with me. She was really formal & brief about it, so I dunno. Not even sure if I should go myself; what would be the point if we won't get to talk to each other? Alan's coming into town anyway; maybe I should just not worry about it. Wonder how long that will last...

Roll the Bones

2006-03-30T00:37:00.000-06:00

Got a wild hair & wrote Roxanne to ask her if she would come have coffee with me after the show on Friday, if she were unaccompanied. We'll see what happens....

Still the Same...

2006-03-27T14:24:00.000-06:00

Been takin' a lil' break...as some of you kind readers suggested. Imagine that, me not wanting to dwell on my past...stop the presses. Nothing much to write about, anyway, although it turns out that I won't be moving next week, after all. My landlord offered me a good deal to stay, and I really like the place & didn't want to move, anyway, so I'm gonna stay put for the time being. I haven't told Lanie yet, but she's gonna be dissappointed; I'm pretty sure she had been looking forward to having me under the same roof to serve as her emotional tampon whenever the flow got heavy. I'm kidding...but she is gonna be bummed. As it got closer & closer, though, the thought of having roommates again was really starting to make me panic...I'm really not sure I could've coped, so I'm glad things worked out the way they did.

Speaking of the devil, I'm still thinking about allowing Lanie to do a guest-blog, but when I told her the other night that folks actually might be interested in hearing from her, she got all flighty & said she didn't know what to say...to which I told her that I just figured she already had something she wanted to say, since it was her idea & all. But, no, apparently she just wanted to bitch about how much this whole thing w' Roxanne has been annoying her, and how lame I am because of it...something I think I do a pretty good job of conveying already. In any case, I might not be opposed to it...maybe if I let her go on her own she could give some perspective on the situation that I can't, or won't.

No new news from Roxanne...but I might be seeing her this weekend. It turns out that her & Jerry's stepsister is having some stupid fund-raiser for her stupid performance-art troupe on Friday, and I know she's gonna be there....probably without the boyfriend one, 'cus she rarely goes anywhere that Roxanne's parents will also be (her parents don't know...and she has no plans of telling them...which only reinforces my theories, but I digress). Even if the boyfriend one does show up, at least I'll get to see how they are together, and I'll get to make the other one nervous & edgy, which is always fun.

And, as far as the project goes, before I got back on the Roxanne-a-go-round a couple weeks ago, I had planned to skip ahead a year or so & start in on the J.C. story...which I think will be the next step here. I know a couple of people have asked to hear about more craziness from Veronica, and there'll be plenty more of that to come, but I might skip ahead a bit just to be able to write about something less depressing for a while & get myself back into the groove. It all comes out the same in the end, anyway....

But, for the rest of today, I'd like you all to join me in a moment of remembrance for someone we lost this weekend...

Keep on pickin' & grinnin', Buck....

Change in the Weather...

2006-03-22T13:26:00.000-06:00

I'm a weak, weak man. or, at least that's what Lanie keeps telling me...and she's probably right.

I sent Roxanne a message yesterday, after not replying to her for over a week. I basically just told her that I wasn't mad at her, but I still didn't want to do this dance back & forth over e-mail. So, I got a letter back from her just now. It was short, but she thanked me for understanding that she didn't any harm...and that she's been thinking very carefully about what I said, and although she can't do it right this moment for reasons she didn't specify, she's thinking about the two of us sitting down to...talk about things. Whatever that means.

And, for the first time in four years, she said those three words all in a row. Not 'I'll always love you, or 'I still have feelings for you' or 'much love, or 'love always'...but straight up 'I love you'. And I wouldn't read too much into it if I didn't know she was choosing her words as carefully as I'm choosing mine.

So...who knows. In one way, it's the same as it ever was; the ball is in her court & I'm just warming the bench. On the other hand, if this is indeed what I want to happen...then maybe I'm not as big a chump as I thought. In any case...so much for moving on.

In other news, I'm gonna be moving out of my house in a few days. The rent on my place is being raised by more than I want to pay, so...drum roll...I'm gonna be moving in with Lanie for a little while. Actually, she lives in a big house that some friends of mine own, and one of the folks who was living there just moved out recently, so I'm just gonna move in there for a while as I'm saving up to buy a place. She's very excited about the whole prospect; I see visions of unrequited domesticity dancing in her head, but I just don't know how I'm gonna cope with having a roommate again...I've lived alone for so many years now. It'll probably be good for me...like all the changes I try to avoid.

Otherwise...nothing much else is new. Thanks for all you guys checkin' in on me the last few days; it's helped, really. The next week or two should be pretty interesting...

2006-03-21T02:20:00.000-06:00

Havin' trouble writin' much of anything...anywhere...to anybody.

Turns out...

2006-03-17T00:08:00.000-06:00

It was short. It was another "I'm sorry" from her, for stirring things up again. She thinks I'm mad at her, I'm sure. I guess I don't have the market cornered on guilt, after all...

No response from me.

But I have to come clean & admit that my lack of response to her isn't so much me wanting to cut it off, as much as just not being able to find the words. And there's a little part of me, that I won't admit anywhere but here, that probably wants to make her sweat a little bit & see what happens...and that makes me feel even guiltier, 'cus I know I've already done my share of making her sweat in the past.

And there are so, so many other things that I need to have my mind on right now...so many. Anyway, go on about your business....

Again

2006-03-16T18:00:00.000-06:00

There's a message from her in my inbox...and I can't quite work up the nerve to open it. So, I figure if I'm gonna be in suspense, everyone else has to be, too...

Nowhere Fast

2006-03-15T12:54:00.000-06:00

Well, things have been quiet. I haven't written her back or tried to contact her since her last letter on Saturday...and I'm pretty sure that, since she hasn't heard from me by now, she thinks I'm mad at her again...which, I'm not. I know that what everyone's been saying - that she was trying to test the waters & make sure her safety net was still there - is at least partially true, but I don't believe that she did it in a selfish or thoughtless way (well, maybe slightly thoughtless, but sincere, nevertheless). She doesn't have a selfish bone in her body that I know of, and I know she probably feels as bad as I do right now. But that still doesn't exactly do me a lot of good...

Elaine & I patched things up. I can't blame her at all for getting mad at me; if I were her, I'd be so sick of hearing about it that I could spit. She's right, tho...and so is everyone else; I need to just let it go. Some of the things you guys have written in the last couple of days have illustrated that for me pretty well, too. So, yes...I hear you, everybody. And I appreciate...more than I can tell you. I just wish I was better at actually listening; as my old 7th-grade teacher said: "You hear...but you don't listen!".

Somebody said before (and not for the first time) that it seems like I'm addicted to the strife & struggle of it all; that somewhere deep down, it's been ingrained in me that love is supposed to be hard, and difficult, and dramatic, and stressful, and always just out of my reach. That I'm used to pining from afar; whether about her, or Kara, or whoever (actually, though, those two are the only ones who really fit into that hypothesis). There is some truth to that...maybe more than I realize.

And they might have also been right when they said that might have been the reason that I broke up with Roxanne in the past....because it was all laid out for me on a silver platter. If I had made that commitment, I wouldn't be able to wish upon a star anymore; there's be nothing left to pine for. I'm sure there's some truth there, too...and it's as good an excuse for what I did as any I've been able to come up with (mostly). I don't think that's the whole of it, but it's certainly not totally off the mark.

Somehow, even though I'm just as much to blame, I'd really like to be able to say this is all Kara's fault...but it isn't.

The truth is, I still don't really know why I left Roxanne when I did. I've realized a few things while writing this project that have helped me understand it, but if she were to ask me again tomorrow why I did it, I still wouldn't be able to explain it in any way that would satisfy her. The best way I can explain it now is that, at the time, there were things going on in my life, with my health & with other factors, that I simply couldn't bring myself to drag her down into, no matter how willingly I know she would have gone. But I'm aware of how weak that sounds, and I don't expect her or anyone to accept that as an excuse at face value.

Those factors eventually faded, though, and my health recovered. It took my head a while to catch up, but by the time it had, it was too late. And ever since then, I've been adrift in this ocean of emotion, with her as my island off in the distance. And I had swam out way too far to make it back in time...

Since then, I've done all the things that one is supposed to do to get over someone. I've dated other women (not for a while now, but for a good while afterwards), I've tried to dive headfirst into concentrating on my job, I've kept my health up (for the most part), I've made up for lost time with my friends & family, I've apologized to her & tried to make amends...and yet, here I still am. I just can't seem to find that damn 'off' switch.

I was doing pretty well for the last few months. After the last round of this game in October, I had made a conscious decision to move on with my life & just let Roxanne move on with hers. I was tired of trying to make up for the past, and I decided to just let us both try to live our own lives...and I had done pretty damn well, I thought. Many of you guys here on the Project had commented on how much less wallowing I'd been doing, and even Kristin had patted me on the back for it recently...and those pats don't come lightly.

And then, the letter came last week, and it was like I instantly hopped into a DeLorean, gunned it to 88 MPH & went right back to the past. And, since then, I haven't been able to hardly think about anything else. Maybe it was some kind of cosmic test, where just as I was starting to get over her (sorta), she reaches out to me more than she has in years. If it was a test, I failed it miserably.

So, at this point, I guess I need to just face the fact that positive thinking is just not gonna be enough. I'm simply not going to get over this, not without either some kind of concrete closure & resolution, or years of therapy. And I can't afford the therapy. But I can't keep feeling this way, either.

As long as she's over there & I'm over here, it's going to go on, and on, and on, with no end in sight; and if I don't perpetuate it, then she will by writing me again the next time she misses me, whether she means to or not. I think that by now, it's the only dance both of us know anymore. So, the only thing I know to do, aside from trying one of those wacky stunts they do in the movies or joining the peace corps, is...well, hell...I dunno. I'm fresh out of ideas.

And apparently I'm fresh out of sense, 'cus I'm pretty sure I stopped making any a while back.

You guys see why my friends are so frustrated now?

Same Ol' Situation...

2006-03-13T15:10:00.000-06:00

Alright, I guess I should elaborate.

She didn't exactly say 'no'...it was more complicated than that (shocking,I know). I mean, it wasn't really a yes or no question. She didn't say that she didn't love me, or that she didn't want to be with me...quite the opposite. In fact, she admitted more feelings for me & talked about the what-if of us getting back together with a much more open mind than she has in entire the four years since we broke up. Hell, the fact that she just didn't dismiss it all outright speaks volumes itself...

Basically, she said that yes, she does still hold those feelings for me, and she should have known how her letter would make me feel, but for some reason, she just wanted to tell me. She said that, no, she's not very happy with her life right now, and she feels like she's at a crossroads & she doesn't know what to do about it, but she didn't mean to hurt my feelings or to push us back onto the rollercoaster again, she's just going through a rough time. But, she also said, as rough as this time may be, she's still in a committed relationship at the moment, and she knows she should have thought better about expressing all this to me while nothing can be done about it.

She said that, yes, she did wonder about what kind of connection we'd still have after all that's happened to us & all we've grown, but that she couldn't be certain that, even if her life blew up in her face right now, if we would be able to pick up the pieces & try again...she would still be very cautious for a long time.

And she said she wants me to be happy, and she'll always love me, and she's sorry for stirring up the hornets nest between us again, and she'll try her best not to do it again.

Before I got her response, Jerry said that he'd bet everything he owns that nothing at all would really change as a result of any of this; he said she would say just the right thing to keep me at arms length, and yet still reach out to me enough to keep me hanging as long as she wanted me to. Now, Jerry is an extremely cynical guy, and I scoffed at him when he said this, if only for the reason that he made it sound like some Machivellian plan by her...but, in the end, whether it was intentional or not, that's basically what she did.

Then, the next day, I got another letter from her...saying that she was sorry again, and felt terrible about everything, and that she was trying to figure things out in her head, and that she doesn't want me to feel like I'm still having to pay for the sins of my past, and that she knows she was wrong for poking my heart with a stick to see if it was still beating (my words, not hers) and that she was confused about her life & her future, and for me to pray for her, in whatever way I pray.

So...she didn't exactly say 'no'...and, in many ways, she's still reaching out to me more than she ever has since this all happened....but she certainly didn't say 'yes', either. And, just like Jerry said, we're pretty much right back where we were before; no closure, no resolved feelings, no peace of mind, and no each other.

And again...I just don't know what to do. Everybody in the world that I know is just sick to death of it all (and I can't really say that I blame 'em), and they all tell me, more than ever, to just let it go. Most of them tell me very loudly. And, I know they're right...mostly.

And then, there's this part of me...which may be just completely deluded, insane, and psychotic...that tells me to do just the opposite. It's impossible for me to tell at this point whether I'm just reading something into it all or not, but I swear to god, somewhere in between the lines of the correspondence we've been having, I keep hearing her say "Rescue me, please! You say you love me, well here's your chance to prove it!". I don't know it it's really there or if I just want it to be there...but I swear that's the feeling I get.

But, at this point, I can't trust my instincts when it comes to her..I've pored over every word we've written to each other in the last 2 years so much than I feel like a Madonna trying to find hidden meaning in the Kaballah, and I'm starting to give about as much creedence to the things I find.

And everyone is right...I know they are. Elaine & I got into a huge fight last night, basically because she's sick & tired of seeing me feeling down about this, and using it as an excuse for staying stuck in the past, and not moving that part of my life forward. And she's right; I've missed out on a lot of things by choosing to keep myself chained up, paying penance for my past, and I've probably just gotten used to it now...I know I have. I used to say that I made my bed & now I have to lie in it, but I never expected it to get this comfortable...

Just like she said when she screamed at me on the way out last night; somewhere, somehow, something has got to give....

Well...

2006-03-11T22:58:00.000-06:00

She said no.

Lay it on the Line...

2006-03-09T00:05:00.000-06:00

As you can imagine, knowing me, I stayed awake tossing & turning most of the night last night to try & decide how to handle this. I've recieved advice from all sides, and I've actually even listened to some of it...sorta. I've spent at least half my day staring at a blank e-mail form, trying to get the words to come out...until, about 2 hours ago, they finally did.

And, I pretty much laid it all on the line.

I told her that, however nice it was to hear from her, the things she said & the feelings she expressed confused the hell out of me, and I didn't know why she would say them unless she wanted me to react somehow...but, how can I react with her in the situation she's in?

I told her that she knew how I felt about her, and that I knew the worst mistake of my life was letting her go, and that I've paid for it every single day since, but if she ever saw fit to trust me & give me another chance, then I would never let her down again. She has no good reason to have any faith in me, but I asked her if she did anyway.

And, finally, I told her that if she was really happy with the life she has, and that was what she really wanted, then she should just do it, and let all these feelings about me go....but, if she wasn't happy, then she had better figure out what she wants, because if I'm not going to be a part of her life, then I at least have to get on with mine. I can't spend another 17 years doing this same dance, and I can't keep waiting around to chase any bone that she tosses me until I'm worn out from all the running. If she isn't willing to act on her feelings, then I told her she has to at least stop telling me about them...

Oh yeah, and I told her I loved her...but she already knew that.

I pored over it, edited it, sought advice on it, and finally, sent it....to my drafts folder, anyway. I figure I'll sleep on it & read it again in the morning before I actually send it to her. There have been plenty of times I'd wish I had done that, and I don't want this to end up being one of 'em. But I AM gonna send it......I think.

And I have no idea at all what to expect. I certainly don't expect a miracle; that she'll just up & leave her lover & run back into my arms, but all this has been a long time coming, and everyone is right...here and in my real life; something, somewhere, has got to give.

And I dunno what else to say...I'm all worded out today. I'm just gonna sleep on it...

Living Proof...

2006-03-07T18:45:00.000-06:00

Ya know, things in the living-in-the-past department have been pretty quit lately, if you haven't noticed. If anything, I've almost been avoiding writing about my ex's rather than wallowing in it like I usually do...and it's probably because I've just been thinking about it less lately. Some of that is due to circumstance, because of all the stuff that's been going on lately, but some of it is due to me actually feeling better about all of it; whether through writing it down or whatever.

Whatever the case, I haven't been arguing with it; in my quieter moments, I've almost thought I might actually be at peace with (some of) it...to a point.

Then yesterday, I got a letter from Roxanne...

We haven't really spoken since back in October; a lot of things had been happening in her life around then, and lets just say that I felt like I should make myself scarce from her for a while, for a number of reasons...not the least of which was for me to actually try and move past it, at least a little bit. So, for almost 5 months now, I haven't e-mailed her, haven't gone to see any of her plays, haven't heard from her at all, except for a short e-mail she sent me telling me she was sorry that my grandpa had died.

Then, yesterday, her brother Jerry called me & said that Roxanne had asked if I was mad at her for some reason. Apparently, she had written me an e-mail a few days ago, and since I have a whole separate e-mail account that I basically just use to talk to her so her significant other (and I use that term loosely) won't see, and since I haven't been talking to her much lately & had almost gotten out of the habit of checking it every day, I hadn't seen it.

So, I went to check my e-mail, and there were three messages from her. The first one basically just said hello, how are you doing, and that she ran into a mutual friend that day who said to tell me hi, and she made a joke about this girl maybe having a crush on me (the girl in question is actually the daughter of a good producer friend of mine...who's about 15 years too young for me, I might add; they work in the same theatre circles). Then, she sent one a couple of days later saying that she hadn't heard back from me, and if she had said or done anything to offend me, she didn't know what it was, but she was sorry. Then, the last one, sent yesterday, said basically 'well, I guess you are upset with me, I was just kidding about whatsername, hope you aren't avoiding me & hope you're doing well'.

So, I started to write her back, and tell her all that it was just a simple misunderstanding, and that I just hadn't gotten the messages. But, that's not exactly how it turned out. Instead, I do what I almost always do when I'm writing her...I said way too much. All these feelings just came pouring out as I was sitting there writing, and I ended up telling her that yes, I had been making myself scarce, but it was only because it still hurt too much to talk to her & to see her, and that I was just trying to get on with my life, with varying degrees of success. And that I was sorry I hadn't come to see her plays, but it was really difficult for me to see her on stage, and that I missed her, and of course I still thought about her, but it just hadn't seemed to be doing me much good lately.

And I regretted it almost as soon as I'd sent it. I figured the same thing would happen that usually happens when we've been communicating well for a while & then I throw in the deep thoughts out of the blue; I figured she'd freak out & I wouldn't hear back from her again for a while...or if I did, it would just be 'hi' & 'bye'. I knew she was online when I sent my response to her, because I could see her online thru Yahoo, but I never heard back from her last night...

Then, today, I did. And she said...some stuff.

I really don't know what to make of it all, but I know it's got me all tied up in knots trying to figure it out. Basically, she said that the reason she mentioned running into that friend of ours was that, while they were talking, the other girl mentioned that I had been over to her house for dinner & such a lot recently (too see her dad, on business), and Roxanne said that, when she heard that, something came over her that...well, here's her words: "it smelled like jealousy to me and I didn't expect that from myself...I suddenly got very territorial". She said she wanted to yell at this girl & tell her 'look little girl, dont you know that i know him better than you ever will?', but she didn't. Then she said that she didn't know why that brought such a strong reaction out of her, but it did...and that it 'must be all those feelings i will always carry in my heart about you'.

She closed it by saying that she was sorry that circumstances make it so difficult for us to talk to each other; that sometimes she wants to communicate with me more than she lets herself, but thanks for bearing with her.

And maybe it doesn't sound like that big a deal from me just telling you about it, but since Roxanne & I broke up, every time we talk to each other, we both have to walk on eggshells. She's always very careful about what she says to me, and I to her; both of us know the other one still has feelings for the other, and because of that, we (she especially) both think very carefully about what we write & say to one another. In other words, she doesn't share her personal life with me much at all anymore...because she knows I don't want to hear it any more than she wants to hear about mine. And no, that doesn't leave us much to talk about anymore.

My point is that, she knows me as well as I know her, and she knows that, nowadays, talk between us about the feelings we have/had for each other is not a light & breezy subject to be tossed around the dinner table...if anything of that nature is mentioned, there's a reason for it...and usually, the reason it gets mentioned is because of me pining over her. The only time since we've broken up that she has opened up and admitted any feelings for me at all, one way or another, was about a year & a half ago, during a brief period of time when her relationship was on the rocks & we were talking, and it looked....almost...like we might be able to reconcile again. Then, things smoothed themselves out somehow & we were back to the status quo of being all but strangers again.

So, the very fact that she said any of those things that she said to me in her letter means that, for one reason or another, she wanted me to hear them. Like I said, she would never talk about any of that stuff casually. She chose her words carefully, and she's definitely trying to elicit some kind of response from me....I just don't know what kind.

I've let both Lanie & Kristin & another female friend read the letter (or, most of it, anyway), and all of them say the same thing; they think she's reaching out & trying to tell me...something. That she misses me, she's been thinking about me....I dunno, but something. And, looking at it as objectively as I can, I guess I have to agree; I know her, and if she knows anything about me, then she would know better than to toss me a bone that she didn't want me to chase.

So, the question is...what the hell do I do about it? Do I do what Kristin says, and just ignore it, send a polite response, and keep on trying to forget about it? Or do I do what just about everyone else says, which is to call her out on it, and actually try to hash out these feelings we both obviously harbor once & for all? Do I say it's put up or shut up time...put your money where your mouth is...shit or get off the pot...love me or love me not? And if so, how the hell do I go about doing that?

The last time I layed the whole Roxanne scenario out here for all to see, I got a ton of responses telling me to just call her up once & for all, tell her I'm sorry, and pledge my undying love for all eternity. As appealing as all that sounds, the prospect of it is simply terrifying. After all, she does live with someone...and has for a few years. True, it's just a rebound relationship turned long-term due to circumstance, but she's in it nonetheless. And that, more than anything has made it hard for us to talk to each other the past few years. Mainly because....well, ok, I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag...mainly because her girlfriend doesn't like for her to so much as talk to me. Yes, you read that right...

*sigh*

So, now maybe you see why all this is even more awkward than normal.

The thing is, the whole girl scenario has never really bothered me...and I don't really know why. If it was a guy she was dating instead of me, well, let's just say it would be a lot different....I most certainly would have written it off long ago. Somehow, though, the fact that she's with a girl is a lot less threatening to me; maybe because I don't feel like I'm in any kind of competition like I would with a guy. And yes, I know what you're thinking, because I've heard it from everybody else I know, but I just don't buy it; she fell into the relationship with this girl not too long after we broke up, and has been with her ever since.

Roxanne is a theatre actress, and her worldview has always been more...open than mine, but regardless of what she might be doing with her life right now, I know one thing for a fact: I've known that girl for 17 years, and there is no way in hell you're going to be able to convince me that she will ever be truly happy with anything but a husband, a couple of kids, and a nice little house in the suburbs. I make no assumptions about why she's chosen to do some of the things she has since we've been apart (ok, maybe I do make assumptions, but they're far too presumptuous to repeat here), but I do know that this is not the life that she wants for the rest of her days...and everyone else who knows her thinks the same thing.

I also know one other thing: if this girl that she's dating were a guy....Roxanne would never, ever, under any circumstances, even give them the time of day. She's a loudmouth, ignorant, drunk, redneck moron, and she's certainly not right for Roxanne. She was just in the right place at the right time.

But, yeah...my ex-girlfriend has a girlfriend. For now, anyway...

So where the hell do I go from here, then? It's not like I can just stand on her lawn & play Peter Gabriel outside her window...the boyfriend one would shoot me. I can't just call her up & talk to her...I wouldn't even be able to get a single word out; I don't think we've talked on the phone in about 4 years. I have to write her something...but what the hell am I gonna write? Jesus H. Christ, how fucking long am I gonna ramble about it in this post is the real question...

I 'm just gonna shut up now, since I've lost any train of thought I might've had.

I could use a drink, tho...

I'm Only Human...

2006-03-06T12:57:00.000-06:00

It was about eight o'clock that night, and Jenna called me from a restaurant nearby where she was out with some friends. She asked if she could come over for a while, and I made sure nobody was spying on the house before I said yes.

She showed up about a half-hour later, wearing a black dress & looking like she'd just stepped out of a salsa video. She had been at some semi-formal function for her school, and had downed a couple of drinks or five, as well. Before either of us said a word, I had a vision of Jesus being tempted by Satan in the desert, and I envied him, 'cus surely the devil never looked like this...

We gave each other a hug, and instead of breaking away from me after, she looked up at me for a minute & said "So, where were we before?" with a huge smile on her face. I was soon gonna be in big trouble.

"Well, we were at a kind of awkward pause...sort of like now", I said. I'm pretty sure my voice cracked a little, like Bobby Brady. My subconscious mind went into a defensive mantra: must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Did I freak you out?", she said, raising her eyebrows at me.

"What do you think?", I asked her.

"I think I did...I just don't know if that's good or bad". She smiled again.

"Well, Jenna, you come to me out of the blue & tell me that you think you might have...feelings for me all of a sudden, and..."

"Not all of a sudden...", she interrupted. "You know we've always had some kind of connection between us, EXBF (she liked to call me by both my first & last names, a habit she picked up from Alan), there was just..."

"Circumstances?", I finished her thought.

"Yeah...those", she said, smiling again. She reached her arms up & clasped them behind my neck.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Well, there kind of still are, Jenna...", I said soberly...and somberly.

"Yeah...I know. I know how you boys are. But everyone knows how close we are, anyway...even he couldn't be all that shocked about it.", she said.

"Well...he was pretty shocked...", I sighed.

Jenna's eyes got wide. "You talked to him?", she said.

"Well, you knew I would, Jenna...you knew Pete would, if nothing else."

She just nodded, then asked me "Well, what did he say?"

"Well, you know Alan, he kind of took it in stride, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't freak out & be crushed if it were to actually happen.", I told her. She looked down for a moment before answering me.

"Do you think that's what would happen?", she asked me, knowing full well that answer, but still giving me the big puppy-dog eyes.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"I don't know...", I sighed, "but we can't find out, Jenna....as much as I would love to." There, I'd said it. Put my foot down. Stand fast, young man...

She didn't say anything for a minute; she bit her lip in a way that reminded me of someone, and finally looked up at me & spoke.

"You know, these 'rules' you guys have...did you ever think they might end up getting in the way of something really good one day?", she said to me. The thought struck me pretty deep, especially as I had always been the biggest supporter of 'the rules' in the past. Jenna was a smart girl.

"Not until now...", I said with a sigh.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"I love that you guys are so loyal to one another...I just...", she hesitated.

"Just what?", I asked.

"I just wish we had met each other first.", she said.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"I know...", I said when I could speak again, "...so do I. but, we didn't."

"No....but we're here now...and..." she trailed off again.

"And what?"

"And I understand, and I knew all this before I said anything, I guess, but...it just seems like such a shame to let this chance go by.", she said, looking right into my eyes.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Look, I'm not stupid, X; I know this would cause too many hurt feelings, and I knew nothing could come of it right now...but I just wanted to know..."

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Know what...?"

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Just...what it might feel like...", the corners of her mouth turned up just the slightest bit, as she raised her eyebrows at me.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...must not........

oh, hell with it....

I kissed her.

(There, I said it...I'm not a saint...what do you want from me? And bygod, this better remain anonymous now, 'cus I've never told anybody that before in my life...as far as I know, she & I are still the only ones who know about it. I kissed Jenna...I confess it all. Alan, if you ever show up here, sorry, man...but you of all people know what I was up against. Funny, I thought I was supposed to feel better after going to confession? Lousy Catholic guilt...)

I kissed her, and it was just as amazing as I had feared. It was like she melted right into me. Even as it started, I remember thinking to myself it's a momentary lapse...it's forgivable...just do it & get it over with so it's out of your systems....nobody needs to get their britches in a wad about it...just do it once & let it be...

I remember somehow she smelled like strawberries, and her nails dug softly into my shoulders as I ran my fingers through her hair. Pretty soon, my thoughts turned into something more like okay, that's it...you did it...you got it over with....you can pull away any second now. Yessirree....any second now....that's good....you can do it...it won't be so hard....just close your lips & pull away...you can do it....oh whatareyoudoing COME ON JUST FUCKING STOP ALREADY!

And, somewhere else, in the back of my mind, I was still expecting Pete to burst in with a fire hose & spray us down to separate us like two fighting cats. I might have almost been hoping for it.

But Pete never came...

Pretty soon, we were on the bed, rolling around like circus tumblers. I had ripped off the knob to my inner-thought transmitter & thrown it across the room. We made out like high schoolers under the bleachers for what seemed like five years. I don't really have a memory of the event itself...only that it happened; the actions are all kind of a blur, as they probably were that night. All I remember is that we weren't rolling around like animals so much because we were horny for each other, but because we wanted to just...feel each other; see what it was like to the that close to each other...to see what the other tasted like. It wasn't lust as much as....dare I say, passion? No, I don't dare...let's just say it was freakin' hot.

But, as enthralled as we both were, there was still a tension there that we couldn't break, and I remember reaching down to bite her gently on the neck, and hearing her let out this little squeal that she made....and when I heard that, I froze in my tracks.

I had heard that sound before...more than once...when she had been fooling around with Alan. And, for some reason, the sound of it just snapped my out of whatever trance I had been in, and shoved me headfirst right back into reality. I felt, all of a sudden, like I was doing something wrong (ok, not all of a sudden; I was fully aware I was doing something wrong all along, but this just really served as an audible cue), and I stopped.

Jenna looked over at me, and we didn't say a word. We both knew that it couldn't happen...not then, anyway. We both sighed imperceptibly, and after a moment or two, she scooted over & rested her head on my chest. I put my arm around her & we just laid there for a while, not saying anything. I don't know what she was thinking, but I was just enjoying feeling her next to me for a little while longer, because I knew I might never feel it again. I'd deal with the guilt later...as I always do.

After a while, Jenna had to leave to go back home, and we got up & got her things together, still saying barely a word to each other. It wasn't awkward at all, and we didn't act like we felt guilty or anything, there was just a quiet understanding between us...and probably more than a little disappointment, as well. Not disappointment in ourselves for what we'd done, but at the powers that be, for having it happen under these circumstances.

As she started to leave, she turned & hugged me, and afterwards, we just looked at each other & smiled for a minute. She reached up and kissed me once on the lips, and said goodbye. She would be going away back to school in a day or two, and I knew we wouldn't see each other again for a while. I also knew that Jenna wouldn't be single for long, and the next time I saw her, she was just as likely to have a ring on her finger as not...she was a catch.

I didn't worry about any of that yet, though..nor did I worry about Alan. Nothing had really happened, I rationalized, and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him (and, thank god, it still hasn't). I did feel bad for breaking my own 'rule', but I also knew that it would have been hard for any man not to, under those circumstances, and at least I had tried to do the right thing...again.

I did wonder, though...about all the things Jenna had said. What if?

What if, indeed...

It's not what it looks like...

2006-03-02T00:59:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I wasn't really busted, seeing as how Jenna & I hadn't actually done anything yet.

Still, Pete knew damn well that something was up...which it was. And we knew that he knew. And he knew that we knew that he knew...and we knew what that meant; pretty soon, Alan was gonna know. I remembered wrestling in my head with whether to tell him the truth or try to cover it up, and I remember thinking that, as much as I didn't want to lie to him, it wouldn't exactly be fair for me to volunteer Jenna to come clean, and I also knew that, if there was any one of my friends that I could possibly fast talk my way out of this with, it was Pete; not that he isn't smart, but he just isn't all that...worldy in some ways.

So, since we weren't exactly in a compromising position per se (it was more just her being there, sitting next to me all cozy under the circumstances that was compromising), somehow, I was able to play it off & at least convince him that we hadn't done anything...even though it was quite obvious that we were about to do something or the other. He just kind of gave me the eye & asked us what was up, to which we answered that we had just been talking, which, technically, we had.

He didn't press it any further than that, but he did make sure to hang around until Jenna left, so as not to leave us alone again. And let me take this opportunity now to tell you a little something about Pete; sure, it sounds like he's being the good, protective friend looking out for everyone's feelings...and he was, in this case, anyway...but Pete, aside from being the master of the bad timing, is also the master of the cock-block, or interference, as it's referred to in hockey. You see, Pete, bless his heart, is sort of notorious for being unlucky with women (like I'm not?), and maybe because of this, whether he realizes it or not, he tends to find creative ways of, well, stopping you from getting any action if he's around. This time, it was warranted, I suppose, and it's not exactly like I could pull a Tony Banks on him...

So, after an hour or so of small talk, Jenna had to leave, and we exchanged a little 'to be continued' look as she walked out the door. Pete asked me right away what had been going on, and I told him the same thing I told him before; we had been talking. I remember all he said was "mmm-hmmm", and that's all he really had to say; we both knew what would happen from here: drama.

I still didn't know whether I would have actually done anything that night or not, but I knew that just being that close to Jenna for five minutes had made my chest feel all funny. I also knew that Pete was going to call Alan & tell him what he had seen as soon as he got home, and I didn't have the slightest idea of what Alan would do.

Alan isn't exactly the most...emotional person in the world, you see. I mean, he has them, he just has this amazing way of keeping them completely in check under the surface...and they never seem to boil over & spill out, either. It's actually pretty amazing, and I've often wanted to trade places with him at times & see what it felt like to have things roll off my back while he wears all his emotions on his sleeve for everyone to see. So, I wasn't sure how upset he would be; whether he would be mad, or hurt, or some combination of both. I mean, sure, they were broken up & he was dating again & had been for a while...but that wouldn't make me feel one damn bit better if it had been he & Kara in the same situation. Regardless, I knew I wouldn't have to wait long to find out.

But, I didn't.

He called the next morning, and when I answered the phone, he just said "Man? What's going on?"

"Nothing, man...nothing happened, I promise.", I said.

"Well...what's going on, though?"

"I don't know, man...she came over, we got to talking, and..." I hesitated.

"...and?", he asked.

"...and she said she was in love with me." I braced myself.

"She said...what?" He didn't yell....I don't think he thought he'd heard me right.

"Well, she didn't say she was..she said she thought she might be.", I tried to pour some sugar on it, in the name of love.

"So...is that better?" He asked with a laugh, which made me feel better...somewhat.

"I don't know, man...I don't know what's goin' on. Pete walked in just as it was all goin' down."

"Well....well, shit, man!" He wasn't mad...he was surprised like I was, but he wasn't mad. He trusted me, and I remembered thinking that I might not deserve it, with some of the thoughts that had gone through my head.

"I know, man...I don't know where it came from, either. I mean, Jenna & I were always close, even when you guys were together..."

"I know, man...it's not that I'm all that shocked, I'm just....shocked, ya' know?", he said.

"I know, man...me too." So we were gonna discuss this like rational adults, after all. or, at least, as close as we could get...

"So, have you heard from her since?", he asked.

"Nope, not yet."

"Well, what are you gonna do, man?", he asked.

I sighed.

"Well...what do you want me to do, man?", I asked him while crossing my fingers.

"Well...I don't really want you to do anything, man.", he laughed nervously. "I mean, would you want me to?"

"No...no, I wouldn't, man." We were on the same page there, at least. I figured it was safe to make a joke about it. "Is there some kind of statute of limitations we're working with here, though, man?"

He laughed. "Well, if there is, it probably isn't gonna expire anytime soon, man".

What could I say? I mean, I, of all people, should understand what it was like to be on the other end of this fence. The first several years of my dating life pretty much consisted entirely of girls messing around with my friends behind my back, and I had based the whole of my moral code around not becoming that guy. I knew my hands were tied...but, jesus, I was just so damn attracted to Jenna...in just about every way.

Alan & I got off the phone with the implicit understanding that 'the rule' had indeed been invoked, and was indeed in effect. I knew that I had to abide by it if I ever wanted to be able to live with myself...but I didn't know what the hell I was gonna do the next time I saw Jenna.

Which, of course, turned out to be that very night...

Out of the Woods

2006-02-28T14:06:00.000-06:00

Well, it looks like she's gonna be ok. She still can't go home yet, and she's pretty frustrated about that (I'd hate to be one of her nurses today), but she's in good spirits otherwise & they say she should be fine....so, thank goodness.

Me...I'm sick of hospitals more than ever, my car won't start today for some reason, I'm like a week behind on everything else in my life, last night I ate some bad Mexican food that kept me up 'til almost 4, and now I'm almost out of cigarettes & have no way to get anywhere...otherwise, I'm fine, too.

Gonna get some stuff done & I'll post later tonight...

The Tired & the Sick...

2006-02-25T02:56:00.000-06:00

Well, there's still no good news. Yesterday, they thought that everything was going to be pretty simple & they were just going to keep her overnight, give her some medicine to help dissolve the clot, and send her home the next morning. So, last night, she was feeling a little down still, but everything looked promising, and she got to sleep somewhere around midnight, so I left her there with her mom & went home.

Sometime between Thursday night & Friday morning, something happened that made them decide they needed to take her back to surgery & insert some sort of filter into her leg to stop it from possibly reaching her lungs, and put her on a stronger medicine afterwards, that they would have to administer intravenously & monitor her in ICU while she's on it overnight.

So, the poor little thing was scared to death before she went in for her 'procedure', as they called it (I call it surgery; I don't care how simple they say it is, if they cut you open & stick something in or take something out, its goddamn surgery), but she made it through ok, although they said she'd still not 100% out of the woods yet, and may be in intensive care for a few days now. They wouldn't let anyone stay with her tonight in the ICU, but her mom said she was just going to stick around the hospital anyway. I tried to get her to go back & sleep at my place & I would stay there with her, but she wouldn't do it, so she's been there for almost 48 hours straight, without so much as a change of clothes.

Alan came back into town today, also (he moved away to start his new job & new life under his mother-in-law's regime last week), and he & his wife went for their ultrasound. Turns out they're having a girl...which just fits with the way his life has been going lately. I mean, yeah, I'm happy for them, but like I said before, that kid's gonna need all the help I can give it to be normal, and being a girl isn;t gonna make my job any easier...although we do have a seriously kick-ass name picked out for her; think superhero's girlfriends...

And I'm tired, I'm worried, and now I feel bad that I didn't stay with Lanie last night when I had the chance. And yes, I know she'll probably be ok, but it's just the thought of her, the one who constantly excercises, eats healthy, teaches yoga, and whips my ass into shape whenever she can, being the one lying over there in that hospital bed, when I'm sitting here smoking like a chimney & eating french fries at 3 in the morning...although the irony of it did make her laugh tonight, at least. I'd trade places with her in a second if I could, though. They gave her the Dr. Feelgood shot before I left, so I'm sure she's drugged up & sleeping sound, but I'll probably still worry. And should I feel bad for thinking that her nurse was cute, and for looking to see if she had a ring on? 'Cus I did...

And in response to Moon Watcher's comment, no, I don't think this will awaken some long-dormant feelings we have for each other or anything, but I don't think I could love her any more if it did, and I couldn't be any more worried about her than I already am. As I've said before, it's by far the most successful relationship I've ever had with a female, and the only thing that could kill that faster than her dying would be us getting together. Besides, we tried that already, briefly, when we first met, and had we dated for any longer than we did, I guarantee you she would be long gone from my life by now...and I would've had to set aside another color for her when I'm running low as it is....

I dunno; I just thought I was finally done with hospitals & people I love being sick for a while. I'm gonna try to pass out now; we'll see how it goes...

Viscious Cycles

2006-02-23T17:02:00.000-06:00

Ya, I know, I haven't meant to leave things hanging so long, but one thing just follows another; my friend Elaine has been in the hospital the past couple of days, and today, they just found what was wrong with her. It seems she has a blood clot in her leg, and...I'm more than a little freaked out about it. Yes, they caught it early, and she's fit & healthy otherwise, but she's like a sister to me, only closer, and I'm worried about her somthin' awful. I know I probably don't talk about her much, as she's not technically an ex & didn't enter the picture 'til a few years ago, but she's my other best friend in the world, and I don't know what in the world I would do if anything happened to her...

They're moving her to another room tonight & running some tests to prep for...whatever it is they have to do, and I just came home from the studio & got the latest news, so I'm headed there right now. Just keep your fingers crossed for her...and for me. Be back as soon as I can...

Tempted by the Fruit of Another...

2006-02-19T02:06:00.000-06:00

So, as I said before, Jenna was Alan's ex-girlfriend. And not just his ex-girlfriend...she was the big one for him. She was his Kara & his Roxanne all rolled into one. They met about 2 years previous, when I had been dating Veronica again...in fact, they met right about the time I left off with my last proper post. And for a while, they were great together.

Jenna was an amazing girl; she came from a rich family (like all of Alan's girls always did...somehow), but she was as humble & unpretentious as can be. She was smart as a whip, had a personality that could charm a rabid pit bull, and was, without any exagerration at all, one of the absolute most beautiful girls you could ever hope to see. She was about 5'1, with long, curly hair, dark Latino features, and a smile that could blind Sammy Hagar. Oh yeah, she was also a swimsuit model on the side.

Everything was great in their relationship, until Alan did what he's best at; slipped one past the goalie. he got her pregnant about a year after they started dating, and, both of them being Catholics, this was something of a crisis.

Now, I should probably explain something about Alan; through no fault of his own, the boy is extremely fertile. He has managed to be responsible for 5 pregnancies; most while using some sort of protection. I know girls who won't even sit across the table from him at dinner for fear of getting knocked up. So, I guess the inevitable was bound to happen with Jenna eventually. But, when it did, it was ugly. Real, real ugly.

The poor girl flipped out, rightly so, and after much agonizing, she decided she had to get an abortion; she wasn't ready to bring a kid into the world, and she could not let her parents find out, no matte how much it would pain her. She & I had become close friends by that time, and she wanted me to be the one to take her to have the procedure done. I told her that I would be glad to, but I thought it was Alan's place to do it. She was still mad at him at the time, but eventually she relented & they went & had it done....and Jenna was never the same afterwards.

Their relationship now was built upon a lot of pent-up anger on her part, and they started to fight constantly, with her usually running to me to talk about it afterwards. Alan knew & encouraged this, as he knew I would have his back in any situation..which I did. Pretty soon, they reconciled & she offered to give him another chance, which wenty ok for a while.

Until she got pregnant again.

This time, she was inconsolable. She was more upset than I had ever imagined seeing her, and I felt so bad for her that it killed me to see her going through all that. Alan tried to be there for her as much as she would let him, but she could barely stand to see him at that point, and neither he or I could blame her. This time, I took her to get the procedure at first, and I held her for hours afterwards while she cried it all out.

I remember that was the first time that I wished I had met her before Alan had....

Sfter the second incident, she & Alan were all but over. They tried to get back together a few times, but it never took; the pain & resentment had built up too much, and things got very, very ugly between them on more than one occasion. Alan was devastated, because he really loved Jenna...and I was dissapointed,too, because I loved them both, and wanted them to be able to be together; I knew she was good for him. Hell, Jenna would have been good for anybody.

But, eventually, it ended. Not with a whimper, either, but a bang. Their breakup was almost as ugly as mine & Kara's had been, if not more so. Alan is a pretty resilient guy, and he keeps his feelings close to his vest, but Jenna was a wreck, and I was the shoulder she picked to cry on. So, the rest of that summer...the last summer before she went off to medical school, in fact...we became even closer. We spent a lot of time together, and we grew very used to each other. At first, she would hang out maily with me & our other friend Pete, but eventually it was just she & I most of the time, which was fine by me. She was Alan's ex, though, and we have a very clear set of rules about those situations, so I always kept my distance, difficult as it was to do so. And trust me, if you knew Jenna, you'd know it was pretty damn difficult.

Eventually, she left for med school in Chicago, and we only talked sporadically. Over this time, Veronica & I had broken up yet again (after she had freaked out one night, slapped me for no reason, and knocked all my computer equipment off my desk by slinging her bag around in a fit of rage), and Alan had met the girl he would eventually marry (although they started out as just friends...remind me to tell the story about how she & I ended up in bed together before she & Alan ever did). The holidays came around, and when Jenna came back into town on school break, she called me up & we started hanging out again.

We saw a few movies over the Christmas holidays, and talked a lot on the phone. She was still shaken over everything that had happened with Alan, and she hadn't dated anyone since...which for her must have meant carrying a can of mace & wearing a paper bag over her head 24/7. Many times, we talked about what might happen had things been different & she had met me first, but that pact with my friends was made under very serious circumstances, and that was how I took it...seriously. I never so much as made a move on her.

Then came December 24th; Christmas Eve eve (that's what my grandpa used to call it. He'd call me into the living room when I was a kid, and ask me "Lil' X, you know what t'day is? It's Christmas Eve eve!". Jenna called me up & came over becuase she said she had to see me. I figured it was to give me a Christmas present...which immediately panicked me, 'cus I hadn't gotten her a damn thing. Nevertheless, I told her to come on over; I knew Jenna wasn't like Kara, and I wouldn't be in danger of having anything thrown at my head just because I hadn't gotten her a present.

So, she showed up about nine that night. My roommate let her in & so I didn't see her until she opened the door to my bedroom where I was. She had on this silky black top, and a pair of skin-tight pants that I'm sure you girls have some common name for, but that I just refer to as totally hot. She also wasn't carrying a present that I could see.

We made some small talk for a minute or two, and then I asked her what she had wanted to see me about. I remember she looked down for a moment, grabbed my hand, and led me over to sit down on my bed. Then, she looked up at me with those, big, brown eyes, and simultaneously said both the best & worst thing I could have ever hoped to hear come out of those gorgeous lips.

She said "X...I think I'm in love with you".

Well, now....

I didn't know what to say. A lesser man, or at least a lesser one than I was at that moment, would have just kissed her right then & there...and my god, did I ever want to. but I couldn't....I could never break the pact like that...even for someone like Jenna. Even if others had broken it before...I knew I couldn't do it. or, I hoped I couldn't, anyway.

So, I just said "You are?".

"I don't know...", she said, "but I think I might be."

"Well, when did this happen?", I asked.

"I don't know...I've always felt close to you, you know that...but the last few weeks, I just feel....closer. Haven't you?", she looked up at me as she asked.

"Well, you know, wether I have or not....it's not exactly that simple.", I said. "You know that."

"I know...I know...you boys & your 'rules'.", she said solemnly.

"Those rules are what's kept us all friends this long...", I told her.

"Oh, no they're not...", I remember her saying, "they're just there to keep your ego's from getting hurt..."

"Maybe that's part of it, but you know it's more than that...you know what happened with me and...that girl" (I had an aversion to speaking her name out loud for many years; she was always "that girl").

"Well, what do you think he would say?", she asked. I started to speak, and she interrupted me with "No, you're right; I know what he'd say...I don't want to hurt his feelings any more than you do...or hurt you guys' relationship"

"Well, what do you want to do, then?", I asked her. I noticed about then that we were still holding hands, and she was rubbing mine with her finger, in a way that I really...liked.

"I don't know....but I wanted to tell you. I just wanted to see....how you felt about it.", she looked down at our hands, still entertwined. I remember she looked back up at me then, and I could smell the sweetness of her hair so close to me, and the way her eyes locked on mine, and I felt myself starting to lean closer to her, totally against my will, like she was some magnet drawing me toward magnetic north.

Catching myself, I hesitated for a minute, then opened my mouth to speak, but I never got the chance. Just then, like a hurricane, Pete, eternal master of the bad timing that he is, burst through the bedroom door & slid halfway in. Kramer could've learned a thing or two from him. He looked at us, sitting on the bed, holding hands, inches away from each other's face, and said "Ok....what's going on here?"

Busted.

...and back to the cliffhangers we go.

Another Day Older & Deeper in Debt....

2006-02-16T06:24:00.000-06:00

Well, we got through it ok. It looked like, for a minute there, that the family was going to keep up the peace after it was all done, but right after the funeral yesterday, they all split off into the opposing factions again & went their seperate ways. I'm sure my grandpa appreciated having to roll over in his grave just as he was getting comfortable in it...

Regardless, it went as nicely as it could go, and I think better days are in store for my mom & hopefully everyone else, as well. I'm just bone-tired from dealing with it all. We drove by my grandparents house where I grew up yesterday, and we didn't realize they had already started to tear it down...it was only sold a couple of weeks ago. Like my mom said...it truly is the end of an era.

And hopefully, the start of a new one...for me, anyway. We'll see what happens, I guess. Roxanne did write me to send me her condolances, and it was nice to hear from her...and even nicer not to freak out about it. Thanks so much to all of you who left comments & sent me e-mails wishing me & my family well...they helped get me through the day. And thanks for being patient with my posting; I'll have a real entry tomorrow night.

But probably not today...'cus it's my birthday today. I've now officially lived longer than Jesus did...but I'm still a good ways behind on the things-I've-accomplished list. I'm workin' on it, tho...

to me...

Peace

2006-02-12T13:46:00.000-06:00

My grandpa died today.

He had been fading for the past few days, and we knew he might not make it through the weekend, and he finally passed away at 9:47 this morning. He went quietly, with everyone he loved around him, and I'm glad he's finally at peace. My family was actually nice to each other, as well, so I guess there's hope for us all. We'll see...

He had a long, tough life, and he worked himself to the bone for everything he ever had, and I never heard him complain about anything once. He was the closest thing to a dad that I ever had, and I loved him dearly. I'm gonna miss him somethin' fierce, and I just hope that in the years I have left, I get to live half the life that he did. I'm fine, and I know he & everyone else will be better off now, but I might be gone for a day or two. Thanks to all you guys who sent your best wishes to him in the past...I'll tell you more about him one day.

The Chronological Project

2006-02-10T01:23:00.001-06:00

Ok, I've been meaning to do this for a while, but it took me a while to get it together. And, since I have a thousand things to do over the weekend that I've been procrastinating on, I figured this was as good a time as any to occupy the front page with it.

I've had dozens of comments in the past about how hard it is to try and go back & read The Project from the beginning, and it is a pain...I was going back through the other day, trying to find an old post, and it almost drove me up a wall.

So, what I've done is put the entire story (so far) in chronological order, omitting all the present-day ramblings & leaving just the timeline itself; if you wanna get the whole picture, you'll still have to go back through the archives. In other words, I've just made it that much easier to dwell on my past. And I just now realized it, but man...with all the words I've written on this stupid thing, I could've have started my own religion. Maybe I should; that's where the money is.

What's really funny is that you can track my listening habits over the last several months by reading the chapter titles. It makes for a fun trivia game, too...

Oh well...here ya go. I'll add to this post as The Project grows & keep it linked off to the side.

Chapter 1: Andi - Part One

Chapter 2: Andi - Part Two

Chapter 3: Gloria's Results of a Misspent Youth

Chapter 4: Enter Kara

Chapter 5: She Doesn't Look Druish?

Chapter 6: Wine, Women & Motorcycles

Chapter 7: Funeral for a Friend

Chapter 8: Triangle Man

Chapter 9: Mushrooms After Midnight

Chapter 10: Take Away this Ball & Chain

Chapter 11: Do the Right Thing

Chapter 12: Who the Hell did I Think I Was?

Chapter 13: Screw You Guys; I'm Goin' Home...

Chapter 14: Born to Run

Chapter 15: A Million Miles Away

Chapter 16: Don't Go Back to Rockville

Chapter 17: Mama, I'm Comin' Home

Chapter 18: Misplaced Childhood

Chapter 19: Clutching at Straws

Chapter 20: You Don't Have to Call Me Darlin', Darlin...

Chapter 21: Don't Give Me No Hand-Me-Down Love

Chapter 22: Don't Ask Me No Questions

Chapter 23: A Matter of Trust

Chapter 24: All She Wrote

Chapter 25: Wrong Way on a One-Way Track

Chapter 26: After the Fall

Chapter 27: Hard Luck Woman

Chapter 28: Standin' in that Doorway Like a Dream

Chapter 29: Time Wounds All Heels

Chapter 30: Blinded by the Light

Chapter 31: Cut Loose Like a Deuce

Chapter 32: The Future Ain't What it Used to Be

Chapter 33: Mona Lisa's & Mad Hatters

Chapter 34: Close, but not Touching

Chapter 35: Lost Boys & Golden Girls

Chapter 36: Reason to Believe

Chapter 37: Thought I'd Lost the Blues...Thought I'd Paid my Dues

Chapter 38: This Time, Darlin'

Chapter 39: Meanwhile, Back in 1993...

Chapter 40: Snowblind

Chapter 41: Magic & Loss

Chapter 42: Late of Conscience

Chapter 43: Alone Again in the Lap of Luxury

Chapter 44: Put the Load Right on Me

Chapter 45: Dishes are Done

Chapter 46: Out of the Frying Pan

Chapter 47: ...and Into the Fire

Chapter 48: Heat of the Moment

Chapter 49: Circling the Wagons

Chapter 50: Reasons

Chapter 51: Night Moves

Chapter 52: Sneakin' Sally Through the Alley

Chapter 53: Windows are for Cheaters, Chimneys for the Poor

Chapter 54: Ghosts of Ex's Past - Part One

Chapter 55: Thorn in my Pride

Chapter 56: Childlike Faith in Childhood's End

Chapter 57: The Last Waltz

Chapter 58: Send Me Dead Flowers

Chapter 59: Skating Away, on the Thin Ice of a New Day

I haven't revised this page in a while, so you'll have to just read on from there yourself...I'll do it soon, I promise!

Inked...

2006-02-09T12:09:00.000-06:00

While I was out of town, I got totally tagged by Rachel, over at Wicked Ink to fill out the following list...and now that I see it in print, "getting tagged by Rachel from Wicked Ink" sounds like I either got a new tattoo or scored with a chick from a bar band...neither of which happened. Still, took me a while to get to it, but here it is...

The Ex-Boyfriend's List of 8 "Perfect Partner" Requirements

1. She must at least be old enough to remember who shot J.R.

2. She must hold a position, one way or another, on the Van Halen/Van Hagar split.

3. She must know that Jethro Tull is not a person.

4. She must have owned Wonder Woman Underoos as a child (truthfully, owning any type of Superheroine costume at any age will suffice. Bonus points if she still has one that fits).

5. She must like Pina Coladas, gettin' caught in the rain, not be into yoga, and have half a brain. If it's 3 out of 4, lose the Coladas...

6. She must be faithful.

7. She must be self-confident & secure of who she is.

8. She must not bore easily...

2006-02-08T12:04:00.000-06:00

Which Superhero are You?

Alright; I got the idea from Frankie, but my results were far too cool to keep to myself...

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		75%
Green Lantern		70%
Hulk		60%
Superman		50%
Robin		45%
Wonder Woman		45%
Catwoman		45%
Batman		45%
Supergirl		40%
The Flash		40%
Iron Man		25%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Roxanne used to quote that "great responsibility" bit to me...but I didn't heed it, and it didn't do us any good. Oh well. I wonder what kind of criteria you have to fit to be The Hulk?

Which is the way back here....

2006-02-07T16:11:00.000-06:00

Well, what to write, what to write...

I don't really want to turn this into just a day-in-the-life type blog, so I'll refrain from telling you all about the trip & how stuff looks to be actually falling into place & how they treated me like some kinda big-shot for some reason & all that. Besides, if I talk to much about it, it may compromise my precious anonymity, as well...and we can't have that, can we?

But, I do know one thing: for whatever reason, at this moment, I'm okay enough with my past not to want to whine about it right now. Maybe this whole thing is actually working? Or maybe it's just that I don't want to spoil my good mood by having to dive back into the miasma of writing about Veronica, which is where I would be chronologically in the story right about now. Yes, I know I've said that's the stuff I probably really need to work out, but right now, I feel pretty worked, and don't feel like having that craziness back in my head.

So, what to do? I'm thinking I might do a Pulp Fiction kinda thing & maybe skip around the order of events a bit. Maybe I'll jump ahead a couple of years to J.C., seeing as how I'm dealing with tight-assed producers lately, and that reminds me of her, bless her. Actually, what I should do is finish the story about Jenna, that I started on Christmas & never went back to. She never really qualified for her own color, for a lot of reasons, but she was important, nonetheless. Yeah, maybe that's the ticket...

What do I want to write about, tho? I mean, I do want to write about all that stuff, but I also have a million other things flying through my head right now. Maybe I'll start another blog set in the present....but no, that would just be one more thing I had to keep up with, and it looks like I'll have plenty of those coming up.

That's another thing...with all the work I'm gonna have to be doing on this project, I'm not gonna be able to be as lazy anymore as I'm used to...and that sucks. I mean, I know it's all good, and it will be good for me, but still...I like routines, and I get used to 'em. In any case, I have my work cut out for me, and I can't screw this one up or let myself get complacent with it. Gotta make this happen...

So, yeah, I guess you can tell that my mind is all over the place....but hey...at least it's not stuck in the past! I'll try to ramble less next time...just gotta sit down & see what pours out, I guess. That's the way I do everything else, anyway....

Good to be home, tho ;)

Yo....

2006-02-06T23:56:00.000-06:00

I'm back...things went great...movie's on...blogger's been down...good mood...very tired...more to come...

Hotel Hobbies....

2006-02-03T00:00:00.000-06:00

I saw the beach today.

You have to understand something about mt & the beach; there's something about it that just puts my soul at ease, no matter what else is going on. It's been almost 3 years since I've so much as seen the beach, and this morning, walking along the sand with the sun rising behind my back, I swear I could see how someone could just drop out & become a beach bum forever. Just give me some shorts, some Jimmy Buffett, and a place to sit & watch the ocean, and I'm pretty sure I'd be content for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself I'll move to the beach one day...but then again, I keep telling myself a lot of things. Still...it did me more good than I can even begin to tell you.

There's also something to be said for living out of hotels while on the road; you can trash the place every morning & it's always clean when you get back, the towels are plentiful, the water pressure is good, and there's all the free ice you can carry. The free wireless internet is the real bonus, tho...

I've spent my fair share of time in more hotels across the world than I can count; some nice & so not so. One time, while I was on a job in Vegas a few years back, I ran afoul of the local Teamsters at the trade show we were working, and I was kicked out of the Las Vegas Convention Center & presumably banned from working in the facility for life. This happened about 3 days into a 3-week trip, so I just decided not to say anything & lie low in the hotel room that had already been booked for me for the next 3 weeks & see if I would still get paid. So, I spent those weeks laying by the pool during the day, and hanging out in the hotel's casino all night. I won about $300 and that, combined with my per diem, allowed me a nice little free vacation. I finally ran into another guy from our crew the day before we were supposed to leave, and he & everybody else had thought I had gotten on a plane home weeks ago. My crew took care of the job, my boss never ended up flying out to check on things, I still got my check & nobody was ever the wiser. That was good times...

Then there was the time I almost burned down a hotel in the south of France because I was trying to cook a pizza in the little built-in room oven, and I ouldn't make the conversions from fahrenheit to celcius, so the thing went up like a tinderbox, filling the room with so much smoke that the alarms went off & they evacuated the floor.

And of course, there was the hotel in Miami, where we stole a key to our bosses room, stole all the furniture & set it up in the continental breakfast room next door, along with his alarm clock & luggage. There was a running $100 bet that he was gonna fire us on the spot (which I could have cared less about at that point), but one of the guys (who was a lil' weasel that nobody got along with) chickened out & tried to move everything back without us knowing, and the hotel staff caught him dragging the TV stand down the hall & called the cops. Of course, we denied everything & they called the cops on him and tossed him ut of the place, where he had to sneak back in at night & bunk w' somebody else for the remainder of the trip. God, I wish we'd have gotten pictures of that...

Then, there was the time in France again where I had hooked up with this really hot English girl who was staying there, and after work that night, I went to go take a shower & brush my teeth before heading down to my room, and I mistakenly gabbed my roommate's tube of Icy-Hot instead of my toothpaste. You ever had your gums feel like someone's holding a red-hot poker to them? Try it sometime. I couldn't feel a thing in my mouth for two days, which, under the circumstances, was a damn, damn shame.

So, in other words, I've learned to make the most of life on the road. I haven't done it for a few years, but this trip has brouht back a lot of good memories so far.

Also, things have been going really great for us down here. We've secured the services of a highly respected makeup FX artist, who's worked on everything from Planet of the Apes to Manhunter, and the film commission here has been bending over backwards to help us. Now, if someone would just sign that final check so we'd actually have the money to make the damn thing. It'll happen tho...I' pretty sure about it now. And the ride down wasn't even too tough on my bad back...although the Codeine I scored from my shady lil' brother sure didn't hurt...

Anyway, I'm about to nod off from exhaustion, but I was so jazzed about getting this stupid wireless connection to work that I had to write something. I'll hopefeully be done earlier tomorrow night & can post again soon...so, until then, I'll see you guys later. I'm gonna go try to steal all the towels from my boss' room & then go pass out....

Idlewild south....

2006-01-31T13:23:00.000-06:00

Alright...don't have much time today, 'cus I got a million things to do before I leave. Actually, I have everything to do still before I leave, 'cus I haven't packed a damn thing or gotten anything ready...but what else is new.

And yeah, I actually feel good about the trip. My back isn't looking forward to the 8 hour drive, but I think if I can survive that, I'll be ok. With any luck at all, I'll be able to blog from down there, and hotel rooms usually put me into a pretty introspective frame of mind, so maybe some good stuff will come out of it. Regardless, I'll be back on Sunday, so if for some reason I can't update 'til then, just know I haven't been kidnapped by Moonies or nothin'.

Talk to ya' soon...

Run to the hills...

2006-01-30T16:34:00.000-06:00

Well, that didn't last long...

Actually, I don't mean that...I'm ok. I'm just a little bummed out today 'cus I found out my friend Alan is going to be moving out of town in a few weeks. His wife Bess has been pushing him to move a couple of hours away, basically just so she can be close to her equally-crazy, co-dependent mother. He's been resisting it for a while, now, but he got a job offer there that, for whatever reason, he feels would be a good opportunity, so he's finally relented.

Which is, as everyone who knows them says, the worst possible decision either one of them could ever make. First of all, Bess comes from a rich, ultra-white-bread family of doctors, and she is completely obsessed with money, at the expense of either of their happiness. So, of course, to hell with where he might want to live, she's gotta go where the money is....and, conveniently enough, where her mother is. She's been very unhappy since they've moved back to town, but the truth is, Bess is unhappy anywhere she goes, and she tends to make other people that way, too, because of it. Not to mention the fact that her mom is one of the most vain, pretentious women that I've ever met, and her being around is not going to contribute to a warm, happy environment, for Alan or their kid.

We tried to explain to her the other day that grown, married adults really shouldn't base their lives around how close they can be to their parents...especially if said parents are still alive, healthy, live just 2 hours away, and happen to own a private plane that can get them here within a half hour, anytime they want to come visit! But whaddya gonna do?

Alan is going along with it basically just to appease her, just like everything else he's done since they've been married. He's sacrificed his own happiness more times than I can count, just to try and ease her neurosis or give her what she wants, but this is, in my opinion, the biggest mistake he's made yet. First of all, since she's pregnant & still working, he's going to have to move up there without her for six months (!) and live alone with her parents while he works his new job, and she's going to have to stay here, living with his parents, until her due date in July, when she's going to leave her job. Now, Bess is the most co-dependent person I've ever met, so how in the world she thinks she's going to survive without him here is beyond me, much less how the hell he's gonna survive living with her parents.

And god help us all when the kid gets here, 'cus now, they're basically going to be under her mom's thumb the whole time, and she's going to end up being that Great Queen Grandma type, who completely controls the kid's upbringing. I asked Bess yesterday: "So, basically, you want to run off to the mountains & raise your child in total isolation from the real world, surrounded by all the rich, bluehaired, old-plantation-money white-bread people?", to which she really didn't have an answer...but that's what she's gonna be doing.

And yeah, it's their life & they're gonna do what they're gonna do, but Alan's only been back in town for not even a year now, after spending the last few years living 8 hours away, just because that's where Bess wanted to live at the time. And so yeah...I'm a little bummed that my best friend is leaving again just when we were starting to settle into our old routine (albeit much to his wife's dismay; another reason she wants them to move is so he'll spend less time with his friends...that makes sense, doesn't it?). But, its not that far, and maybe at least the job will be a good opportunity for him....'cus I don't think the rest of it will. I dunno....much as I complain about her, I know he loves her, and they're my friends, so I want 'em to be happy. I just don't think they're gonna be until she gets some therapy...no matter where they live.

As for me, though, I'm still in a good mood, aside from all this. We leave tomorrow night for Savannah, and I'm still way behind on the stuff I need to do first, but I'll work it out somehow. I plan to have net access while I'm down there, so I'll keep in touch....maybe I'll come back with a good story or two. If I get to see the beach while I'm there, even for 5 minutes in 40 degree weather, I'll be a happy man...

The Weather is here, wish you were beautiful...

2006-01-29T02:04:00.000-06:00

You remember that necklace that I bought for Kara that one Valentine's day, that I ended up wearing after she threw it at me? Well, like I said at the end of that story, I wore that necklace day & night for the next two years, but, one morning, while I was dating Maria, I woke up on the sofa where I had fallen asleep watching Letterman the night before, and the necklace was gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found. I remember I felt like it was some kind of sign, even though I don't believe in that stuff, and I knew then that it was probably a good thing that I didn't wear it anymore...much like what I was talking about the other day. But what I remember most is that, the next morning, when I got up, I didn't even realize that it was gone & I wasn't wearing it until halfway through the day...and knowing that I had been able to let go of that little part of my past made me feel like a million bucks.

Well, I have no idea why, but for some reason, that's sort of what I feel like today...

Nothing new or spectacular has happened, at least nothing that you guys don't know about, and no, I didn't get laid this weekend or win the Wingo...or even get any new sunglasses...but somehow, right at this moment, life is ok. I'm in a damn fine mood...and it was a pretty nice day here today, too...

I mean, it's not like I'm usually a big gloomy gus or anything (although some of the things I write might make one think otherwise), but I've definitely had a shortage of genuine, unprovoked good moods lately. I'm sure I could find something to feel bad about if I tried hard enough, but I've got no plans to do that. I've had these kind of isolated moments in the past...a point where I just suddenly realize 'hey...life ain't so bad!', and they've usually been a sign of good things to come, so I ain't gonna argue with it.

Maybe it's the fact that I might have a pretty big break in my career on the horizon, assuming all goes to plan. I'm also actually almost looking forward to my trip this week...or at least, I'm certainly not dreading it anymore, and that's a big step. I know it will probably do me a world of good to get away for a few days...it always does, even when I don't want to go. Especially when I don't want to go. I used to travel a lot for work, and I worked 3 months out of the year in Europe for a couple of years, so I got really burned out on travelling for a while, but I realized today, that it's been almost 3 years since I was out of town for more than 2 days, and I know deep down that I can use a change of scenery...and the scenery down there is pretty nice.

And you know what else, I'm almost glad that I got that e-mail from Veronica last week, because it really just served to put my mind at ease, in a couple of ways. I know that if she had really wanted to contact me, she would have by now, one way or another...and she hasn't. And even better than that, I know that if she were to contact me, it wouldn't really bother me all that much anymore; if I had gotten that mail in the state of mind that I was in just a year ago, I would still be sitting by the door with the blinds drawn & a shotgun in my hands. So, for me to feel as fine as I do after having her try to poke back into my life speaks volumes.

And I was thinking to myself that, in the past, when I've had these moments of clarity, so to speak, I've never been able to hold onto them for very long, so I better find something to help me hang onto it this time...but I think that might be the mistake I've been making all along. I don't need to find something to help me stay in a good mood; I need to be able to stay in a good mood just because that's the way I want to feel. When I broke up with Kara the first time, I remember telling myself that my goal was to be able to wake up in the morning & be happy just for no other reason than I was alive...and I think I had the right idea back then. It might have been the only right idea I had back then, but I think it was a pretty good one...

So, I'm going to try that again...starting now. Today. Right this minute. Sure, I've still got more problems than a mathbook, but so what? I've got less than some people I know, and at least I'm trying to figure mine out without looking for it at the bottom of a glass or dropping out & joining the scientologists. And yes, there's a good chance that I won't figure out the answer to what's gone wrong with my love life all these years, and there's just as good a chance that I'll never meet anyone that makes me completely forget about my past, and I might not ever recapture those feelings I had back then...but I don't think I'll be alone all my life, either. I might not live happily ever after, but I'll live.

And no, I'm not done dissecting my past, and yes, I will get back to my story soon because there's still a lot of things I think I can benefit from writing down. And yes, we're still pretty far away from hearing about the stuff that actually led me to start this project, but maybe by the time I get there, it won't bother me to re-live it as much anymore...

Have a good day, everybody...Carpe goddamn Diem.

2006-01-26T19:56:00.000-06:00

I just flipped the channel & Rushmore was on TV, and the scene that was on contained a quote that didn't really strike me the last time I saw it, but this time, seemed to sum up everything about my life right now:

MAX'S DAD: You're like one of those clipper ship captains, Max. You're married to the sea.

MAX: Yes, that's true.

[pause]

But I've been out to sea for a long time...

Amen.

Turn & face the strange...

2006-01-26T07:38:00.000-06:00

I got a new car today. Well, it's not exactly new, and in some ways, it's barely a car, but still. Turns out that Alan's brother-in-law just got a nice, new company car, so he decided to give his old Infinity to Alan's brother, who, in turn knew that I had been having trouble with my truck for months, and gave me his old car. So, I have comfortable transportation again for the first time in many moons.

For the last 12 years (actually, since one week before Kara & I got back together that last summer), I've been driving my same old trusty Isuzu; it's an '89 model (sorta like me), and since you all know how I get really attached to things, I've been holding on to the thing for dear life until she's all but fallen apart; the convertible top has a hole in it the size of Kansas, the heat doesn't work, the radio does not exist, since I gave up after someone cutting through the top 3 times to get to it, the left blinker on the front fender blinks at about 1000 rpm's, there's a dent in the hood from Kara jumping on top of it to get down from my balcony (I wonder if looking at that every day for the last 12 years has had anything to do with anything...), the driver's side door doesn't open from the outside, and sometimes the headlights don't work when it rains. But goddamn, I love that truck...she's stuck with me over the years.

I've had every opportunity in the world to get rid of it before & get something newer...but I've just never been able to part with it. I even got a little cheap Honda a few years back to drive around on cold & rainy days, but it blew up after about a year. My friends are sick to death of looking at the damn thing, and since we've driven across the country in it several times, the damn thing has inconvenienced them almost as much as it has me over the years, so finally Alan saw a way to get me out of it; like I said before, I'm not sure what I'd do without my friends.

But I'm not sure what I'll do without my truck, either...I'm really gonna miss her. But today, as we were driving around, getting the paperwork done, I started to wonder if this isn't, in some small way, just the kind of change I need to start making more of in my life.

Like, for example, I've got this pair of sunglasses that I bought about 4 years ago, right about the time Roxanne & I broke up. I was in a store buying some new shoes to wear on my upcoming trip to Europe, and I saw this pair of ruby-red shades that just called out to me....I figured they just might help rose-tint my world, and right then, I sure needed it. I've worn those things constantly for almost 5 years now; they've been all over the country & around the world with me a dozen times over. I once dove into a freezing lake to retrieve them from the bottom. I stopped an entire convoy of trucks shipping out from a warehouse in the south of France because I knew I had mistakenly left them in a cabinet loaded inside one of the trucks...I had never had people cursing at me in 4 different languages before. I've basically only seen the world through these glasses for as long as I can remember now.

And when I first bought them, they really did rose-tint my world; they have some kinda crazy filter on them that makes the whole world more vibrant; Elaine says everything looks like a nuclear holocaust through them. But, as I was driving around thinking about it today, I started to wonder if I couldn't be looking at things differently....literally. I mean, I still love 'em, and they're still way-cool, and they still kinda make me feel like Cyclops from X-Men, but maybe it's time for a change. I used to have these ultra-cool yellow ones, that J.C. ended up with....everything looked like a magic-hour sunset through those things....maybe that's what I need. And I know these are ridiculous little things, but these are the kind of thoughts that go through my mind...

I get used to things. That's the understatement of the day, and you probably knew that already, but I do. I'm not a fan of change, and the older I get, the more I find myself trying to avoid it in all it's forms. I guess I've always been that way, to some extent. I saw The 40-Year-Old-Virgin recently, and while I loved the movie, when I was sitting there watching it with my friends, I got a little indignant at what I saw to be one of the underlying messages of the film.

For those of you who haven't seen it, without giving anything away, the main character is a 40-year-old...well, virgin, who lives in an apartment filled with action figures, comic books & posters from the band Asia. He eventually meets a girl who likes him, supposedly for who he is, but who also proceeds to tell him that he needs to grow up, sell his toys, take down his posters, and be a man...which he proceeds to do, after which, they live happily ever after...or at least long enough for him to have sex.

Now, first of all, Asia was comprised of former members of Yes, King Crimson, and Emerson, Lake & Palmer, and there's only so much you can make fun of that without making yourself look stupid. Secondly, I, too, live in an apartment filled with much of the same things...if not on such meticulous display...and am most certainly not a virgin, and have never considered for one second that I might should take my framed Spider-Man posters down or hide my action figures because some girl was coming over. In fact, I've always used them, somewhat consciously, as a sort of test, if you will; I figure if the girl, whoever she is, can walk in my house & see past all that stuff, then everything else should be smooth sailing. If she can't, well...her loss. I like my stuff.

So, when, in the movie, the virgin is told that his only path to finding love & happiness is to basically give up everything he's loved since childhood, I got a little miffed, and called bullshit. Angela was over watching the movie with us, 'cus we were at Alan & Bess' house, and when she agreed with the girl in the movie, I calmly reminded her that, in fact, she herself had countless amounts of sex with me, in many rooms in my house, in full view of more than a few action figures, and had never complained about it before. So there.

But, you know, I watched the movie again, and while I still don't agree with what I think it's trying to say, the main point is that the guy was stuck in a rut in his life, and he didn't even know it...and that, change, every once in a while, is good. I ain't throwing away my Asia poster, but I have to admit, at the heart of it, they might have a point. So, I'll start with the new car....and maybe I'll go shopping for sunglasses...and then maybe, I'll actually find the energy to try and change something really important....

Here & now...

2006-01-24T13:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I feel much better today.

Never heard back from Veronica, and at this point, I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth; I'm just gonna smile & say thank you. However, I really don't feel like jumping back into the story proper & having to write about her right now, since I just spent the last few days with the specter of it looming.

So, since I need something else to write about, and since a couple of people have asked, I thought I'd update you all a lil' on the family situation. Mom is still staying over at the spare room in my brother's place, and she's doing ok, I guess. I know she's cramped & doesn't have her own space, and she's had some trouble sleeping at night because of her Restless Leg Syndrome, but she's a tough one, and she's hangin' in there. Grandpa hasn't been doing so well the last few days, but he's already held on longer than anyone should at his age, so I guess that goes to show that our family is stubborn about everything, even death. What I'm really dreading is, after he does finally pass away, having to deal with the rest of the family at his funeral, where I'm sure my grandmother won't be able to keep her big mouth shut & will start pointing the blame finger at someone. Oh well, another bridge to burn when I cross it...

As far as my life goes, a few good things have actually happened lately; it looks like the money we're trying to raise for the next film we're trying to make might actually have come through, which should have me dancing on the tables, but somehow, even that news is failing to trip the excitement switch nowadays. We're going down to scout locations in Ga. next week, and instead of being excited about the trip, I'm just dreading having to sleep in a hotel bed for almost a week & worried I'm gonna be bored out of my mind half the time.

If this movie happens, it will be my directorial debut (outside of TV, at least), and it's only something I've been dreaming about (if not necessarily working hard enough for) since I was 12 years old, so you'd think that I'd be just a little bit happy about it...and I am, don't get me wrong..but somehow, it seems like there's only so excited I can get nowadays.

Hell, what was the last thing I was really excited about? The last thing I actually looked forward to? I'm not saying my life has all been bleak & grey lately, because it hasn't, and it's not like I'm constantly in a bad mood or anything; far from it. Lately, tho, nothing seems to be able to light a fire under me. My whole attitude since this whole movie project has started to come together has been just like "Eh...that's nice". I mean, I know I can do it, and if it actually happens, I'm confident (probably too much so, as usual) that I'll pull it off well & it will probably be a big break for me...but will I be able to appreciate it & actually enjoy it in my state of mind? I'd really hate to look back on all this in 20 years & realize that I wasn't able to appreciate one of the most important things that happened in my life 'cus I had my head so stuck in my screwed-up past that I couldn't enjoy it.

I've got to get my enthusiasm back...I've got to seize the goddamn day, or something. Somehow. I don't know what the answer is...I guess I'm just so numb from all the draining emotions of the last few years that I just don't have the energy to conjure it up right now...maybe I need a little help. Of course, I dunno what that would be; I don't think another relationship is the answer...relationships have never exactly helped me concentrate on myself & my career. then again, maybe if I actually had a healthy one...

I'm sure all this stuff with the family is taking it's toll, but like I said once before, I almost feel numb to it, as well. I mean, if something like this had happened in my family 10 years ago, it would have torn my whole world apart...as it is now, I just kind of shake my head at it all, and just try to make sure my mom is ok. My friends have become more like my family over the years than my own family is, though, and I'm thankful for them, if nothing else.

In fact, it's probably only because of my friends that I'm as stable as I am; I have the best friends in the world, and I really don't know what I would do without 'em. I complain about em, I call 'em idiots, but that's only because I love 'em. Don't you wish I loved you, too? Seriously, now that I think about it, I think the last time I was really excited about something was the last big vacation we all took together...that was fun. We should do that again. Of course, with Alan & Bess having a baby, me with the gig happening, and everyone else equally scattered or occupied, I doubt we'll be able to take another one anytime soon. So, I guess I'll have to find something else to look forward to.

There is the new Superman movie coming out...that's something, at least...

In any case, when I say I don't know what I'd do without my friends, that means you guys, too; this thing has become about the best outlet for venting that I could imagine (aside from having my own talk show, which I think I'd be good at, as long as nobody else wanted to talk). I consider a lot of you guys my friends now, and sometimes your comments & insight are what gets me through the day, so thanks. In fact, I usually feel bad that I don't have time or forget to respond to some of the comments that you leave, so maybe I should take some time & set a post aside to just do that every once in a while. So, if you've got any questions you'd like to ask me or anything you wanna address, just tell me, and I'll do a reader's mailbag post pretty soon, so's I won't feel so neglectful...

Oh, and I also added a guestmap, at Liz's suggestion, so sign it & tell me where you live, so I'll know who's watching me...

Back to the story soon, I promise. I just needed to clear my head of Veronica a bit...once again.

Stealin' when I shoulda been buyin'...

2006-01-23T01:53:00.000-06:00

Well, since I've had a few people send me requests to add them to my list, I decided to create a MySpace page for myself, so I'd have a list to add them to. However, in the convoluted process of setting the damn thing up, I managed to lose all of the invites people had sent me 'cus I used a different mail address, so if you were one of those people, send 'em to me again.

It's also early Monday morning now, and the weekend went by without any further word from Veronica, and I expect to be able to breathe easy anytime now. The way I figure it, she had the entire rest of the day Friday to e-mail me again, and the whole weekend to call me if she was going to. Also, even more so than me, Veronica is not what you would call a patient person, so I can't see her just sitting there biding her time; if she was waiting to pounce, she probably would have done it by now. Of course, now that I say this, another e-mail is probably gonna show up in my inbox in the morning, but for now, I've all but convinced myself that it was just a fluke. Flukes happen...

And yes, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a grown man & shouldn't want to run from her like she's the big bad wolf, and a lot of you hit the nail right on the head with some of your comments, but that's just the reaction that stirs up in my gut when she rears her head somewhere; I just immediately see everything rushing past my eyes again, like when they were erasing Zarkov's brain in Flash Gordon. All the bullshit & craziness that I went through just boils right back up to the surface & my spider-sense screams out "here it comes again...better fasten yer' seatbelt!". It's like I'm the little spaceship from The Black Hole, just drifting around out there in my own universe, and she's the big, dark, swirling vortex on the edge of my space, just threatening to suck me back in at any time. And yes, my gravity is strong enough after all these years that I would never get pulled in again, but all that pressure can tear the hull of your ship to shreds, even if you're steering away from it.

Ok, enough metaphors from my DVD collection...

I just mean that, while it sounds like the problem has a simple, black & white solution (and really, it does, when you get right down to it), just the thought of having to even do so much as implement that solution is more than I want to have to deal with.

Hopefully, nothing has changed & I still won't have to. The last time I saw her, she had actually met someone else & had been seeing him for over a year...the first person aside from me that she had dated in over a decade. If they had already been together that long, then I figured he had already seen the craziness & decided to accept it. Hopefully, they're still together, because what really makes me nervous is the thought of them breaking up, which is the first thing that went through my mind when I saw I had a mail from her the other day. After all, I wasn't just her ex-boyfriend, I was pretty much the only real friend she had, and if she found herself in a really bad place, she wouldn't really have anyone else to turn to. And, since I still live with a huge amount of guilt from the situation, it would make me feel that much guiltier to have to turn my back on her...but I would have to. So, I just don't want to have to deal with it. have I said that enough times yet?

Why do I feel so guilty? Well, since it's relevant now & we're about 10 years away from getting to it in the story, I'll just sum it up by saying that I feel like I cheated her out of the chance to have the kind of life she wanted. The girl was completely devoted to me & only me for years upon years, and ever so often, I would get lonely or down enough to get back together with her for a while, only to shoot down all her hopes & dreams as soon as I was back on my feet. And when I left, she would do nothing but wait for me to come back again. I never led her on; I always told her that I didn't want to settle down & have a family right away the same way she did, but she hung in there anyway, thinking that the next time, I would change my mind.

Veronica had a son, and they lived in a situation very much like the one I grew up in; his father was gone & they lived with Veronica's parents, who took care of him while she was out or at work. I saw a lot of myself in that kid, and I grew pretty close to him; closer than I ever should have. After a while, I started to....I don't know how to explain this....I wanted that kid to have things that I didn't have...he deserved a father, and a real family, and part of me wanted to give him that so much...and I tried to, but I could never make it work with Veronica. Even the last time, when I really, honestly, tried for the first time to make it work, I couldn't.

So, in the end, instead of becoming the dad that I always felt like I should be to him, instead I became the same guy that I hated when I was a little kid; the guy that my mom stayed out all night with, instead of being at home with me. The guy that just wanted the easy stuff that came with it & left when the going got rough. The guy that was in the way of us being a family, instead of helping to make us one. I became the thing I had hated the most.

And in the end, after all the craziness I've described, and all the years of drama & pain, I just couldn't do it anymore. I did what I should have done years before, and finally ended it all...but I got to take all the guilt home with me. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and yes, she should have told me to shove off just as many years ago as I should have told her, but I still feel like, had I just been stronger, and broke it off sooner, and not gone back all those times, that she might have gone on & found someone and made a life for her & her son. And, I'm pretty sure I'd be in a lot better shape now, too.

But, this is my bed...and I've gotta lie in it.

12 o'clock, and all's well...

2006-01-21T12:06:00.000-06:00

Well, haven't heard anything else from Veronica yet, so everything's all good so far. I figure if the weekend goes by & I don't hear from her, then it was just some sort of freak...occurrence.

And I know it sounds ridiculous, but thanks so much to all you guys who left comments stating that you had accidentally sent e-mails yourselves in the past; that makes me feel much better, because the first thing my friends said when I told 'em about the letter was "No way can someone accidentally send an e-mail", which didn't ease my mind at all, to say the least. I agree it would be unlikely, but I can see her absent-midedly hitting that 'send' button while she was perusing an old draft & maybe got distracted by something....maybe. Hopefully.

And, to answer a couple of your questions, I have good reasons to worry about her showing back up in my life, even though you haven't heard the whole story yet. But, like Dene speculated, there was almost 10 years of built-up insanity there, that I have no intention of ever putting myself in the middle of again. Why did I put myself in the middle of it in the first place? Well, it's a long story...but that's why you're here, I guess. It will take a good while to get into the meat of it, though, so to illustrate my point for now, I'll just give you just a few examples:

Crazy Things that Veronica Did over the Years (in no particular order):

1. Cut up all my t-shirts with a pair of scissors one night while I was sleeping, because she remembered something I had apparently said to her on our first date, 3 years earlier, that had made her angry. The fact that I had never said the thing that had made her so mad was incidental.

2. At a restaraunt, while celebrating my birthday, she became convinced that I was actually on a secret date with the girl sitting at the table behind us, and that I had been giving her secret 'hand signals' throughout the meal.

3. Spent an entire night, unbeknownst to me, parked out on the street in front of my house, because she was convinced that I was having an affair with a girl who didn't exist. I never would have known had Alan not drove up & seen her.

4. Woke up in the middle of the night, from a dead sleep, punched me in the side, and proceeded to get dressed, storm out of the house, and drive away...all because of a dream she'd had. She knew it was just a dream, but she was still mad that I had done whatever I did...in the dream.

5. Called me collect, screaming & in tears, while on vacation with her family at the beach, because she had become convinced that I was having an affair with a girl that she had gone to grammar school with, that we had run into earlier that month in a video store. I had never seen the girl before or since.

6. Woke up one day & was convinced that I was the little boy who, when she was about 6 years old, had apparently lived in her neighborhood & tried to force her to take her clothes off one day before her mom had come outside & caught them. She was fully aware of the fact that I had grown up across town, but she figured I had just been keeping it secret all these years.

7. Accused me of being hired by her ex-husband to 'find out' things about her. This, after we had already been dating on & off for over 4 years, and over 5 years after her ex-husband had moved across the country.

8. This one still hurts my head: one day, my 12-year-old (at the time) little brother was visiting, and I was in the kitchen trying to make him something to eat. I told him that I had some french fries, but I didn't have any ketchup for them. She overheard this & stormed out of the house, slamming the door. I found out later that she was mad because she thought that the phrase 'no ketchup for my french fries' was meant to be a joke, at her expense, about us having sex while she was on her period. This conclusion seemed perfectly reasonable to her, as did the idea that I would tell a joke like that to a 12-year-old. In later years, she would deny that this event ever happened.

9. Became convinced that I had fathered my friend Molly's baby, even though she knew Molly had been living out of town for all but the last 3 months before she gave birth, and even though the baby was quite obviously bi-racial, and Molly & I are the same race.

10. Stormed off & ran out in tears in the middle of a party, after someone had asked how we had met & I had told them the story. Turns out, she had invented a whole other story in her head about how we had met that had never even come close to happening, and since I had no idea of that imaginary story & was just telling what actually happened, I was a lying bastard.

...and those are just the ones that come to mind right away...it's early, yet.

So, that might give you a little idea of the craziness that I'm trying to avoid. I know it still doesn't explain why I dealt with it all in the first place, much less for so long, but I'm not sure I know exactly why, either...that's part of what we're here to find out. About all I can say to explain it is that, deep down under all that psychosis, there was a very warm, loving girl there, who, at times, was about as sweet as one person could possibly be, and she was crazy about me...that's hard to resist sometimes.

But, I do know one other thing; out of all the issues that I've been trying to deal with on this blog, the ones that I need to actually get over & shake off the most are not the ones where I'm still pining for Roxanne, or being hung up on Kara...it's all the little neurosis' & complexes that I picked up when I was with Veronica. Like my mom said once; if you spend enough time around somebody who's that mixed up, eventually some of it is bound to rub off on you...and it took a while, but some of it sure did.

I just don't want to deal with it again. I wish Veronica the best & hope she lives a happy life, but I can't have any part of it any more....I've done my time.

Somebody, save me....

2006-01-20T13:15:00.000-06:00

Woke up this morning in full-on panic mode...still halfway there.

After writing what I had written last night, I got up this morning, and the first thing I saw was a mail from Veronica in my inbox.

At the first sight of it, I almost lost it; you guys might not have picked up on it yet, but the easiest way to describe it is that I live in sheer abject terror of that woman coming back into my life. Also, it had been several months since I had heard from her, and she usually makes some effort to contact me at least every few months, so I figured it was time. The last time I had seen her, we had run into each other at a concert in the park and had some very tense, uncomfortable words...and I took off before her son saw that I was there so I wouldn't have to see him & add more guilt upon guilt. That had been ugly enough...and she hasn't tried to contact me at all since...even over the holidays, which I totally expected her to do. But, it's been ugly before, and she's always showed back up at some point, so, ever since, I've been sort of on edge every time I check my olf mail account...just waiting for the V-bomb to drop again.

Then today...I get this e-mail....and of course, right away, I expect the worst. However, after reading it, I don't know what to think. I'm actually hoping against hope that it was all a big mistake...

Of course, the first thought that ran through my mind was: she's found it. She's found the project, and....well, something bad's gonna happen. I dunno what, but something. Bad. Thankfully, that didn't turn out to be the case.

She started the letter with 'It was so good to hear from you again...glad you had a good Thanksgiving'. Well, I haven't talked to her since August...and there would be no way for her to know if I had a good Thanksgiving. She didn't mention any other holiday, either, just Turkey Day.

She then started talking about how our breakup had been hard on her & her son, like it had just happened recently...and she asked about my grandfather, but didn't mention the rest of the drama with my family (that she knows nothing about, as far as I know), and then, the end of the letter just sort of cut off, in the middle of something she was saying. It was short, and it was really weird...just like I would expect from her.

And, also like her, it didn't make much sense....it was like a letter she would have sent 2 or more years ago, or something; she was talking about past events like they just happened, and she's about 3 holidays late on her greetings. Plus, she didn't mention the last time we saw each other...which was definitely tense & awkward enough to be worth mentioning...

Which is why I'm hoping that the whole thing was an accident; maybe it was an old letter she had in her drafts folder & sent it by accident. That's the best case scenario I can hope for at this point. That doesn't explain why she was looking at the old draft, if that's what it was, or why she didn't notice she had sent it & write me to tell me what happened. In fact, the absolute best thing I can hope for, is that she didn't even notice she was doing it; she somehow was cleaning out her mailbox & accidentally hit 'send' instead of 'delete', and didn't even notice it. Please, please god, let that be what happened.

Otherwise...well, I don't know what otherwise, but I just know that, as much as I wish her the best, I don't ever, ever, ever, ever want to see or hear from Veronica again...and if something happened & she did try to pop back into my life, I'm not sure how I would take it. I do know that all the progress I've made in the last year or so would likely be undone by the craziness she'd bring with her, and I'll admit that I'm scared to death of having to deal with her again. Yes...it got that ugly at the end.

So, for now, I'm going to try all I can to put it out of my mind & chalk it up to a freak accident. Veronica is a very forward person, in her strange way, and if she wanted to write me, she would just do it, so I'm crossing my fingers that I'm not back on her radar in any way. Please cross your collective fingers with me...I need all the good luck I can get, here...

Where do we go from here...

2006-01-20T12:30:00.000-06:00

Well, actually, I know where we go from here, just a lot of the things that happened before we got there are kind of a blur.

I'd really like to say that, after Kara & I were finally over, that I did the same thing I did the last time it ended; I picked myself up, hopped right back on my horse, and actually rode off into the sunset & had some fun for a while. The last time, I was determined to put it behind me & get on with my life, with a vengeance. This time, the second (third? fourth? last, in any case) time around, I wasn't quite able to pull that off. I sorta crashed...hard.

All I really remember about the rest of that summer, with a few minor exceptions, was sitting out on the balcony with my glass of citrus vodka & ice, and staring off into distance while Lou Reed or Van Der Graff Generator or something equally depressing played on the stereo inside. I know that other things happened, but none of them really stick out...and none of them were able to shake me out of my mood.

I was mad...but I missed Kara. I was totally & completely heartbroken, but somehow or another, she made me feel like it was all my fault; not that I was a total innocent, but I'd still have to say I got the short end of the stick there. I became more & more of a loner starting during this time, and I picked up some habits that, now that I think about it, first manifested themselves at about this time. I started to stay in more, just because I was afraid I might run into Kara & Ted somewhere, and I just wouldn't be able to handle it then. I started to make excuses not to go out with my friends, both for that reason & because I was just too...down to feel like doing anything. And I started drinking...a lot.

Now, don't get me wrong; I didn't turn into Nicolas Cage & fall into the depths of alcoholism...partially because I knew my chances of being rescued by a beautiful hooker with a heart of gold would be slim, but for a few months there, I was drinking way too much, and too often. I didn't go out driving, and I didn't do it at work, but for me, it was a lot, and I knew it...but I just needed the numbness at the time; I didn't really know how else to deal with it. There's no tragic episode where I end up in rehab or anything, though; sorry, guys.

There was one girl who came into the picture about this time. Her fake name was Tia, and she was a friend of Alan's ex-girlfriend from a few years back, who we all ran into while out one night. She was a few years younger than me, and she was completely the opposite of Kara & most of the girls I'd dated; for one, she was rich, for another, she was a sorority girl, and all in all, she was just way classier than I tend to be drawn to. Regardless, she was drawn to me for some reason, and we ended up making out on the sofa one night after we had all be down to the local TGI Fridays & ended up back at my place.

I wasn't really all that...interested in Tia, but I figured Wonder Woman herself could have shown up at my door at that point & I'd still have been too busy pining over Kara to notice. So, I figured a little fling would be harmless & might actually help me out of my funk. Which it did, to a point. We went out a couple of times, and fooled around a little bit, but we had never really had the chance for it to go any further, just because the opportunity hadn't presented itself yet. Then, one night, she came over while Alan was at work & we had the place all to ourselves.

I don't remember anything much except for the fact that we ended up in my bedroom before too long, and that I had Otis Redding on the stereo, 'cus I had made it a point to put all my depressing albums away for the time being. I remember kissing her, and thinking that she wasn't quite like any girl I had been with before; she had this really fascinating way about her, that was a cross between really shy & really aggressive, and truthfully, it was pretty hot...at any other point in time, I would have been severely turned on.

That night, though, lying there with Tia, the ghost of Kara was just hovering over me too close...and I couldn't do it. I don't mean physically...I just mean I couldn't do it. I gave Tia some total bullshit about how 'it doesn't feel right yet' or something that no guy would ever say & mean, and despite her best efforts, which, in retrospect, were considerable, considering her age, I just couldn't do it....I couldn't even keep kissing her, I just felt like I was doing something wrong. I mean, my body was responding, but my head was all over the place...and Tia was a nice girl, and I just didn't want to look her in the eye & be thinking about someone else. I'm sure had I actually had feelings for the girl, or at least the hint of them, maybe things woulda been different, but I didn't, and they weren't.

That was about it for me & Tia. She was still around after that; we'd see her every once in a while, but she was always pretty chilly to me after that night, and I can't say as I blame her; I doubt she was used to being turned down, even then. In fact, I ran into her a few years ago with Angela, and I'm pretty sure she was still pissed at me. It wasn't her, tho....it was me.

But, some good did come out of the whole episode with Tia. In fact, now that i remember it, something bad came out of it, too; Tia ended up becoming friends with Alan's girlfriend Mindy, and while Tia was mad at me & she & Alan were having a fight, Tia set the two of them up with some guys she met that lived in our same building, just to piss me & Alan off. Now, Tia wasn't my girlfriend, so I didn't really give a damn, but poor Alan went apeshit & had to suffer through a world of drama for a while...so, in retrospect, maybe that's another reason I just shoulda slept with her...

Anyway, back to the good...

The whole incident with Tia did serve to make me so disgusted with myself & my wallowing in my own pity to at least try and snap out of it for a while. I wasn't really able to do it, but I tried. I was starting to feel a little better for a while, but then, at the end of the summer, there were 2 things that happened, that took my mood from bad to worse...although it took me a while to recognize one of them.

The first thing that happened was, when fall started to roll around, Alan suddenly learned that his student loan, which he didn't;t think he was going to qualify for that year, had suddenly come through, and he now had the opportunity to go back to school. Only problem for us was, we had a lease on our apartment, and his school was three hours away. Nevertheless, I knew he needed to do it, so I told him I'd find another roommate somehow, and he started his preparations to go back to school. At the time, I didn't;t think much of it, but as the date came & he actually started moving out, I got really depressed.

I mean, my friends were all leaving for school other places at that time; Pete & Mark were already gone, Jerry was in a religious cult at the time (ya, that's right...and it's a long, long story..I got my own issues to deal with here), and I just felt like everybody, or at least everybody I gave a shit about, was skipping town & I was gonna be left there alone. Ya, ya shut up...I was in a bad place at the time.

So, the day came when Alan left, and I remember that night, I stayed alone in my apartment, with my bottle of Stoli & some really crappy weed, and I just felt...alone. I knew I wasn't; I had my family, and plenty of other friends around, even if I didn't care to talk to most of 'em anymore, but it was all just really getting me down. I spent a good week there, just drinking the nights away & wondering how long it would be before Kara & I spoke again. If I'd only had a crystal ball back then, I'da saved myself a lotta time.

But, after a week or two, I knew I had to snap out of it at least somewhat, 'cus I had to get up off my ass & find a roommate; something I hadn't even started doing. Luckily, my friend Jack had just been kicked out of the place he was living on his campus recently. Jack was a guy we had only known for a year or so; Alan met him at a restaurant where he worked, but he seemed like a nice guy & we had always gotten along pretty well. So, after about a 15-minute phone call, we had a deal worked out. Plus, I would finally get the big room now with the bathroom in it, that I had let Alan have before 'cus I didn't want to listen to Mindy bitch about it.

Knowing that the rent was going to be paid on time, at least, made me feel a little better....but right about the first weekend after Jack moved in, the second thing happened that I hinted at earlier...

Veronica called one day. She was crying because she had just ended the custody proceedings for her son after her divorce. She had been given full custody, but the father gave up all his rights to the child forever; essentially just washing his hands clean of him. The poor thing was heartbroken that the man she had married & fathered a child with could just abandon them both like that; she had never expected to get back together with him, but she had wanted her son to know his father. But, like my father before him, he apparently had more important things to do.

So, I listened to her, and I sympathized with her, and I told her she could come over if she wanted to talk, and I told her everything would be alright, and I told her if was ok when she asked if she could kiss me, and I slept with her. It was really sweet, and it felt really nice, and that night, for the first time, there was some genuine affection between us...but I knew it was trouble. Big, big trouble. Big, big, big, big...well, you get the idea. No, no you don't. It was big trouble.

The Weight...

2006-01-17T08:13:00.000-06:00

So, I saw Roxanne yesterday...

It was only for a moment, and all we basically said was hello. Turns out her brother, my friend Jerry, has moved in with a girl he's been seeing...who also happens to be Roxanne's friend....and next-door neighbor; geography has never been kind to me. Both Elaine & Kristen, upon finding out where Jerry lives now, both expressly forbid me to ever go over there (they worry about me, bless 'em), but I figure I'm a grown man & I can handle a little guilt staring me right in the face; I should be used to it by now.

So, of course, she was sitting on the porch next door with her live-in significant other when I pulled up, and the other immediately went right inside the house...but stayed within eyeshot of us 'til I was gone. She had on a...well, hell, it doesn't matter what she had on. I shouldn't even give a damn anymore. Isn't that what I'm trying to accomplish here in the first place? I've felt pretty damn good the last few days after getting all the Kara business out of my system, so to speak, and maybe that's why I didn't figure it would bother me to see her (which, honestly, it didn't...compared to usually). Only thing is, when I see Roxanne, I'm reminded of the real difference between her & the other Big One; I loved Kara, but she did me wrong & broke my heart...whereas Roxanne loved me, but I did her wrong, and broke her heart, after more than a decade of trying desperately to win it. I loved her, too...I just had all that baggage Kara had given me in the way...

That's a lame excuse...and it doesn't even begin to excuse half of it, anyway, but I saw it in her eyes yesterday just like I always do when I see her; she smiles and hugs me & tells me hello just like nothing's wrong, but there's something in her eyes, that probably only I can see, since I'm the only reason it's there, that reminds me of...well, I don't know what it reminds me of, but it makes me feel about 2 feet tall. I feel like I shot her dog or popped her balloon every time I see her, and I should feel like that, or worse.

And here I am kicking my own ass for it again, just like I've been doing for four years now. And you guys don't even really know what the hell I'm talking about yet, I just realized. Maybe you do; maybe you've gleaned it or maybe I've said it before..who knows. If not, I don't want to talk about it now, anyways. I'm tired of beating myself up over it...over her. Over the past, in general. I'm sick to death of it. Being raised Catholic sure teaches you to want to pay your penance, I'll tell you that much.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. Yes, I've let myself be guided by the wrong feelings & screwed up & hurt some other people along the way. Sorry. I didn't mean to, honest, and at the end of the day, I'm sure they know that, too. I'm not a bad guy, and I've been feeling like one for too long. I might do every single thing in my past differently if I had it to do over again, but I don't, and I've just got to make do with what I do have. Yes, I'll probably never be able to look Roxanne in the eye, and I'll always have to live with the fact that I threw away something that I had spent a lifetime trying to build, but not having someone as special as her in my life will be punishment enough in itself...I don't need to punish myself any further.

I don't need to go see her plays anymore & have to see her up there on stage, with the spotlights shining on her & everyone in the audience mesmerized, I don't need to ask Jerry how her relationship is going, or try to weasel my way in, or to even pretend to myself that I could ever do anything to make up for how I let her down in the past...

I need to snap the hell out of it, is what I need to do.

And I'm trying...I'm really tryin', here. This project has helped more than I ever thought it would in the beginning...in fact, I think that, in the beginning, I might have just been trying to use this as one more way to keep dwelling on the past. Well, the past can suck it. And I'm sorry if I seem edgy; I'm really not...I really feel pretty damn good, considering. And maybe Lanie & Kristen are right, to a point; maybe it wouldn't be great for my mental health to go over there & see that all the time, but at least I don't want to do what I would have done years ago, which would have been to just avoid going there at all costs & feeling like the 3rd-grader hiding from the school bully.

I've said all along that I've made my own bed, and now I have to lie in it, but I haven't taken any steps to make the damn thing comfortable...for myself, and much less for anybody else. And no, I'm not sure I'm ready to just jump right back into dating anyone yet; I probably wouldn't be the best boyfriend in the world...but then again, I was really never the best boyfriend in the world before...but I guess that's another thing I'm trying to work out...

Anyway, if you can't tell, I'm just over not being over it all. I miss the old me, even if he had his flaws. And I don't want to be sitting here, twelve years from now, still trying to figure it all out; I've wasted enough time already. Of course, all that having been said, I still don't really know what the hell to do about it...

So, I guess I'll just keep writing...

2006-01-13T15:12:00.000-06:00

Few words today...

Fall, 1989

September 8, 1992

Spring, 1998

August 27, 2000

June, 2001

Skating away, on the thin ice of a new day...

2006-01-12T12:41:00.000-06:00

You know, I almost feel like somebody just took a huge splinter out of my foot...

I don't know how long it will last, although I'm optimistic, but writing all that down definitely made me feel...well, better, anyway. In a lot of ways, it was kind of like going through it again; I was able to gloss over a lot of things until the end, when I just couldn't deal with it anymore. The thing is, the whole business has been a part of my life so long, that it's almost become a part of my personality. I'm not sure if I'll ever really get...over it, as much, but I'm hoping now that I might can at least look at it all...well, through glasses that are a little less rose-tinted, at least.

Thanks so much for all the comments & kind words you guys have left over the last couple of days; some of the things you've written have really meant a lot, and as always, they've made me think. Especially thanks to all you who had never posted before; thanks for coming out of the woodwork, and, in some cases, giving me a peek into your lives, as well. Since I'm not quite up to diving right back into it today, I might as well try to address some of the things a few of you have left in your comments.

A lot of people commented on how sad it was that Kara's life turned out like it did; let me just say that I really have no idea how her life has turned out, outside of a few rumors & tidbits here & there. I know she'd had some rough times, but I don't know if that's still the way things are. I know she has a marraige, a house, and a kid, and in a lot of ways, that's more than I've got. For all I really know, she could be perfectly happy in her dream life right now, and I honestly hope she is. I doubt it, but I hope she is.

As to what's next for the Project; I'm just gonna keep going...there's still a good ways to go yet. Honestly, Kara was only the beginning of the story, in a lot of ways. And, trust me, if there have been times in the story so far when you've wanted to smack me & ask me what I was thinking...well, they definitely won't be the last.

Someone...more than one person, actually, suggested the other that my story would make a great movie & that I should turn it into a screenplay, and, while I certainly appreciate the comment more than I can say, I can't imagine a longer, more boring or depressing movie; not to mention the fact that, as Pro-Divorce mentioned, it's completely lacking any kind of satisfying ending. Plus, it's way outside my proven genre, and unless I throw some zombies in or somebody gets possessed, I'm not sure I'd even know how to do it.

What I will do, however, is entertain the question that Painkey asked me about who I would cast in the movie version of my life, just because I think it sounds like fun. The first hurdle to overcome, actually, would be bringing John Hughes out of retirement to direct the damn thing, but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it...

Anyway, the cast...

For myself, my first choice would have been John Cusack, but he's already played the part once before...you might've seen it; so, he's out. Also, I can't really pick someone just on the basis that they look like me, 'cus I don't really look like anybody famous. The only famous person I've ever been told I look like was Kiefer Sutherland, and believe me, I don't look a goddamn thing like Kiefer Sutherland. Actually, that's not the only person; while that Dawson's Creek show was on the air, all of a sudden, all the little girls behind the Burger King counters were telling me I looked like the other dude on that show that wasn't Dawson, but I saw the guy & I don't really see it so much, and he's nowhere near a good enuff actor, anyway. So, since resemblance isn't a factor, I guess I'd have to say either a young Nicolas Cage, when he was still cool, or the guy who played Mike Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...

For Kara...man, that would be a tough one. Only person in the right age range I can think of who has the acting chops to pull it off would be Reese Witherspoon (ever see her in Freeway? That was Kara on a bad day.), but they don't look anything alike, and Kara would show up on the set with a sniper rifle if she ever heard she was being played by a blonde, much less one who...well, never mind.

If we were gonna cast by resemblance...that's still a tough one. Catherine Zeta-Jones is too tall & about five years too old, but with the right lighting, it might could work. In fact, she sorta already played the part herself...in that same movie with Cusack. Damn.

Roxanne would be a real close contender for second-billing with Kara...I guess it would depend on how long the movie was. She's an actress, and, knowing her, she'd probably insist on playing the part herself, and she'd somehow manage to be even more amazing at it than in real life. If I had to cast someone else, I guess I'd say Natasha Lyonne could probably pull off the role best, they have some similar mannerisms, but she's nowhere near pretty enough...or tall enough.

Veronica would get next billing, just by virtue of the huge amount of screen time she'd have. There are 2 possibilities for her; either a younger Kim Cattrall with a push-up bra, or, if you decided to try and make the character more sympathetic, the girl from the American version of The Office would probably work. Or maybe Laura Linney...

Gloria - Michelle Williams; no doubt about it.

Maria - Alison Mack...Chloe from Smallville. She would be my first, second & third choices, but if the studio made me go for somebody more famous, Reese Witherspoon would be really good in this part, as well.

Andi - Kirsten Dunst

Angela - maybe that hot assistant from Will & Grace if she were about 15 years younger. Or Dominique Swain, 'cus she seems kinda kinky. Angela, god bless her, would not require a lot of acting talent in the role...

J.C. - Rachel Leigh Cook, definitely. If we couldn't use her, then maybe Jodie Foster...

That would be the main cast. Of course, there would be other roles. Alan would be played by either Conan O'Brien or a young Dick Van Dyke; Pete would be played by that kid who became the vampire's minion in Fright Night; Roxanne's brother Jerry would be played by Rob Zombie; Julia Louis-Dreyfuss could reprise her role as Elaine; Joe could, strangely enough, be played by Matt LeBlanc; Lisa Loeb would make a pretty accurate Heidi, if she can act; we'd cast Jason Schwartman in a cameo as Ted & Lisa Bonet as Paris, the exotic clandestine hooker.

The rest of my friends could be played by the members of either N'Sync or Danzig; we could digitally re-create my friend Eric from unused footage of James Dean; Sissy Spacek could play my momma, and my grandpa would be essayed by none other than the legendary Rory Calhoun. Hell, maybe I'd pay to see that, after all...

Of course, all this is a moot point, because we're still lacking one thing a movie has to have: a happy ending. If any of you ladies out there would like to help me write one, I'm down for a collaboration...

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